Sunday, January 02, 2011

It has been declared!

2008. A group of us pull an idea out of our ass and declare 2008 to be the year of the negro. We say it for a few months just because it sounds funny to us..."2008. The Year of the Negro." It has a silly ring to it. But the more we say it, the more it becomes a thing; it becomes something tangible. So we start paying attention to what is happening to and for black people. 2008: Barack Obama becomes the 44th President of the United States. Holy shit! We made this happen, somehow!

2009. We're riding our high from last year and decide to make this a thing. Who is going to get our focus this year? Who is going to benefit from our silly predictions? We pick the LGBT community. Coming off a stinging 2008 with the passage of Proposition 8 in California, we feel that we can do some good for our gay friends. So we declare, "2009. The Year of the Homosexual." See how we capitalized that? Showing reverence. But as we kept an eye on LGBT rights during the year, some really great things happened: Same-sex marriage is allowed in Norway, Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir becomes prime minister of Iceland (the first openly gay head of government in the world), Argentina and the Philippines ends their ban on gays in the military, and arguments begin being heard on the validity of Proposition 8. Not bad, right? So far, this these predictions are starting to take shape. And you can thank us for it. Go 'head, thank us. We'll wait.

2010. We immediately declare, "2010. The Year of Man." We're all over these predictions. After all, we're hot shit from last year. Now, this isn't a focus on gender. We mean it as to say "manning up" and being tough. Things are pretty bad. The economy took a dookie on most of us and it seems that things are tough all over. So we push the idea of fighting through this...to man up and make the changes necessary to survive. To do this, we had to prioritize between what we wanted and what we needed. Not an easy task once you get down to it. But me and my family made the changes, got rid of what we didn't need, and trimmed the fat. Due to this, I'm happy to say, we bought our first house at the end of this year. Great rewards for manning up.

So what is in store for 2011? I've given this a lot of thought. In light of the seemingly perpetual "outrage" that is seen on the news, on the internet, and coming from the mouths of our friends and neighbors, this year it's being declared...2010. The Year of Grownup. That's right. It's time for us to calm down, take a minute before overreacting to information, and just be grownups about everything.

So, it's been declared. I've got a feeling that if we can be grownups about everything, it'll be a better year for everyone. So the next time you feel like you're about to yell or preach about a topic ask yourself, "Am I being a grownup?" If you answer 'no'...go to your room without supper until you're ready to be mature.

"Gluttony" be thy name!

We just went on a trip to Louisiana for Christmas. I think I lost my self control. Here's a list of the things I slammed down my gullet. Go ahead, judge me:

  • Fried Shrimp
  • White Beans and Pork
  • Fudge
  • Chocolate Covered Pretzels
  • Powdered Donuts
  • Little Debbie Snack Cakes (Jelly Cream Pies...YEAH!)
  • Hubig Lemon Pie
  • Hubig Chocolate Pie
  • Sunrise Fried Chicken...the BEST chicken on Earth. Go on, challenge me! It's the best!
  • Shrimp Boullettes (basically meatballs made of shrimp)
  • Catfish Po-Boy
  • Shrimp Po-Boy
  • Steak
  • Bloomin' Onion (had to chain it up at one point)
  • Pizza
  • Turkey
  • Spiral-cut Honey Ham
  • Rice Dressing
  • Potato Salad
  • Dixie Blackened Voodoo Lager (oh, that was nice)
  • Muscadine Wine (that was nicer)

Holy crap! I kinda disgust myself...but not really.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Put the "I'll gouge your eyes out" back in Christmas

What is it about Christmas that brings out the worst in people? It brings out the anger and raises stress levels. For me, it makes me want to see people lose their stuff. I've always wanted to be at a Best Buy or a Toys R Us when a toy fueled beat down occurs. In my mind I picture it as two middle-aged ladies grappling over a Zhu Zhu pet. Each have one hand on the toy, almost as if they were tied at the wrist like those two gang leaders from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video. Purses are being swung at the head. Take out the head, take away motor control. The fight goes on and one mom gets the upper hand, when out of nowhere, someone on the fringe of the fight throws a switchblade to the person losing. Oh shit! Things just got interesting. A couple of cuts on the webs of the fingers and the toy is free. In one swift move, "Switchblade Mom" grabs the Zhu Zhu, gets close to the other mom, and stabs her in between the fourth and fifth ribs while puncturing a lung, and sneers, "Merry Christmas, bitch!"

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Oh no! We kinda suck a little!

They say that you shouldn't post angry. They also say that you shouldn't use the term 'you' and, instead, should say 'one'. As in: One should not use the term 'you'. Well, they can chew on my balloon knot. I write like I want to.

I'm in a Pick 'Em league with some guys. If you don't know what that is, that's where you pick the winners of each NFL game each week. So that means, every week, I get to show my friends how incredibly stupid I am, and then I have to spend the rest of the week defending my stupid decisions. Basically, it's like real life.

