The Y2Cajun's Scribblings...

It has been declared!

2011-01-02T11:30:00.001-05:00

2008. A group of us pull an idea out of our ass and declare 2008 to be the year of the negro. We say it for a few months just because it sounds funny to us..."2008. The Year of the Negro." It has a silly ring to it. But the more we say it, the more it becomes a thing; it becomes something tangible. So we start paying attention to what is happening to and for black people. 2008: Barack Obama becomes the 44th President of the United States. Holy shit! We made this happen, somehow!

2009. We're riding our high from last year and decide to make this a thing. Who is going to get our focus this year? Who is going to benefit from our silly predictions? We pick the LGBT community. Coming off a stinging 2008 with the passage of Proposition 8 in California, we feel that we can do some good for our gay friends. So we declare, "2009. The Year of the Homosexual." See how we capitalized that? Showing reverence. But as we kept an eye on LGBT rights during the year, some really great things happened: Same-sex marriage is allowed in Norway, Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir becomes prime minister of Iceland (the first openly gay head of government in the world), Argentina and the Philippines ends their ban on gays in the military, and arguments begin being heard on the validity of Proposition 8. Not bad, right? So far, this these predictions are starting to take shape. And you can thank us for it. Go 'head, thank us. We'll wait.

2010. We immediately declare, "2010. The Year of Man." We're all over these predictions. After all, we're hot shit from last year. Now, this isn't a focus on gender. We mean it as to say "manning up" and being tough. Things are pretty bad. The economy took a dookie on most of us and it seems that things are tough all over. So we push the idea of fighting through this...to man up and make the changes necessary to survive. To do this, we had to prioritize between what we wanted and what we needed. Not an easy task once you get down to it. But me and my family made the changes, got rid of what we didn't need, and trimmed the fat. Due to this, I'm happy to say, we bought our first house at the end of this year. Great rewards for manning up.

So what is in store for 2011? I've given this a lot of thought. In light of the seemingly perpetual "outrage" that is seen on the news, on the internet, and coming from the mouths of our friends and neighbors, this year it's being declared...2010. The Year of Grownup. That's right. It's time for us to calm down, take a minute before overreacting to information, and just be grownups about everything.

So, it's been declared. I've got a feeling that if we can be grownups about everything, it'll be a better year for everyone. So the next time you feel like you're about to yell or preach about a topic ask yourself, "Am I being a grownup?" If you answer 'no'...go to your room without supper until you're ready to be mature.

"Gluttony" be thy name!

2011-01-02T11:29:00.001-05:00

We just went on a trip to Louisiana for Christmas. I think I lost my self control. Here's a list of the things I slammed down my gullet. Go ahead, judge me:

Fried Shrimp
White Beans and Pork
Fudge
Chocolate Covered Pretzels
Powdered Donuts
Little Debbie Snack Cakes (Jelly Cream Pies...YEAH!)
Hubig Lemon Pie
Hubig Chocolate Pie
Sunrise Fried Chicken...the BEST chicken on Earth. Go on, challenge me! It's the best!
Shrimp Boullettes (basically meatballs made of shrimp)
Catfish Po-Boy
Shrimp Po-Boy
Steak
Bloomin' Onion (had to chain it up at one point)
Pizza
Turkey
Spiral-cut Honey Ham
Rice Dressing
Potato Salad
Dixie Blackened Voodoo Lager (oh, that was nice)
Muscadine Wine (that was nicer)

Holy crap! I kinda disgust myself...but not really.

Put the "I'll gouge your eyes out" back in Christmas

2010-12-22T17:07:00.001-05:00

What is it about Christmas that brings out the worst in people? It brings out the anger and raises stress levels. For me, it makes me want to see people lose their stuff. I've always wanted to be at a Best Buy or a Toys R Us when a toy fueled beat down occurs. In my mind I picture it as two middle-aged ladies grappling over a Zhu Zhu pet. Each have one hand on the toy, almost as if they were tied at the wrist like those two gang leaders from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video. Purses are being swung at the head. Take out the head, take away motor control. The fight goes on and one mom gets the upper hand, when out of nowhere, someone on the fringe of the fight throws a switchblade to the person losing. Oh shit! Things just got interesting. A couple of cuts on the webs of the fingers and the toy is free. In one swift move, "Switchblade Mom" grabs the Zhu Zhu, gets close to the other mom, and stabs her in between the fourth and fifth ribs while puncturing a lung, and sneers, "Merry Christmas, bitch!"

Oh no! We kinda suck a little!

2010-10-10T19:25:00.002-04:00

They say that you shouldn't post angry. They also say that you shouldn't use the term 'you' and, instead, should say 'one'. As in: One should not use the term 'you'. Well, they can chew on my balloon knot. I write like I want to.

I'm in a Pick 'Em league with some guys. If you don't know what that is, that's where you pick the winners of each NFL game each week. So that means, every week, I get to show my friends how incredibly stupid I am, and then I have to spend the rest of the week defending my stupid decisions. Basically, it's like real life.

This week I picked the Saints to win. I just KNEW that we would walk the dog on the Cardinals. Oh, I'm sorry, did you just remark that I said, 'we'? You're absolutely right I did. As long as I can remember, I've always been a Saints fan. When I was a kid, I used to think I was Archie Manning. My cat's name is Archie now. (Passing on the greatness.) As I grew older, I was convinced that if I ever had a child, I'd name him Dalton, after Dalton Hilliard...not the Dalton from the movie "Road House". I'm not that much of white trash. OK, maybe I am. Anyway, the point is, I've paid my dues as a Saints fan. I can say, "we". And I will.

Onto the game notes! This week, I started tagging the notes with timestamps. The timestamps notate how much time was on the clock when the note was taken.

***Pregame***
*Either I'm going through an identity crisis, or I'm maturing. Today I had to go to my son's soccer game. This kid caught a soccer ball dead in the eye and started crying. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to stand up, point at this kid, laugh, and say something like, "Ha ha! You got stuck dead in the eye! How does it feel to be the only person crying in front of a large crowd of people?" But I didn't. I didn't even giggle to myself. I'm going to need to do more research on this phenomenon.

*Today's game time snack: Ben and Jerry's Cookies and Milk ice cream. Oh, that stuff is good. I like Ben and Jerry. When they give a flavor to an ice cream, they're not messing around. It really tastes like dipping cookies in milk.

*Today's game time drink: Turkey Hill Orange Tea. Two, two, TWO great flavors in one. Very yummy.

*Kurt Warner is providing color commentary for the game. I think he was born with a 5 'o clock shadow.

***First Quarter***
*14:51: Bad opening kickoff. Everyone looked like they were in slo-motion. Is it "slow motion" or "slo-motion"? I'll never know.

*12:56: Good interception! Let's give the ball to the offense and hope they can cure their scoring woes.

*12:48: I can't recall the last time I've ever seen Drew Brees scramble for yardage. Let's hope I never see it again.

*10:03: There's nothing more awkward than seeing a person in the crowd who knows he's on TV. He looks at the camera, he looks at the video monitor, he looks back at the camera

*9:49: 3 points off of the turnover. That's like 3 free points!

*7:02: I hate Taco Bell. I hate the New York Yankees. I hate everything that these two organizations stand for. That's why it pains me to love Taco Bell's new commercial with the Yankees manager pulling the guy off the Giant Chalupa. It's funny.

*6:12: Another incomplete pass to Colston. Something seems just a little bit off. We're just a tiny glitch away from completing on big plays.

*5:39: I'm so falling in love with Ladell Betts. He's a hard runner. Nothing flashy or amazing...just all around good.

*2:38: Kurt Warner was talking about Dominique Rogers-Cromartie, and called him "DRC". hat's an awful nickname. You know, there was a time when nicknames were creative. Walter Payton was called, "Sweetness" because of his running style. Terry Bradshaw was called the "Blonde Bomber" because, at one time, he had beautiful blonde hair. I'm serious, look it up. Oh, and I can call his hair beautiful. I have a man crush on him. Anyway, here's the point. Nicknames were actually names. Now, nicknames are really just a series of acronyms. Terrel Owens? "T.O". Adrian Peterson? "A.P". It's just not creative and I find it a bit lazy. I've said it before, and I'll say it again great nicknames are earned, not given. Just don't ask me why they call me "Doodybird".

*2:13: Seriously Arizona? A timeout?! This is like a momentum stopping timeout that you would call in basketball.

*1:23: Nice touchdown. Shockey was all alone out there.

*1:21: More bad kick coverage. So far, that's the only part of the game I find lacking.

***Second Quarter***
*13:24: I like Larry Fitzgerald. He's a fantastic receiver and, from what I've seen in interviews, a pretty decent fellow. But then again, I've once said a long time ago that I'd like to bum a cigarette off of Mel Gibson. So maybe Fitzgerald Greco-Roman wrestles defenseless kittens in his free time.

*11:50: Nice sack! It's good to see some pressure on the QB. I just realized what I typed..."nice sack"? Ugh.

*9:40: I'm very relieved to see a consistent running game.

*7:22: And we have to punt. I'm hoping that the Cardinals don't creep into the game and keep it close.

*5:53: Max Hall, QB for Arizona, is looking like he has some confidence. We need a big hit or an interception to get that out of his system.

*3:43: Earlier they mentioned that San Diego got 9 sacks on the Cards last week. I'd like some of that. And we just got it. Sack #2.

*3:39: More pressure on the QB. Let's keep that up.

*3:21: Rare, horrendous mistake by Brees (throw off the mark) and Betts (dropped the pass) which turns into an interception by the goal line. Ow, that hurts!

*2:31: I hate close games.

*2:19: Their offensive lineman picks up a fumble for a touchdown...but I think we killed their QB in the process.

*1:10: Carney drives it home for 3. Looks like we're sleepwalking through the 2nd quarter.

***Halftime***
*So far, this has been a pretty tough game to watch. The Saints show signs that they can dominate this game at any time they wish...then they go into sleepwalk mode and let the Cardinals back into it. Even though we're winning, I'm still a bit disappointed.

*I've learned that it is pretty hard to pick my nose with my wife sitting right next to me. It's one thing to get my finger in...which is pretty easy. I have big nostrils. But once I get to the prize, then what? Can't flick it against the wall. Don't want to deposit them in the couch cushions. For now, I've designated a corner of the living room to be the booger drop spot. I won't say where it is exactly. Who knows? Maybe one of you will visit me one day and you'll spend the whole time looking for it. You know what? Forget I said anything. Back to the game!

***Third Quarter***
*14:41: Big hit and Brees gets the gall knocked loose. Seriously, we cannot take the Cardinals lightly.

*13:44: And we start with a three and out. Ugh. I'm starting to feel a little nervous.

*11:57: Hall fumbles the ball! And his offensive lineman jumps on it for a gain. Can this count towards their rushing yards?

*7:42: Nothing really noteworthy has happened in the 3rd quarter. Arizona has tied it up and Chris Ivory has had a couple of pretty good runs.

*6:50: Betts makes a pretty good over the shoulder catch. I wouldn't mind seeing him back next year.

*3:00: We're in the red zone. I think it is crucial that we score a touchdown here.

*2:10: A false start against the Saints inside the red zone. This may actually give us more room to score. EDIT: Spoke too soon. Betts gets stopped cold and we've got to go to Carney again.

*1:27: Carney misses...the football Gods continue to punish us on the day.

*End of the 3rd quarter: Pretty disappointing. The defense is starting to look a little tired and the offense has nothing to be confident about. We'll need a couple of big plays to re-energize and awaken them. Although, I think I've been saying that all season long.

***Fourth Quarter***
*11:39: The Cardinals drive and kick another field goal. They're up 16-13. Sheesh. This is getting on my nerves. Just like how my neighbors deciding to start cutting wood right next to our living room window. Wayne Brady is gonna have to choke a bitch.

*10:42: We fumble, they pick it up, they score touchdown. My posts will just boil down to being caveman-like grunts. Just like that, we're down by 10.

*10:42 (Commercial): Hey you jackholes singing about your Burger King breakfast sandwiches...I'm going to come over there and kick them out of your hands. Then you'll get to feel as bad as I do right now.

*9:04: Interception by the Cardinals! This is getting to be ri-God Damn-diculous! As Arizona is going to start running the ball to eat up time, our defense has got to be tired.

*7:57: Remember in the pregame notes when I said I didn't laugh at that kid who got smacked in the face? I should have laughed at him.

*6:00: Stuffed on 3rd and short! Look, I don't claim to be a great play caller. I don't even claim to be employed by a football-related organization. But that last series was a display in craptastic play calling. 'Craptastic' is a technical term and you can quote me!

*3:25: We've got the ball back and we're down by 10 points. Let's see if they decide to open the play book up, or just continue to make horrendous mistakes.

*3:06: It's one thing to run a hurry up offense for one score, but we're down by 10.

*2:48: Almost threw another interception. It's been that kind of day.

*2:24: Brees has been uncharacteristically inaccurate today. Maybe he's wearing his Super Bowl ring and throwing his balance off. Guys, keep the jewelry off the field.

*1:56: I was alluding to it earlier, but never outright came out and said it. But, we should have been killing these guys.

*1:49: We get a touchdown through a desperation play. Wow. Is it bad that I was nervous for the extra point? OK, everyone knows an onside kick is coming...here we go.

*1:49 (After kick): Here we went. Arizona has the ball and will now milk the clock. I'm so setting something on fire tonight.

*:24: We get the ball back on the 9 yard line. I don't want to say 'here we go' with an exclamation point. So...here we go?

*:10: Interception for a touchdown. Figures.