This week I picked the Saints to win. I just KNEW that we would walk the dog on the Cardinals. Oh, I'm sorry, did you just remark that I said, 'we'? You're absolutely right I did. As long as I can remember, I've always been a Saints fan. When I was a kid, I used to think I was Archie Manning. My cat's name is Archie now. (Passing on the greatness.) As I grew older, I was convinced that if I ever had a child, I'd name him Dalton, after Dalton Hilliard...not the Dalton from the movie "Road House". I'm not that much of white trash. OK, maybe I am. Anyway, the point is, I've paid my dues as a Saints fan. I can say, "we". And I will.

Onto the game notes! This week, I started tagging the notes with timestamps. The timestamps notate how much time was on the clock when the note was taken.

***Pregame***
*Either I'm going through an identity crisis, or I'm maturing. Today I had to go to my son's soccer game. This kid caught a soccer ball dead in the eye and started crying. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to stand up, point at this kid, laugh, and say something like, "Ha ha! You got stuck dead in the eye! How does it feel to be the only person crying in front of a large crowd of people?" But I didn't. I didn't even giggle to myself. I'm going to need to do more research on this phenomenon.

*Today's game time snack: Ben and Jerry's Cookies and Milk ice cream. Oh, that stuff is good. I like Ben and Jerry. When they give a flavor to an ice cream, they're not messing around. It really tastes like dipping cookies in milk.

*Today's game time drink: Turkey Hill Orange Tea. Two, two, TWO great flavors in one. Very yummy.

*Kurt Warner is providing color commentary for the game. I think he was born with a 5 'o clock shadow.

***First Quarter***
*14:51: Bad opening kickoff. Everyone looked like they were in slo-motion. Is it "slow motion" or "slo-motion"? I'll never know.

*12:56: Good interception! Let's give the ball to the offense and hope they can cure their scoring woes.

*12:48: I can't recall the last time I've ever seen Drew Brees scramble for yardage. Let's hope I never see it again.

*10:03: There's nothing more awkward than seeing a person in the crowd who knows he's on TV. He looks at the camera, he looks at the video monitor, he looks back at the camera

*9:49: 3 points off of the turnover. That's like 3 free points!

*7:02: I hate Taco Bell. I hate the New York Yankees. I hate everything that these two organizations stand for. That's why it pains me to love Taco Bell's new commercial with the Yankees manager pulling the guy off the Giant Chalupa. It's funny.

*6:12: Another incomplete pass to Colston. Something seems just a little bit off. We're just a tiny glitch away from completing on big plays.

*5:39: I'm so falling in love with Ladell Betts. He's a hard runner. Nothing flashy or amazing...just all around good.

*2:38: Kurt Warner was talking about Dominique Rogers-Cromartie, and called him "DRC". hat's an awful nickname. You know, there was a time when nicknames were creative. Walter Payton was called, "Sweetness" because of his running style. Terry Bradshaw was called the "Blonde Bomber" because, at one time, he had beautiful blonde hair. I'm serious, look it up. Oh, and I can call his hair beautiful. I have a man crush on him. Anyway, here's the point. Nicknames were actually names. Now, nicknames are really just a series of acronyms. Terrel Owens? "T.O". Adrian Peterson? "A.P". It's just not creative and I find it a bit lazy. I've said it before, and I'll say it again great nicknames are earned, not given. Just don't ask me why they call me "Doodybird".

*2:13: Seriously Arizona? A timeout?! This is like a momentum stopping timeout that you would call in basketball.

*1:23: Nice touchdown. Shockey was all alone out there.

*1:21: More bad kick coverage. So far, that's the only part of the game I find lacking.

***Second Quarter***
*13:24: I like Larry Fitzgerald. He's a fantastic receiver and, from what I've seen in interviews, a pretty decent fellow. But then again, I've once said a long time ago that I'd like to bum a cigarette off of Mel Gibson. So maybe Fitzgerald Greco-Roman wrestles defenseless kittens in his free time.

*11:50: Nice sack! It's good to see some pressure on the QB. I just realized what I typed..."nice sack"? Ugh.

*9:40: I'm very relieved to see a consistent running game.

*7:22: And we have to punt. I'm hoping that the Cardinals don't creep into the game and keep it close.

*5:53: Max Hall, QB for Arizona, is looking like he has some confidence. We need a big hit or an interception to get that out of his system.

*3:43: Earlier they mentioned that San Diego got 9 sacks on the Cards last week. I'd like some of that. And we just got it. Sack #2.

*3:39: More pressure on the QB. Let's keep that up.

*3:21: Rare, horrendous mistake by Brees (throw off the mark) and Betts (dropped the pass) which turns into an interception by the goal line. Ow, that hurts!

*2:31: I hate close games.

*2:19: Their offensive lineman picks up a fumble for a touchdown...but I think we killed their QB in the process.

*1:10: Carney drives it home for 3. Looks like we're sleepwalking through the 2nd quarter.

***Halftime***
*So far, this has been a pretty tough game to watch. The Saints show signs that they can dominate this game at any time they wish...then they go into sleepwalk mode and let the Cardinals back into it. Even though we're winning, I'm still a bit disappointed.

*I've learned that it is pretty hard to pick my nose with my wife sitting right next to me. It's one thing to get my finger in...which is pretty easy. I have big nostrils. But once I get to the prize, then what? Can't flick it against the wall. Don't want to deposit them in the couch cushions. For now, I've designated a corner of the living room to be the booger drop spot. I won't say where it is exactly. Who knows? Maybe one of you will visit me one day and you'll spend the whole time looking for it. You know what? Forget I said anything. Back to the game!