*:04: Maybe we can score 10 points with 4 seconds left! Maybe if I tried real hard, I could grow an arm out of my ass. Good! Kneel on the ball. Let's finish this garbage.

***Postgame Notes***
*Pathetic. So far this year, we have played down to our level of competition and it's finally come back to bite us.

*I've never seen Drew Brees so inaccurate.

*I guess I can sum up the performance in one word: "disappointing".

*We're only 5 weeks into the season, but it seems to be a grind already.

*By the way, Atlanta is on top of the division. Pardon me while I go set something on fire.

New Orleans Saints Game Notes. Week 2 vs. 49ers

2010-09-26T11:52:00.004-04:00

Here's the game notes from the New Orleans Saints vs. San Fransisco 49ers game on September 20th. As the season goes on, these game notes will be edited better. It's a work in progress...just like me!

***Pregame***

*The very last thing I experienced at work today was a guy in the bathroom dropping a 7 second fart. Think about it...most people can't even hold their breath that long. The funny thing about it...other than 7 full seconds of fury coming out of that guy's butt...was that he tried to cough to cover it up. Sorry buddy, you could have full-on whooping cough and you still couldn't disguise that. That's the stuff tore up drawers are made of.

*I've got a feeling that we'll score more than 14 points tonight. The offense has the personnel, the scheme, and the coaching staff that is smart enough to know when and how to make adjustments. This could be a big night for them.

*I'm sure that the 49ers will throw a steady dose of Frank Gore at our defense. Stopping the run will be key. The 49ers also have a good tight end in Vernon Davis, but if the Saints can bring pressure steadily at the QB, then that won't be a problem.

*I didn't want to have to lace into ESPN so early...but here goes. The ESPN crew of Stu Scott (Mad Eye Murdock), Matt Millen (Mongo Like Candy), and Steve Young (Pronounced "Fra-GEEE-lay"!) had to say that we must focus on Reggie Bush and his Heisman trophy. I swear, watching ESPN is like watching TMZ with jock straps. Just unbearable.

*Chris Berman, you make me want to chew my own face off.

*Just saw a Chunky Soup commercial showing a bunch of guys falling asleep on their couches after eating a greasy dinner. Apparently, I'm supposed to pity them; I don't. Lucky bastards.

*Miller Lite has a vortex bottle...so you can pour shitty beer faster to your glass.

*I'm going to pour myself a drink so I can stop saying cynical things about commercials.

*Steve Young is stupid and made of poo.

*Mike Ditka can tell you the different flavors of Windex.

*This year's pre-game chant by Drew Brees is going to take awhile to grow on me.

*Sometimes I'm convinced that Hank Williams Jr. is just a bear wearing sunglasses.

***1st Quarter***

*Even though the opening kickoff was flagged for holding, kick coverage is key. I've got a feeling special teams will play a big part in tonight's game.

*2-0 (the score) is not a bad start. Defense is putting pressure on. But it's still early.

*Anybody know the rules on punting after a safety? If it goes a certain distance, can it be recovered by the kicking team? I've just never known the specifics on that.

*The last resort pass to Thomas showed that the O-line is doing a pretty good job.

*Good looking first drive. Moved the ball very effectively and methodically. I hope we can follow up with other point-producing drives.

*Looks like there may be some scuffles between both teams. Part of me likes seeing that.

*Reggie, sweety, honey, I love you...but you're trying to do too much on punt returns.

*New drinking game: Take a swig every time Reggie Bush touches the ball and they start talking about the Heisman trophy. You're gonna get so drunk!

*So far, the D is still getting decent penetration on the line of scrimmage.

*Ok, I know Louisiana gets a bad rap about our education and level of sophistication...but after seeing the shot of the 49ers fan with the beanie, banjo, and lack of teeth, I demand an apology. See the following photo.

*Roman Harper gets good pursuit on the QB...then he pulls in a pretty nice interception. He's my MVP so far.

*I just went back on my DVR to see the 49ers banjo man. Seriously, I want my apology.

*On the punt return...even I'm going to say the 49ers player did not touch the ball. I want to win, but lets keep it fair. EDIT: Good call refs. Keeping it fair.

*This game is starting to look strangely familiar to last week's game. Great opening drive, then stalling out. Defense is starting to look a touch tired.

***2nd Quarter***

*San Fran is moving the ball right out the gates. Our defense needs to get off the field.

*Our cornerbacks are making good open field tackles.

*Their safety valve passes killed us on their scoring drive.

*Our drive is moving, but I'm not seeing the confidence.

*There's a commercial with the Atlanta Falcons on a bus. If there weren't kids on that bus, would I mind if it fell off a bridge?

*Our O-line is starting to break a little and allowing too much pressure on Brees.

*After the punt, we could use a big play from the defense.

*Again with the safety valves. They're nickle and diming us and it's working very well.*Two minute warning. I kinda want to see this half end. I said it before and I'll say it again. Our offense needs point-producing drives and the defense needs to get off the field.

*"Argh! You know they're going to run the ball! Stop the run!" (He screamed at the TV.)

*Then the defense forces a fumble and recovers. (sighs) Thank you.

*Gruden, a 'gutty' play call?

***Halftime***

*Not a great first half. Time of possession was very disappointing. Can't score if you don't have the ball.

*Other game notes:

**I think Favre single-handedly lost that game against the Dolphins.

**The Cowboys are not supposed to be that bad. The Bears are not supposed to be that good.

** The Colts snapped out of it. The NFC East isn't as strong as ESPN would like you to believe.

**The Jets/Patriots game really surprised me.

**I'm not upset about Vick going back to the bench. Kolb earned the starting spot, so you keep playing him until he shows you reason otherwise.

**The locals are restless around here about the Ravens. They're ready to blow up the whole offense.

**7 turnovers?! C'mon Tennessee. You're not beating anyone with that garbage.

**I don't know if Houston came back and won, or if Washington gave it away.

**Cleveland...meh. KC...meh.

**Tampa has beat two suck teams in a row. Keep that champagne in the fridge. You're not ready yet.

*I'm sure that the Saints are making the right adjustments offensively. They get the ball back in the second half. Let's see if they can drive the ball.

***3rd Quarter***

*Brees is making his throws again. Let's keep this opening drive going.

*Our running game has not been established. And their pass rush is getting too much penetration.

*And we have to punt on the opening drive. This is getting quite frustrating. EDIT: I know I've been spoiled and I expect us to score every time we touch the ball. But I don't think I'm being unrealistic by expecting more production.

*Alex Smith is getting entirely too much time to make these throws. You give any NFL QB time, and he will shred your secondary.

*This game is making me drink more than I normally do.

*Our defense getting wore out due to our offense's inability to keep the ball. Yeah, I'm pointing fingers.

*Now we're down. C'mon offense, it's your turn to get us back on top.

*I'm not trying to make excuses, but I think the wind is really grabbing the passes from the QB's.