***Third Quarter***
*14:41: Big hit and Brees gets the gall knocked loose. Seriously, we cannot take the Cardinals lightly.

*13:44: And we start with a three and out. Ugh. I'm starting to feel a little nervous.

*11:57: Hall fumbles the ball! And his offensive lineman jumps on it for a gain. Can this count towards their rushing yards?

*7:42: Nothing really noteworthy has happened in the 3rd quarter. Arizona has tied it up and Chris Ivory has had a couple of pretty good runs.

*6:50: Betts makes a pretty good over the shoulder catch. I wouldn't mind seeing him back next year.

*3:00: We're in the red zone. I think it is crucial that we score a touchdown here.

*2:10: A false start against the Saints inside the red zone. This may actually give us more room to score. EDIT: Spoke too soon. Betts gets stopped cold and we've got to go to Carney again.

*1:27: Carney misses...the football Gods continue to punish us on the day.

*End of the 3rd quarter: Pretty disappointing. The defense is starting to look a little tired and the offense has nothing to be confident about. We'll need a couple of big plays to re-energize and awaken them. Although, I think I've been saying that all season long.

***Fourth Quarter***
*11:39: The Cardinals drive and kick another field goal. They're up 16-13. Sheesh. This is getting on my nerves. Just like how my neighbors deciding to start cutting wood right next to our living room window. Wayne Brady is gonna have to choke a bitch.

*10:42: We fumble, they pick it up, they score touchdown. My posts will just boil down to being caveman-like grunts. Just like that, we're down by 10.

*10:42 (Commercial): Hey you jackholes singing about your Burger King breakfast sandwiches...I'm going to come over there and kick them out of your hands. Then you'll get to feel as bad as I do right now.

*9:04: Interception by the Cardinals! This is getting to be ri-God Damn-diculous! As Arizona is going to start running the ball to eat up time, our defense has got to be tired.

*7:57: Remember in the pregame notes when I said I didn't laugh at that kid who got smacked in the face? I should have laughed at him.

*6:00: Stuffed on 3rd and short! Look, I don't claim to be a great play caller. I don't even claim to be employed by a football-related organization. But that last series was a display in craptastic play calling. 'Craptastic' is a technical term and you can quote me!

*3:25: We've got the ball back and we're down by 10 points. Let's see if they decide to open the play book up, or just continue to make horrendous mistakes.

*3:06: It's one thing to run a hurry up offense for one score, but we're down by 10.

*2:48: Almost threw another interception. It's been that kind of day.

*2:24: Brees has been uncharacteristically inaccurate today. Maybe he's wearing his Super Bowl ring and throwing his balance off. Guys, keep the jewelry off the field.

*1:56: I was alluding to it earlier, but never outright came out and said it. But, we should have been killing these guys.

*1:49: We get a touchdown through a desperation play. Wow. Is it bad that I was nervous for the extra point? OK, everyone knows an onside kick is coming...here we go.

*1:49 (After kick): Here we went. Arizona has the ball and will now milk the clock. I'm so setting something on fire tonight.

*:24: We get the ball back on the 9 yard line. I don't want to say 'here we go' with an exclamation point. So...here we go?

*:10: Interception for a touchdown. Figures.

*:04: Maybe we can score 10 points with 4 seconds left! Maybe if I tried real hard, I could grow an arm out of my ass. Good! Kneel on the ball. Let's finish this garbage.

***Postgame Notes***
*Pathetic. So far this year, we have played down to our level of competition and it's finally come back to bite us.

*I've never seen Drew Brees so inaccurate.

*I guess I can sum up the performance in one word: "disappointing".

*We're only 5 weeks into the season, but it seems to be a grind already.

*By the way, Atlanta is on top of the division. Pardon me while I go set something on fire.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

New Orleans Saints Game Notes. Week 2 vs. 49ers

Here's the game notes from the New Orleans Saints vs. San Fransisco 49ers game on September 20th. As the season goes on, these game notes will be edited better. It's a work in progress...just like me!

***Pregame***

*The very last thing I experienced at work today was a guy in the bathroom dropping a 7 second fart. Think about it...most people can't even hold their breath that long. The funny thing about it...other than 7 full seconds of fury coming out of that guy's butt...was that he tried to cough to cover it up. Sorry buddy, you could have full-on whooping cough and you still couldn't disguise that. That's the stuff tore up drawers are made of.

*I've got a feeling that we'll score more than 14 points tonight. The offense has the personnel, the scheme, and the coaching staff that is smart enough to know when and how to make adjustments. This could be a big night for them.

*I'm sure that the 49ers will throw a steady dose of Frank Gore at our defense. Stopping the run will be key. The 49ers also have a good tight end in Vernon Davis, but if the Saints can bring pressure steadily at the QB, then that won't be a problem.

*I didn't want to have to lace into ESPN so early...but here goes. The ESPN crew of Stu Scott (Mad Eye Murdock), Matt Millen (Mongo Like Candy), and Steve Young (Pronounced "Fra-GEEE-lay"!) had to say that we must focus on Reggie Bush and his Heisman trophy. I swear, watching ESPN is like watching TMZ with jock straps. Just unbearable.