*It looks to me like Pierre Thomas isn't really attacking the holes. I could be wrong or not know something they do.

*I love when Colston catches the ball. He doesn't even have to run much after the catch, he can just fall forward and pick up a lot of distance.

*Alright offense! You came through when we needed you. So they've shown they can respond when needed, but I wonder if they can pour it on to put the game away.

*I'd like to hear Will Smith's name called more.

*Reggie! How can you get pushed out by the punter?! Gimme your lunch money!

***4th Quarter***

*Ok, I think it's time for the Saints to start pouring it on. We've got to wear these guys out.

*So that drive didn't get a touchdown, but points are points. Good kick, Hartley.

*Gore is still running wild on us.

*That was a BS pass interference call. Vernon Davis pushes off but we get the call.

*Oh, well, well, well...interception. I'd call that karma.

*And we try to run the ball right after. It's just not working tonight.

*Special teams have held tight. Still hoping they don't become the deciding factor.

*Will Smith gets in there for a pass deflection! This leads to a big stop for the D. They've earned this rest.

*Reggie drops the punt, but gets back on it. Please, don't make me drink more than I have to. Reggie is hurt. He's probably done for the night. Hope he's ok. And they mention his Heisman...DRINK!

*Big mistake for San Fran! I said it last week...I LOVE Courtney Roby on kick coverage.

*Pierre isn't having a good night. Is this more on the O-line or Pierre?

*After getting stuffed at the goal line, I think it's safe to say it's on the O-line.

*Ok, the field goal is through and we're sitting with an 8 point lead with 2:08 to go. It's all up to the D now.

*Screen passes against the blitz are working against us.

*Our defense looks tired. And it shows...damn Frank Gore.

*Ya'll gave up the 2 point conversion too?!

*Ok, Roby is my candidate for MVP for the Saints now. He's put us in good spots to begin on offense and picked up a fumble.

*Colston, not flashy, but clutch. Absolutely clutch. He reminds me or a bigger Eric Martin. Who's with me on the 80's Saints reference?

*Comes down to the kick for the win. San Fran cannot try to ice the kicker. Good. That's a douche move anyway.

*Here we go...false start.

*Here we go again...and it's blocked!!! But it goes through anyway!!! Saints win!

**Post Game***

*Sheesh!

*I'm gonna make post game quick because I need to fall out after this one.

*Non-existent running game needs to be remedied.

*The defense needs to stop the run and get off the field. The time of possession is no good.

*I'll take 2-0, even if it's ugly. You are what your record says you are.

My ESPN audition.

2010-09-26T11:23:00.003-04:00

Every day I watch ESPN. Every day, I choke a little more on my bile.

Now I remember the old adage, "Either your part of the problem, or part of the solution." So I thought I'd publish some game notes that I took while watching the Saints during week 1 vs. the Vikings. Think of this as if you were watching the game with me on your couch...drinking your beer, eating all of your chips, and leaving your toilet seat up.

***Pregame***

*Normally I'd have more pregame notes, but I rushed home from my bike ride in the park. Hard to focus on the game when you're dodging piles of dog shit.

*I hate Bud Light. It's the stuff dry heaves are made of. But I'm going to quote their current ad slogan, "Here we go!"

*Excited to see the championship banner. Teared up some. I think I've figured it out. It's just that things usually suck in LA, even before the oil and the levees failing. The Saints let the folks be happy on Sundays. If they win, they get to be happier for a little longer than Sunday.

*What a beautiful National Anthem. Just wonderful.

***1st Quarter***

*1st offensive drive was flawless. Brees spread the ball around. O line gave him plenty of time. Receivers showed good hands.

*Defense rose to the challenge in the first drive. But I'm sure they knew Minnesota was just going to run the ball.

*Trying to get cute with the screen passes on the second drive.

*Adrien Peterson is slippery.

*Did Greg Williams dye his hair? Sheesh.

*Brees is so amazing. I want to adopt him. Recovered a botched snap, outran the blitz in the endzone and still got the ball to a receiver while making it look easy.

*Is it wrong that I expect the offense to score on every possession? Then I get mad when they stall out. Overall, the offense looks very good. Defense looks pretty good. Adrien Peterson is still a bit dangerous.

***2nd Quarter***

*I don't care about Brett's boo boo's from last year. Stop trying to make him more of a legend.

*Defense is swarming on the ball. The linebackers are still just a bit behind the receivers.

*If they keep running Peterson effectively, they might wear our defense out.

*Feels like the offense is throttling back. They're also starting to make sloppy mistakes. Even Brees is starting to make mistakes. Almost threw an interception.

*I know we score quickly, but I'd still like to see more time of possession.

*Nice interception by Vilma. Great hit on Favre. It was comical in slow motion.

*Need to create some scoring opportunities and take advantage of ones that are given to us.

*Shanle is too slow to be covering Shiancoe.

***Halftime***

*In the 2nd quarter, Brees was throwing too many passes off balance.

*We should be killing these guys. But it's just not happening.

*First time I've ever watched the NBC guys during halftime. They suck.

*Hey NBC, we don't care about the NFC and AFC East as much as you do.

***3rd Quarter***

*I love Courtney Roby...more on covering kicks than running them back. He lays his body on the line.

*It seems way too late to start trying to establish the run. EDIT: Maybe I spoke too soon. It's working a bit. With establishing the run in the second half, that'll be another weapon to wear Minnesota's defense down with. If this keeps up, the Vikings should be winded towards the end.

*Offense is starting to get its swagger back.

*Touchdown! Good looking drive.

*Much better tackling on Peterson.

*Almost got an interception! Favre got rushed and made a bad throw...just like he always does.

*Even when he does nothing, Reggie Bush is still exciting. I can see the amazing moves in him just dying to get out, but he hardly ever gets to show them in a productive fashion. He was so used to single-handedly dominating games in college. But now he's in the pros and he has to realize that no player gets to do that on a consistent basis.

*Saints did not follow up with any points on the ensuing drive. Need some consistency on offense.

*I think we're in Favre's head. Forcing more throws. But we need to extend the lead in case he gets his head out of his ass.

*ANOTHER missed opportunity. We need to hit the dagger and start pouring it on. Points! We need points!

***4th Quarter***

*Seriously, Tom Brady? Your hair cannot be serious. Your head is Photoshopped. Oh, and during the commercial, why offer the dude the remote control if you won't let him use it. Stupid turd commercial.

*Good stop by the defense early on. Good intensity.

*Al Michaels, nobody cares about which referee overruled which. The play was reviewed and called incomplete. Shutup already!

*Offense moved the ball effectively again, but did not capitalize. This can come back to haunt them in this game and, if not addressed, during the rest of the season.

*Garret Hartley, you owe us 6 points. This last miss was unacceptable.

*Defense is still coming through...but the offense needs to hold onto the ball so the defense can get a rest. If they get winded, the chances of them giving up a big play go up exponentially.

*I love the way Pierre Thomas runs. He has filled Deuce McAllister's shoes nicely.

*Good running down the stretch to kill the clock.

*Kneeling the ball at 1:32. That's the game.

***Post Game***

*Not a bad way to start the season. Not to be greedy, but the score should have been higher. A lot of missed opportunities and need consistency on offense during the long week before the next game.

*Defense hung in there despite being on the field so long.

*All in all, it's still a win. Kinks need to be worked on as the season progresses. It's a work in progress and everything will get put together game by game.

*Minnesota was pretty unimpressive throughout the game. Peterson ran hot and cold and he was the majority of the offensive attack. In the second quarter, the Viking's rush affected our passing attack. In the 3rd quarter, the Viking's defense made some very good tackles to kill momentum.

*1-0. But more work to be done.

I'll admit, these game notes were ugly. The beginning of the season jitters were very apparent. I'll do better next time, coach.

Am I going to make another empty promise?

2010-09-26T11:01:00.002-04:00

I can be motivated some times. Now is one of those times. Tomorrow...maybe not. We'll see.

I'm going to try and resurrect this blog one more time. One. More. Time. (Until the next time.) Now, I'm not going to make a bunch of promises like, "Stay tuned, because I'm going to this and this and this and little bit of this, with a side of that and sprinkled with some of those."

Let's take this nice and slow. Maybe get to know each other a little bit. I just don't want to get hurt again. Woah, what the hell am I talking about?

Anyway, stay tuned...I've got some interesting things cooking. (Ha! I'm a hypocrite!)

Exercising those writing muscles

2009-03-18T20:39:00.006-04:00

I use this blog for a variety of reasons. I've used it to ponder on weird things that I notice, like when I followed a lady on the highway who was smacking herself in the head for at least a miles worth...that story will come another time. Sometimes I use it to tell everyone embarrassing stories about myself...search for my ass saga sometime. I've also been known to work out stand up comedy material out here...see just about any post at all. But mostly I use the blog as a tool for writing exercises.

I have a tendency to be lazy when it comes to writing. Well, let me rephrase that. I have a tendency to be lazy. There. That's better. When that happens, I usually fall back to writing exercises to get me back on track. One of those exercises is making lists. So, before I go goofing off again, here are a few lists I've been working. Remember, anything in these lists are subject to change upon further research, my whim, and/or the hardness of my nipples. Don't laugh, they make a lot of decisions for me.

1. Superpowers I would like to have:

Invisibility
Flight
Super Speed
The ability to fart clouds into letters and shapes

2. Things that are both funny and sad:

Fat people eating and crying at the same time
Tickling an old person until they pee themselves
Ugly Twins (They're both ugly, but not unique.)
Clowns dieing violently (Think elephant rampage.)
Midgets not being able to reach something crucial (A diabetic midget jumping up to reach his insulin, but not quite making it.)
Bears getting toddlers stuck in their teeth (Silly bear, you don't know how to use a toothpick!)

3. People who could play me in a movie:

Jack Black (I've been told I look like him. But then again, I've also been told I'm good in the sack. So take it for what it's worth.)
Gary Oldman (He could play anybody. He's probably playing you right now!)
Bea Arthur (Naturally)
Ian Holm (He's that dude from those flicks. Look him up.)
Rosie O'Donnel (Rosie needs the work.)
Johnny Depp (Another guy who could play anyone. I'm sure he'd ugly himself up for the role.)
William Shatner (Wishful thinking. How great would it be if Bill Shatner was saying things I say on the movie screen? "It's...not...going...to...suckitself!!!" I say that all the time.)
James Garner (Again, wishful thinking. He's like a more easy going Clint Eastwood. Anyone who watched TV in the 70's knows what I'm talking about. Rockford Files, anyone?)
Billy Crystal (We both have round heads.)
Eddie Albert (If you have to look him up, you sadden me.)
Don Rickles (Chalk up another for wishful thinking.)
Dom DeLuise (...and another.)

4. Things I would do if I were a woman:

Not be so insecure about my appearance
Be a slut

Where Did You Learn Them Fancy Words?

2009-03-09T21:30:00.005-04:00

I've always been a big fan of words; foreign and domestic. They serve so many uses and are so versatile.

Sometimes many are used to convey simple messages: "We're running low on bread and milk. So when you get a chance, on your way home from work, stop by the store and pick us up a few things. Oh, I'll probably give you a call to add a few things on the list, so we make sure everything is taken care of." Translation: "I don't have any money."

Sometimes a single word can explain the most complicated and deepest of thoughts: "Meh." Translation: "Fine, I'll get all of the things on your list. Also, when I hang up this phone, I'm going to curse and scream at the little bobble-head Jesus that sits on my dashboard because he's the only one who will listen to me. Well, it's not like he listens anyway. He just sits on his cross with his arms wide opened as if to say, "I can't do nothing for you, man." And that's all life is...just a bunch of supernatural beings with all the omnipotent power in the universe who either choose not to use it for the sake of good, or are too inept to even know how to harness that power. God, why don't you just stab me now?!"

...or something like that.

Although words are very effective tools, like all most tools, I don't use them for the purpose they were built. You should see me using a Phillip's head screwdriver...makes the best Q-Tip on Earth. I mostly find words that are strange and just say them over and over to myself almost like a verbal playground. I like saying words like 'mucluc' and 'gazebo' where they don't belong, just because they're fun. Go ahead, try these words on for size too: Titicaca, flambe, geezer, dung, hobo, and lupus. Doesn't it bring a smile to your face? If not, you probably don't have lips...and I pity you.

Some words of my favorite words are words for things that you don't know the name of. A 'whatchamacallit' and a 'whoosie-whatsit' are always better than the actual labels. I also like using 'hootiedagger' and 'cha-chut', if you like talking in French nonsense.

Sidenote: One Cajun/French word that I've gotten a ton of use out of is 'fratch'. This word is one of the most diverse and flexible words that I've ever had the privelege to learn. Pronounced "FRAH-tch", as a noun it is used to describe a fart, usually one that can be classified as a rip. Sometimes, if you're really lucky, that's the sound it'll make...FRATCH! As a verb it can be used to describe a state of being or a process of being. Example: "We were driving down the road and "FRATCH!" There went my engine." If you have the opportunity to use this word, use it liberally.

Of course, some of my favorite words are curse words, although I'm trying to use those less and less these days. It's not that I'm trying to be a better person. It's just that when I do curse, I want the word to have an impact...like in church...when I call the priest a 'peckerhead'...again. Hey, that's what you get when you short me on the wine.

As we all know the most effective, powerful, and versatile word in the cursing category is the 'F' bomb. For a brief background on the word please see the following video. Warning, the video is NSFW:

That about covers my love affair language. Remember to have your muclucs on the ground, and to keep reaching for the fratch!