*Chris Berman, you make me want to chew my own face off.

*Just saw a Chunky Soup commercial showing a bunch of guys falling asleep on their couches after eating a greasy dinner. Apparently, I'm supposed to pity them; I don't. Lucky bastards.

*Miller Lite has a vortex bottle...so you can pour shitty beer faster to your glass.

*I'm going to pour myself a drink so I can stop saying cynical things about commercials.

*Steve Young is stupid and made of poo.

*Mike Ditka can tell you the different flavors of Windex.

*This year's pre-game chant by Drew Brees is going to take awhile to grow on me.

*Sometimes I'm convinced that Hank Williams Jr. is just a bear wearing sunglasses.

***1st Quarter***

*Even though the opening kickoff was flagged for holding, kick coverage is key. I've got a feeling special teams will play a big part in tonight's game.

*2-0 (the score) is not a bad start. Defense is putting pressure on. But it's still early.

*Anybody know the rules on punting after a safety? If it goes a certain distance, can it be recovered by the kicking team? I've just never known the specifics on that.

*The last resort pass to Thomas showed that the O-line is doing a pretty good job.

*Good looking first drive. Moved the ball very effectively and methodically. I hope we can follow up with other point-producing drives.

*Looks like there may be some scuffles between both teams. Part of me likes seeing that.

*Reggie, sweety, honey, I love you...but you're trying to do too much on punt returns.

*New drinking game: Take a swig every time Reggie Bush touches the ball and they start talking about the Heisman trophy. You're gonna get so drunk!

*So far, the D is still getting decent penetration on the line of scrimmage.

*Ok, I know Louisiana gets a bad rap about our education and level of sophistication...but after seeing the shot of the 49ers fan with the beanie, banjo, and lack of teeth, I demand an apology. See the following photo.









*Roman Harper gets good pursuit on the QB...then he pulls in a pretty nice interception. He's my MVP so far.

*I just went back on my DVR to see the 49ers banjo man. Seriously, I want my apology.

*On the punt return...even I'm going to say the 49ers player did not touch the ball. I want to win, but lets keep it fair. EDIT: Good call refs. Keeping it fair.

*This game is starting to look strangely familiar to last week's game. Great opening drive, then stalling out. Defense is starting to look a touch tired.

***2nd Quarter***

*San Fran is moving the ball right out the gates. Our defense needs to get off the field.

*Our cornerbacks are making good open field tackles.

*Their safety valve passes killed us on their scoring drive.

*Our drive is moving, but I'm not seeing the confidence.

*There's a commercial with the Atlanta Falcons on a bus. If there weren't kids on that bus, would I mind if it fell off a bridge?

*Our O-line is starting to break a little and allowing too much pressure on Brees.

*After the punt, we could use a big play from the defense.

*Again with the safety valves. They're nickle and diming us and it's working very well.*Two minute warning. I kinda want to see this half end. I said it before and I'll say it again. Our offense needs point-producing drives and the defense needs to get off the field.

*"Argh! You know they're going to run the ball! Stop the run!" (He screamed at the TV.)

*Then the defense forces a fumble and recovers. (sighs) Thank you.

*Gruden, a 'gutty' play call?

***Halftime***

*Not a great first half. Time of possession was very disappointing. Can't score if you don't have the ball.

*Other game notes:

**I think Favre single-handedly lost that game against the Dolphins.

**The Cowboys are not supposed to be that bad. The Bears are not supposed to be that good.

** The Colts snapped out of it. The NFC East isn't as strong as ESPN would like you to believe.

**The Jets/Patriots game really surprised me.

**I'm not upset about Vick going back to the bench. Kolb earned the starting spot, so you keep playing him until he shows you reason otherwise.

**The locals are restless around here about the Ravens. They're ready to blow up the whole offense.

**7 turnovers?! C'mon Tennessee. You're not beating anyone with that garbage.

**I don't know if Houston came back and won, or if Washington gave it away.

**Cleveland...meh. KC...meh.

**Tampa has beat two suck teams in a row. Keep that champagne in the fridge. You're not ready yet.

*I'm sure that the Saints are making the right adjustments offensively. They get the ball back in the second half. Let's see if they can drive the ball.

***3rd Quarter***

*Brees is making his throws again. Let's keep this opening drive going.

*Our running game has not been established. And their pass rush is getting too much penetration.

*And we have to punt on the opening drive. This is getting quite frustrating. EDIT: I know I've been spoiled and I expect us to score every time we touch the ball. But I don't think I'm being unrealistic by expecting more production.

*Alex Smith is getting entirely too much time to make these throws. You give any NFL QB time, and he will shred your secondary.

*This game is making me drink more than I normally do.

*Our defense getting wore out due to our offense's inability to keep the ball. Yeah, I'm pointing fingers.

*Now we're down. C'mon offense, it's your turn to get us back on top.

*I'm not trying to make excuses, but I think the wind is really grabbing the passes from the QB's.

*It looks to me like Pierre Thomas isn't really attacking the holes. I could be wrong or not know something they do.