Fork This

2008-06-10T22:01:00.005-04:00

I hate puns in my titles. From now on, I swear to never do a 'punny' title again. May Jesus stab me if I do.

I have a hobby. It's a stupid hobby. But it's still gives me something to do. I like taking forks from restaurants. How stupid and childish of me. But I can't help it. I'm usually a law-abiding type of guy, and it's the closest feeling to being a criminal I get.

Now I don't just go stealing any fork I get my hands on. My thievery is contained to just silverware only, and I only take forks. At the moment I don’t take donations. I’d rather just steal them myself (although my wife is getting very good at it). Maybe I’ll take contributions one day, but that’ll be when I start getting nervous about G-Men getting on my tail. Yeah, one day I’ll have the reputation of an international super-criminal. Until then, my wife and I will be the Bonnie and Clyde of silverware.

I have a set of regulations I like to follow. Here they are:

Only forks.

Only one - I only grab one fork from the place. I don’t do this for the fork, I do it more to say I’ve been there. I know, saying that I’ve been to a Denny’s in Podunk isn’t much, but there are usually stories attached to the trip, and I’m more into collecting stories than anything. (Wow, that was a long rule.)

No plastic - Like I said earlier, no plastic dinnerware. I just want the metal ones. This includes sporks. I know they’re cool, but maybe that’ll be a different project down the road.

No duplicates – If I’ve been to an Outback in New York, I’m not going to grab an Outback fork from Maryland. One will do. Following this rule will get me to eat at other types of establishments. There’s no use in getting caught in a rut.

Not in your mouth – I won’t eat with these forks. You don’t want to know what I have to do to smuggle them out. (This is more of a guideline.)

How did it start? I have no idea. I like taking souvenirs of when I go places. But I usually don’t walk with the kind of souvenir that’s sold at the gift shop. I like to go with something offbeat. For example, 12 years ago I went to a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Japan and stole an ashtray. I don’t know what happened to it, but that was quite a job being subtle while I stuffed that in my pants.

Currently I have 9 forks from various restaurants. It’s no criminal empire, but it’s a good start. I’ll be taking pictures of them soon to post up here so everyone can share in the beautiful designs. I say that tongue in cheek, but there are some that I really like. The forks from the Olive Garden are pretty nice; three-pronged and simple. And, surprisingly, some designs are very similar to each other. The forks from Copeland’s and the Olive Tree (a local Italian restaurant) are the same. Maybe the Olive Tree got a discount on some slightly used silverware.

Know you know of one my quirky hobbies. Is there something wrong with me? Is this wrong for me to do? Go ahead and judge me. But remember what Jesus said about judging people. He said that it's not good, and then he stabbed a bunch of folks.

Haven't we done this before?

2008-05-18T22:57:00.002-04:00

It's been over a year since I've posted out here. Why do I neglect this blog so much? I think the answer is simple. I like taking my potential and flushing it down the crapper. That's just how I roll.

Here's the skinny. I was thinking about scrapping this entire blog and starting from scratch, but that doesn't seem right to kill all of this content. Instead, I think I'll just do a half-ass reboot of sorts where we start posting again and just let the content guide the format. There will be a few tweaks and changes in the process

I've got a ton of things to catch up on, this blog included, so I'll get back to cracking. I just wanted to post really quick to say I haven't forgotten...even though I have. There's going to be some news coming later. My friends and I have some cool things cooking at the moment. We're writing some videos, sketches, and new blogs. Once we get all of that rolling, we'll put it all up somewhere.

A lot coming down the chute...a lot!

Here's a few things for funsies.

Don't shave it. Save it!

2007-04-07T01:27:00.000-04:00

'God, I love having a moustache!'

-Bart

Pull up a chair and kill a few minutes.

2007-04-05T17:50:00.000-04:00

Here's what we've been entertaining ourselves with these days:

* Feel like singin' the blues?

* This guy is totally better than your kids. And he proves it even more in part 2.

*
I hate it when things don't go to plan...

Enjoy yourselves with that.
Bart

Obey!

2007-04-04T23:40:00.000-04:00

Bob Ross demands that you obey...

Click me to do my bidding!

He wants you to go see me do stand-up comedy on April 9th in Clarendon, VA.

Details here.

Anything else you need to know? Ask these guys.

See ya!
Bart

Dropped in...

2006-12-27T00:50:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.

If I could only get my kid to do this...

Cat Poop - video powered by Metacafe

-Bart

By the way, if you're going to be in Arlington, VA tomorrow night, stop by Dr. Dremo's for a free stand-up comedy show. I'll be in the lineup.

Also, January 17 @ 8pm, I'll be in the Improvisational show at the DC Improv. Get your tickets early, because these things always sell out.

Monkey see, monkey do...evil.

2006-12-19T22:22:00.000-05:00

Those monkeys always sneak up on you.

Here's a couple links to put you in the Christmas spirit:

Now you've got Santa where you want him.

Who wants some eggnog and whole bottle of sleeping pills?

By the way, if you're going to be in DC Wednesday night, stop by the DC Improv for a free improvisational show. I'll buy you a beer. I'll even help you drink it, if you want.

Random Christmas Musings...

2006-12-18T22:45:00.001-05:00

What a prick.

Christmas is upon us, like another herpes outbreak. Yipee! Anyway, here are some random holiday thoughts I've had:

Nothing says, "I have no idea what to get you," like cash and a card.
We've had to institute a new rule in the house. 'Thou shalt not puke on the Christmas tree.'
Santa still owes me back from 1987.
Eggnog is one of the easiest mixes of hooch to throw up...
...rumballs are not.
Its not officially Christmas time until someone in your neighborhood falls off the ladder putting up the lights.
Is the family of Malcom X alright with folks using his name for X-Mas?
Is that where Kwanzaa came from?
Is it 'One horse open sleigh', or 'One whore soap and sleigh'? I think it's the latter.
If those deer in your front yard are so 'animated', how come they haven't jumped out in front of traffic like real deer?
Who else wants to shoot the inflatable yard decorations with a BB gun?
I like opening my presents very carefully and methodically. Why? Because it pisses you off.
Just because it has the logo of my favorite sports team, doesn't mean I want it. (New Orleans Saints socks, anyone?)
Maybe next time, you'll get me cash and a card.
Now I know why my Dad wanted to sleep in on Christmas morning.
It sucks to be broke around the holidays. That's why I'm going to steal my son's toys, rewrap them, and give them back to him. He'll never know the difference.
Santa is great leverage for making children behave...
...so is holding a gun to the family dog's head...
...but it doesn't work on the family fish. Nobody cares about the fish.

While you're enjoying your present, I'm going to go play with the box.

If you don't have a chimney on your house, how does Santa get in? If he does pick your locks, where did he learn that? Probably in the joint.

Sure, everyone wants to put the 'Christ' back in 'Christmas', but when are we going to put the 'Christ' back in 'Chrysler'?