*I love when Colston catches the ball. He doesn't even have to run much after the catch, he can just fall forward and pick up a lot of distance.

*Alright offense! You came through when we needed you. So they've shown they can respond when needed, but I wonder if they can pour it on to put the game away.

*I'd like to hear Will Smith's name called more.

*Reggie! How can you get pushed out by the punter?! Gimme your lunch money!

***4th Quarter***

*Ok, I think it's time for the Saints to start pouring it on. We've got to wear these guys out.

*So that drive didn't get a touchdown, but points are points. Good kick, Hartley.

*Gore is still running wild on us.

*That was a BS pass interference call. Vernon Davis pushes off but we get the call.

*Oh, well, well, well...interception. I'd call that karma.

*And we try to run the ball right after. It's just not working tonight.

*Special teams have held tight. Still hoping they don't become the deciding factor.

*Will Smith gets in there for a pass deflection! This leads to a big stop for the D. They've earned this rest.

*Reggie drops the punt, but gets back on it. Please, don't make me drink more than I have to. Reggie is hurt. He's probably done for the night. Hope he's ok. And they mention his Heisman...DRINK!

*Big mistake for San Fran! I said it last week...I LOVE Courtney Roby on kick coverage.

*Pierre isn't having a good night. Is this more on the O-line or Pierre?

*After getting stuffed at the goal line, I think it's safe to say it's on the O-line.

*Ok, the field goal is through and we're sitting with an 8 point lead with 2:08 to go. It's all up to the D now.

*Screen passes against the blitz are working against us.

*Our defense looks tired. And it shows...damn Frank Gore.

*Ya'll gave up the 2 point conversion too?!

*Ok, Roby is my candidate for MVP for the Saints now. He's put us in good spots to begin on offense and picked up a fumble.

*Colston, not flashy, but clutch. Absolutely clutch. He reminds me or a bigger Eric Martin. Who's with me on the 80's Saints reference?

*Comes down to the kick for the win. San Fran cannot try to ice the kicker. Good. That's a douche move anyway.

*Here we go...false start.

*Here we go again...and it's blocked!!! But it goes through anyway!!! Saints win!

**Post Game***

*Sheesh!

*I'm gonna make post game quick because I need to fall out after this one.

*Non-existent running game needs to be remedied.

*The defense needs to stop the run and get off the field. The time of possession is no good.

*I'll take 2-0, even if it's ugly. You are what your record says you are. 

My ESPN audition.

Every day I watch ESPN. Every day, I choke a little more on my bile.

Now I remember the old adage, "Either your part of the problem, or part of the solution." So I thought I'd publish some game notes that I took while watching the Saints during week 1 vs. the Vikings. Think of this as if you were watching the game with me on your couch...drinking your beer, eating all of your chips, and leaving your toilet seat up.


***Pregame***

*Normally I'd have more pregame notes, but I rushed home from my bike ride in the park. Hard to focus on the game when you're dodging piles of dog shit.

*I hate Bud Light. It's the stuff dry heaves are made of. But I'm going to quote their current ad slogan, "Here we go!"

*Excited to see the championship banner. Teared up some. I think I've figured it out. It's just that things usually suck in LA, even before the oil and the levees failing. The Saints let the folks be happy on Sundays. If they win, they get to be happier for a little longer than Sunday.

*What a beautiful National Anthem. Just wonderful.


***1st Quarter***

*1st offensive drive was flawless. Brees spread the ball around. O line gave him plenty of time. Receivers showed good hands.

*Defense rose to the challenge in the first drive. But I'm sure they knew Minnesota was just going to run the ball.

*Trying to get cute with the screen passes on the second drive.

*Adrien Peterson is slippery.

*Did Greg Williams dye his hair? Sheesh.

*Brees is so amazing. I want to adopt him. Recovered a botched snap, outran the blitz in the endzone and still got the ball to a receiver while making it look easy.

*Is it wrong that I expect the offense to score on every possession? Then I get mad when they stall out. Overall, the offense looks very good. Defense looks pretty good. Adrien Peterson is still a bit dangerous.


***2nd Quarter***

*I don't care about Brett's boo boo's from last year. Stop trying to make him more of a legend.

*Defense is swarming on the ball. The linebackers are still just a bit behind the receivers.

*If they keep running Peterson effectively, they might wear our defense out.

*Feels like the offense is throttling back. They're also starting to make sloppy mistakes. Even Brees is starting to make mistakes. Almost threw an interception.

*I know we score quickly, but I'd still like to see more time of possession.

*Nice interception by Vilma. Great hit on Favre. It was comical in slow motion.

*Need to create some scoring opportunities and take advantage of ones that are given to us.

*Shanle is too slow to be covering Shiancoe.


***Halftime***

*In the 2nd quarter, Brees was throwing too many passes off balance.

*We should be killing these guys. But it's just not happening.

*First time I've ever watched the NBC guys during halftime. They suck.

*Hey NBC, we don't care about the NFC and AFC East as much as you do.


***3rd Quarter***

*I love Courtney Roby...more on covering kicks than running them back. He lays his body on the line.

*It seems way too late to start trying to establish the run. EDIT: Maybe I spoke too soon. It's working a bit. With establishing the run in the second half, that'll be another weapon to wear Minnesota's defense down with. If this keeps up, the Vikings should be winded towards the end.

*Offense is starting to get its swagger back.

*Touchdown! Good looking drive.

*Much better tackling on Peterson.

*Almost got an interception! Favre got rushed and made a bad throw...just like he always does.

*Even when he does nothing, Reggie Bush is still exciting. I can see the amazing moves in him just dying to get out, but he hardly ever gets to show them in a productive fashion. He was so used to single-handedly dominating games in college. But now he's in the pros and he has to realize that no player gets to do that on a consistent basis.

*Saints did not follow up with any points on the ensuing drive. Need some consistency on offense.

*I think we're in Favre's head. Forcing more throws. But we need to extend the lead in case he gets his head out of his ass.

*ANOTHER missed opportunity. We need to hit the dagger and start pouring it on. Points! We need points!


***4th Quarter***

*Seriously, Tom Brady? Your hair cannot be serious. Your head is Photoshopped. Oh, and during the commercial, why offer the dude the remote control if you won't let him use it. Stupid turd commercial.

*Good stop by the defense early on. Good intensity.

*Al Michaels, nobody cares about which referee overruled which. The play was reviewed and called incomplete. Shutup already!

*Offense moved the ball effectively again, but did not capitalize. This can come back to haunt them in this game and, if not addressed, during the rest of the season.

*Garret Hartley, you owe us 6 points. This last miss was unacceptable.

*Defense is still coming through...but the offense needs to hold onto the ball so the defense can get a rest. If they get winded, the chances of them giving up a big play go up exponentially.

*I love the way Pierre Thomas runs. He has filled Deuce McAllister's shoes nicely.

*Good running down the stretch to kill the clock.

*Kneeling the ball at 1:32. That's the game.


***Post Game***

*Not a bad way to start the season. Not to be greedy, but the score should have been higher. A lot of missed opportunities and need consistency on offense during the long week before the next game.

*Defense hung in there despite being on the field so long.

*All in all, it's still a win. Kinks need to be worked on as the season progresses. It's a work in progress and everything will get put together game by game.

*Minnesota was pretty unimpressive throughout the game. Peterson ran hot and cold and he was the majority of the offensive attack. In the second quarter, the Viking's rush affected our passing attack. In the 3rd quarter, the Viking's defense made some very good tackles to kill momentum.

*1-0. But more work to be done.

I'll admit, these game notes were ugly. The beginning of the season jitters were very apparent. I'll do better next time, coach.

Am I going to make another empty promise?

I can be motivated some times. Now is one of those times. Tomorrow...maybe not. We'll see.

I'm going to try and resurrect this blog one more time. One. More. Time. (Until the next time.) Now, I'm not going to make a bunch of promises like, "Stay tuned, because I'm going to this and this and this and little bit of this, with a side of that and sprinkled with some of those."

Let's take this nice and slow. Maybe get to know each other a little bit. I just don't want to get hurt again. Woah, what the hell am I talking about?

Anyway, stay tuned...I've got some interesting things cooking. (Ha! I'm a hypocrite!)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Exercising those writing muscles

I use this blog for a variety of reasons. I've used it to ponder on weird things that I notice, like when I followed a lady on the highway who was smacking herself in the head for at least a miles worth...that story will come another time. Sometimes I use it to tell everyone embarrassing stories about myself...search for my ass saga sometime. I've also been known to work out stand up comedy material out here...see just about any post at all. But mostly I use the blog as a tool for writing exercises.

I have a tendency to be lazy when it comes to writing. Well, let me rephrase that. I have a tendency to be lazy. There. That's better. When that happens, I usually fall back to writing exercises to get me back on track. One of those exercises is making lists. So, before I go goofing off again, here are a few lists I've been working. Remember, anything in these lists are subject to change upon further research, my whim, and/or the hardness of my nipples. Don't laugh, they make a lot of decisions for me.

1. Superpowers I would like to have:

  • Invisibility
  • Flight
  • Super Speed
  • The ability to fart clouds into letters and shapes

2. Things that are both funny and sad:

  • Fat people eating and crying at the same time
  • Tickling an old person until they pee themselves
  • Ugly Twins (They're both ugly, but not unique.)
  • Clowns dieing violently (Think elephant rampage.)
  • Midgets not being able to reach something crucial (A diabetic midget jumping up to reach his insulin, but not quite making it.)
  • Bears getting toddlers stuck in their teeth (Silly bear, you don't know how to use a toothpick!)

3. People who could play me in a movie:

  • Jack Black (I've been told I look like him. But then again, I've also been told I'm good in the sack. So take it for what it's worth.)
  • Gary Oldman (He could play anybody. He's probably playing you right now!)
  • Bea Arthur (Naturally)
  • Ian Holm (He's that dude from those flicks. Look him up.)
  • Rosie O'Donnel (Rosie needs the work.)
  • Johnny Depp (Another guy who could play anyone. I'm sure he'd ugly himself up for the role.)
  • William Shatner (Wishful thinking. How great would it be if Bill Shatner was saying things I say on the movie screen? "It's...not...going...to...suckitself!!!" I say that all the time.)
  • James Garner (Again, wishful thinking. He's like a more easy going Clint Eastwood. Anyone who watched TV in the 70's knows what I'm talking about. Rockford Files, anyone?)
  • Billy Crystal (We both have round heads.)
  • Eddie Albert (If you have to look him up, you sadden me.)
  • Don Rickles (Chalk up another for wishful thinking.)
  • Dom DeLuise (...and another.)