I vote that we put the 'Cha' back in 'Chanukah'.

Baby Jesus in your Nativity scene makes a great football. But if your score a touchdown, don't spike him. Jesus doesn't like showboating.

Have a happy whatever you call it...

Bart

New Orleans Saints...nice.

2006-12-10T23:34:00.000-05:00

42-17. What a magical set of numbers. My Saints did it again, and this time put a whippin' on the Cowboys. I'm sure you'll hear about it on ESPN or something. But I'm just thrilled to see them play a great game.

It looks like being a life-long fan of these guys may start shaping up to pay its dividends. Or I just might be jinxing them by writing this. I don't know. I don't know what it's like to be successful...except for that stint I had as Rosie O'Donnell's personal chef. (How random was that reference?)

Geaux Saints!
Bart

"Where'd he go?" "Where'd who go?"

2006-12-09T01:43:00.000-05:00

One of these days I'm going to learn to stop saying that I'll post more. I'm such a liar. I know, I could lie more and say I was busy working on my epic lymeric about a gentleman from Nantucket. But I won't do that to you. It's not fair to you, the readers, and it's not fair to that small New England community. (Is Nantucket in New England?)

Anyway, here's the brief rundown of what's been happening with me...

1. First and foremost, I got married. Hooray for us!
2. I'm finally back to doing stand-up comedy after a little hiatus. Shows and dates to come.
3. My Saints are playing pretty hot right now. There will be more sports related posts (if I post).
4. My LSU Tigers aren't too shabby either.
5. The Pilates are really working out for me.

That about covers everything I can think of at the moment. So, stay tuned...if you dare! Aw, who am I trying to intimidate? All I can do is shake my chubby finger at you guys, and, let's face it, that's got no pull nowadays.

Enjoy,
Bart (Yeah, I'm using my real name...don't ask why.)

Time for a Pep Talk

2006-09-12T23:11:00.000-04:00

(This is something I've been scribbling for a little while. I'll admit, it is a bit overdramatic, and some of those things I don't do often ((poop jokes)). Hopefully, you'll get the point of it though.)

So your friends have told you that you’re funny? You tell great stories at parties. Everyone says you should be a comedian.

So you want to be a comedian? Are you sure?

Are you willing to drive hours away from your house to do five minutes worth of material?

You want to obsess over your material all week long, just to perform it for 3 people?

Are you willing to tackle and conquer nerves and anxiety that is so bad you almost pass out walking up to the stage?

You want to come home in the wee hours of the morning, excited to tell someone that you did good, but be a little sad because everyone is asleep?

You want to hear complete strangers, who obviously don’t ‘get it’, demand a joke from you in the course of a casual conversation?

You want to spend hours upon hours trying to get the wording right for a poop joke?

You want to spend every free moment beating yourself up because you didn’t say the ‘f’ word in the right spot of your set?

Are you willing to constantly whore yourself out by bombarding your friends and relatives with mass emails and phone calls to get publicity?

You want to spend years paying your dues with little to no chance for outright success?

Do you want to do ‘corporate gigs’ where you have to perform for a mass of people that don’t want to see you anyway?

Are you willing to come to that point where success is not a sure shot, but you’ll quit your day job anyway for that chance?

Are you willing to become a pawn in backstage politics, even though you don’t want to be involved anyway?

Are you sure you want all of this? Yes? Good. Because that’s what it takes, and you, the foolhardy, will do all of this for that one simple thing…the laughter of the crowd. And if you go through all of this for that one simple goal, then, my friend, you’re doing it for the right reasons.

Trust me. It’s all worth it.
-Y2

I'm back...as if you cared.

2006-09-07T23:55:00.000-04:00

Hi everybody! I'm back. Did you miss me? I didn't think so.

Actually, I had to post, due to threats I received. I won't say who threatened me, but let's just say their names rhyme with 'Germans'! So anyway, here's what's been happening lately (in no particular order).

I've been doing some more stand-up comedy. I think I've been getting a little better. Well, at least I have more material, so thats at least something. And something BIG is in the works.
Our improv troupe has been doing pretty well. If you get a chance, stop on by our website and look us up. www.thenextbestthingimprov.com
I'm still getting ready for my wedding. October 28th. Goodbye single Y2Cajun, and hello pitiful shell of a man. I say that in jest...but I'll still be pitiful.

Anyway, stay tuned. More updates and postings to follow...if the Kaiser has anything to say about it.

-Y2Cajun

Where There's a Will...

2006-06-15T22:40:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I'm still on the downhill track. In my old age, as I say this tongue-in-cheek, I've been thinking about death, and how wonderful it's gonna be. I've also been thinking about making a will and I thought I'd share it with you as I'm working on it.

I, the Y2Cajun, being of sound mind…not stable, but sound, do hereby state the following:

If I am on a respirator, pull the plug…but shoot me in the face, just so it’ll look like I went out like a badass.

Instead of a normal funeral and burial, jam a bunch of candy up my ass, tie me to a tree, and let the neighborhood kids whack me with a stick.

Furthermore, I bequeath all of my worldly possessions to the winner of a no-holds barred steel cage match. If you want my stuff, you gotta earn it!

I can't wait for the steel cage match...that's going to be fun!

-Y2

Downhill Only Leaves You at the Bottom.

2006-06-14T22:56:00.000-04:00

I just turned 30 a couple of weeks ago and someone told me, "It's all downhill from here." That's funny, because when I turned 18 someone else told me the same thing. Then just the other day a friend of mine turned 40 a few days ago and said the same thing.

Let's get our damn stories straight! When does the downhill arc really begin? With all of these conflicting ages, it started to piss me off. So I did a little research and I found out exactly when it all goes downhill. And lucky you, dear reader, I'll let you in on the secret. The downhill ride begins when you get potty trained.

Don't believe me? I'll explain it then. Before you're potty trained, you have a person waiting on you hand a foot to clothe, feed, and remove you from your own filth. It's all about you. You start crying, someone is there to find out what's wrong a fix it. Usually it takes a toy or a cookie. You hurt yourself, someone will be there to tell you it's ok. The whole world is yours for the taking.

And right when we have the world in the palm of our hands, what do we do? We start feeling cocky and independent. We make the mistake of wanting to do everything ourselves. Next thing you know, you're doing things for yourself and it feels pretty good. And when you want someone to do something for you, that's when the wheels of your plan fall off. They say, "Well you can do it our your own now."

All of a sudden, these people that were breaking their backs for you start ignoring you. They start expecting you to do things. You've got to start contributing. Welcome to the downhill ride...don't forget your helmet. (You can tell I'm a parent now, huh?)

The downhill ride seems like a ride you can't get off, right? Wrong! I'm working on a plan for that. From now on, I'm gonna stop being so independent. I'll stop trying to do everything for myself. Now I've got to make sure this plan is executed very slowly at first. Maybe I'll forget how to use a fork and spoon for a day, or forget how to drive. Then the concept of writing checks and paying bills will become foreign to me. Tying my shoes will flabbergast me next. Then I'll stop using words like 'flabbergast' and revert back to 'baba' and 'poopoo'.