4. Things I would do if I were a woman:

  • Not be so insecure about my appearance
  • Be a slut

Monday, March 09, 2009

Where Did You Learn Them Fancy Words?

I've always been a big fan of words; foreign and domestic. They serve so many uses and are so versatile.

Sometimes many are used to convey simple messages: "We're running low on bread and milk. So when you get a chance, on your way home from work, stop by the store and pick us up a few things. Oh, I'll probably give you a call to add a few things on the list, so we make sure everything is taken care of." Translation: "I don't have any money."

Sometimes a single word can explain the most complicated and deepest of thoughts: "Meh." Translation: "Fine, I'll get all of the things on your list. Also, when I hang up this phone, I'm going to curse and scream at the little bobble-head Jesus that sits on my dashboard because he's the only one who will listen to me. Well, it's not like he listens anyway. He just sits on his cross with his arms wide opened as if to say, "I can't do nothing for you, man." And that's all life is...just a bunch of supernatural beings with all the omnipotent power in the universe who either choose not to use it for the sake of good, or are too inept to even know how to harness that power. God, why don't you just stab me now?!"

...or something like that.

Although words are very effective tools, like all most tools, I don't use them for the purpose they were built. You should see me using a Phillip's head screwdriver...makes the best Q-Tip on Earth. I mostly find words that are strange and just say them over and over to myself almost like a verbal playground. I like saying words like 'mucluc' and 'gazebo' where they don't belong, just because they're fun. Go ahead, try these words on for size too: Titicaca, flambe, geezer, dung, hobo, and lupus. Doesn't it bring a smile to your face? If not, you probably don't have lips...and I pity you.

Some words of my favorite words are words for things that you don't know the name of. A 'whatchamacallit' and a 'whoosie-whatsit' are always better than the actual labels. I also like using 'hootiedagger' and 'cha-chut', if you like talking in French nonsense.

Sidenote: One Cajun/French word that I've gotten a ton of use out of is 'fratch'. This word is one of the most diverse and flexible words that I've ever had the privelege to learn. Pronounced "FRAH-tch", as a noun it is used to describe a fart, usually one that can be classified as a rip. Sometimes, if you're really lucky, that's the sound it'll make...FRATCH! As a verb it can be used to describe a state of being or a process of being. Example: "We were driving down the road and "FRATCH!" There went my engine." If you have the opportunity to use this word, use it liberally.

Of course, some of my favorite words are curse words, although I'm trying to use those less and less these days. It's not that I'm trying to be a better person. It's just that when I do curse, I want the word to have an impact...like in church...when I call the priest a 'peckerhead'...again. Hey, that's what you get when you short me on the wine.

As we all know the most effective, powerful, and versatile word in the cursing category is the 'F' bomb. For a brief background on the word please see the following video. Warning, the video is NSFW:


video

That about covers my love affair language. Remember to have your muclucs on the ground, and to keep reaching for the fratch!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Fork This

I hate puns in my titles. From now on, I swear to never do a 'punny' title again. May Jesus stab me if I do.
I have a hobby. It's a stupid hobby. But it's still gives me something to do. I like taking forks from restaurants. How stupid and childish of me. But I can't help it. I'm usually a law-abiding type of guy, and it's the closest feeling to being a criminal I get.




Now I don't just go stealing any fork I get my hands on. My thievery is contained to just silverware only, and I only take forks. At the moment I don’t take donations. I’d rather just steal them myself (although my wife is getting very good at it). Maybe I’ll take contributions one day, but that’ll be when I start getting nervous about G-Men getting on my tail. Yeah, one day I’ll have the reputation of an international super-criminal. Until then, my wife and I will be the Bonnie and Clyde of silverware.


I have a set of regulations I like to follow. Here they are:
  1. Only forks.

  2. Only one - I only grab one fork from the place. I don’t do this for the fork, I do it more to say I’ve been there. I know, saying that I’ve been to a Denny’s in Podunk isn’t much, but there are usually stories attached to the trip, and I’m more into collecting stories than anything. (Wow, that was a long rule.)

  3. No plastic - Like I said earlier, no plastic dinnerware. I just want the metal ones. This includes sporks. I know they’re cool, but maybe that’ll be a different project down the road.

  4. No duplicates – If I’ve been to an Outback in New York, I’m not going to grab an Outback fork from Maryland. One will do. Following this rule will get me to eat at other types of establishments. There’s no use in getting caught in a rut.

  5. Not in your mouth – I won’t eat with these forks. You don’t want to know what I have to do to smuggle them out. (This is more of a guideline.)

How did it start? I have no idea. I like taking souvenirs of when I go places. But I usually don’t walk with the kind of souvenir that’s sold at the gift shop. I like to go with something offbeat. For example, 12 years ago I went to a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Japan and stole an ashtray. I don’t know what happened to it, but that was quite a job being subtle while I stuffed that in my pants.

Currently I have 9 forks from various restaurants. It’s no criminal empire, but it’s a good start. I’ll be taking pictures of them soon to post up here so everyone can share in the beautiful designs. I say that tongue in cheek, but there are some that I really like. The forks from the Olive Garden are pretty nice; three-pronged and simple. And, surprisingly, some designs are very similar to each other. The forks from Copeland’s and the Olive Tree (a local Italian restaurant) are the same. Maybe the Olive Tree got a discount on some slightly used silverware.

Know you know of one my quirky hobbies. Is there something wrong with me? Is this wrong for me to do? Go ahead and judge me. But remember what Jesus said about judging people. He said that it's not good, and then he stabbed a bunch of folks.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Haven't we done this before?

It's been over a year since I've posted out here. Why do I neglect this blog so much? I think the answer is simple. I like taking my potential and flushing it down the crapper. That's just how I roll.

Here's the skinny. I was thinking about scrapping this entire blog and starting from scratch, but that doesn't seem right to kill all of this content. Instead, I think I'll just do a half-ass reboot of sorts where we start posting again and just let the content guide the format. There will be a few tweaks and changes in the process

I've got a ton of things to catch up on, this blog included, so I'll get back to cracking. I just wanted to post really quick to say I haven't forgotten...even though I have. There's going to be some news coming later. My friends and I have some cool things cooking at the moment. We're writing some videos, sketches, and new blogs. Once we get all of that rolling, we'll put it all up somewhere.

A lot coming down the chute...a lot!

Here's a few things for funsies.

motorboat

ultimate warrior

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Don't shave it. Save it!










'God, I love having a moustache!'


-Bart


Thursday, April 05, 2007

Pull up a chair and kill a few minutes.

Here's what we've been entertaining ourselves with these days:

* Feel like singin' the blues?

* This guy is totally better than your kids. And he proves it even more in part 2.

*
I hate it when things don't go to plan...

Enjoy yourselves with that.
Bart

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Obey!

Bob Ross demands that you obey...


Click me to do my bidding!


He wants you to go see me do stand-up comedy on April 9th in Clarendon, VA.

Details here.

Anything else you need to know? Ask these guys.

See ya!
Bart

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Dropped in...

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.

If I could only get my kid to do this...


Cat Poop - video powered by Metacafe

-Bart


By the way, if you're going to be in Arlington, VA tomorrow night, stop by Dr. Dremo's for a free stand-up comedy show. I'll be in the lineup.


Also, January 17 @ 8pm, I'll be in the Improvisational show at the DC Improv. Get your tickets early, because these things always sell out.


Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Monkey see, monkey do...evil.

Those monkeys always sneak up on you.


Here's a couple links to put you in the Christmas spirit:


Now you've got Santa where you want him.


Who wants some eggnog and whole bottle of sleeping pills?


By the way, if you're going to be in DC Wednesday night, stop by the DC Improv for a free improvisational show. I'll buy you a beer. I'll even help you drink it, if you want.



Monday, December 18, 2006

Random Christmas Musings...

What a prick.

Christmas is upon us, like another herpes outbreak. Yipee! Anyway, here are some random holiday thoughts I've had:

  • Nothing says, "I have no idea what to get you," like cash and a card.

  • We've had to institute a new rule in the house. 'Thou shalt not puke on the Christmas tree.'

  • Santa still owes me back from 1987.

  • Eggnog is one of the easiest mixes of hooch to throw up...

  • ...rumballs are not.

  • Its not officially Christmas time until someone in your neighborhood falls off the ladder putting up the lights.

  • Is the family of Malcom X alright with folks using his name for X-Mas?

  • Is that where Kwanzaa came from?

  • Is it 'One horse open sleigh', or 'One whore soap and sleigh'? I think it's the latter.

  • If those deer in your front yard are so 'animated', how come they haven't jumped out in front of traffic like real deer?

  • Who else wants to shoot the inflatable yard decorations with a BB gun?

  • I like opening my presents very carefully and methodically. Why? Because it pisses you off.

  • Just because it has the logo of my favorite sports team, doesn't mean I want it. (New Orleans Saints socks, anyone?)

  • Maybe next time, you'll get me cash and a card.

  • Now I know why my Dad wanted to sleep in on Christmas morning.

  • It sucks to be broke around the holidays. That's why I'm going to steal my son's toys, rewrap them, and give them back to him. He'll never know the difference.

  • Santa is great leverage for making children behave...

  • ...so is holding a gun to the family dog's head...

  • ...but it doesn't work on the family fish. Nobody cares about the fish.
  • While you're enjoying your present, I'm going to go play with the box.
  • If you don't have a chimney on your house, how does Santa get in? If he does pick your locks, where did he learn that? Probably in the joint.
  • Sure, everyone wants to put the 'Christ' back in 'Christmas', but when are we going to put the 'Christ' back in 'Chrysler'?
  • I vote that we put the 'Cha' back in 'Chanukah'.
  • Baby Jesus in your Nativity scene makes a great football. But if your score a touchdown, don't spike him. Jesus doesn't like showboating.
Have a happy whatever you call it...
Bart