Speaking of poopoo, that'll be the coup de grace of my plan. I'll just start crapping myself...a lot! And if someone makes the mistake of changing me, that's when I know I can take off life's helmet, and enjoy the ride back uphill.

Don't worry, I'll make sure to wave 'bye bye' as I pass you on your downhill slide.

-Y2

Papa was a rolling stone...

2006-06-13T23:31:00.000-04:00

Did you miss me? I didn't think so.

It's kind of weird. I've been away from the blog for so long, and so many things have happened, and I have no idea where to start. I guess I should start at the beginning. I was born to Albanian immigrants in 1934... Ok, maybe I wasn't, but it'd be a lot more interesting if I was.

Well, I'm just posting to let you all know that I'm still alive and doing ok. I'm also posting to whore myself out...as usual. Catch me at Dr. Dremo's open mic show on June 21st. Also, if you know of anyone who would needs a comedian for an event...and who wouldn't...get in contact with me. I'm for hire. I can be contacted at Y2Cajun@gmail.com

-Y2

Just dropping by for a second...

2006-03-13T22:33:00.000-05:00

Hey all,

I know I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy looking for a new place to live. Luckily my fiance and I found a pad to call home.

That was the good news, now the bad...I probably won't post much in the next few weeks because I've been temporarily transferred at work, so my commute has grown from 23 miles (one way) to 60 miles. But once that's done and we get settled into the new house I'll be back up and running.

Ok, enough bad news, back to some more good news. I've got two stand-up comedy gigs coming up next week. Monday, March 20 at 9pm in DC at the SoHo Coffeehouse and Wednesday, March 22 at 8pm in Arlington at Dr. Dremo's. If you've got nothing to do, come on out and check out live comedy...hey, why not? They don't cost nothing.

-Y2

No hard feelings...

2006-03-06T23:27:00.000-05:00

For those of you who didn't make it to the show Sunday night...don't worry about it. I guess Sunday night in a mall, for a crowd of 20, where 15 of them are comics, doesn't garner much enthusiasm for a gig. Oh well, stage time is stage time, so I won't complain. And I did get some laughs, which is a tough thing to do when you're performing for fellow comics.

Other than that, let's see what's been happening. Oh yeah, the Oscars were also on Sunday...and I don't care.

Well, looks like we're all up to date.

-Y2

The Rebellion Continues...

2006-03-02T21:44:00.000-05:00

Two nights in a row...woo hoo! I'll see you at AA.

Here's more silly links...

Everything you've wanted to know about Chuck Norris

They're evil, I tell ya!

-Y2

Join the Rebellion!

2006-03-01T22:13:00.000-05:00

There's something about getting a buzz on a school night. I feel like a rebel!

Enjoy the silly links...

Idiot's Guide to Life

More Arts and Crafts

-Y2

My Tuesday is fatter than your Tuesday.

2006-02-28T22:40:00.000-05:00

Happy Mardi Gras everyone! Get your sinning in before we have to feel guilty for it.

Unfortunately I missed the first part of it: Palm Sunday. That’s when us Catholics all go to church and get a palm branch to take home. I don’t remember the significance of it. I think it’s supposed to represent when Jesus went to the Virgin Islands or something. I don’t remember it all, but Jesus had something to do with virgins, right? Or was it that the only chicks he could nail had to be virgins? My theology studies are lacking.

What little I do remember about Palm Sunday is that a palm branch isn’t a smart thing to give to a bunch of kids. When I was a kid my friends and I would take our palms and go out in the backyard and have branch fights. And we would whip the ever loving hell out of each other. One time my parents caught us coming back all bloody and they lost their minds. They yelled, “What the hell were ya’ll doing?” We answered, “We were just playing ‘Jesus’.”

After Palm Sunday comes Fat Tuesday, which we all know what that is. Then there is Ash Wednesday, or as I like to call it, ‘Dirt on Your Head Day’. This is what really kicks off the 40 days of Lent where we don’t eat meat on Fridays until Easter. But sometimes I can’t handle that. That’s why I carry around a can of SPAM, just in case of an emergency. We also supposed give something up during Lent. I guess its symbolic that the sacrifice we make is just like Jesus’ sacrifice. So me giving up gummy bears is supposed to be comparable to Jesus getting tortured and crucified. That seems fair enough to me.

Usually I try to give up an everyday bad habit drinking coffee or doing coke off of the asses of crackwhores. I gotta say though, forty days without those things can get really tough.

Want to play Jesus too? Click here!

-Y2

You've trained your whole life for this.

2006-02-27T22:55:00.000-05:00

I hope you've all trained for the Ultimate Showdown! Click here if you're ready.

-Y2

Flavor FLAAAAAAV!!!

2006-02-26T22:13:00.000-05:00

As I’m sitting here watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics I can only think one thing…clowns suck.

It’s alright though, I’m flipping the channels soon. I’ve got to get my dose Flavor Flav tonight. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, flip on over to VH1 every now and again and catch The Flavor of Love. You'll be hooked just like me. C'mon, everyone scream with me, "FLAVOR FLAAAAAVVV!!!"

Anyway, here's some random thoughts:

1. Coughing and farting at the same time really hurts.

2. 3 year olds are funny.

3. Why am I so bitter when celebrities win prizes on TV shows?

4. How weird is it to have a man-crush? (Terry Bradshaw, if you're reading this, call me.)

5. Getting shot in the face with birdshot isn't that big of a deal. Plus, that's what you get when you walk in the line of fire.

6. I'm having a tough time deciding which song sucks more: Hollaback Girl or My Hump.

7. I miss Public Enemy.

8. I love my son.

9. What's the deal with MySpace? Can anyone fill me in?

10. Flavor Flav has ugly feet.

Before I call it a night, check these links out for your surfing enjoyment:

The one and only Chewbacca's blog

Arts and Crafts at its finest!

-Y2

P.S. Got another gig booked. Sunday, March 5, at 7 pm, come watch me do some stand-up comedy at the Comedy Spot in Arlington, VA. 5 bucks at the door. I hope to see you there!

Walk away like an Egyptian

2006-02-25T22:36:00.000-05:00

So I'm in line at the gas station the other morning to pick up a pack of smokes and a candy bar (the breakfast of champions!). I got caught behind this tool who decided to strike up a conversation with the clerk. Don't you just hate those jerks who are so desperate for conversation that they'll start the most inane babble with anyone they meet?

Well, this cat starts trying to show off his smarts by saying, "Oh, your name is Ismail. That name means the son of Abraham." The clerk showed how impressed he was by saying, "Uh, yeah." Well, the jackhole wasn't finished there. Here's how the rest of it went.

Conversation Man: "So, where are you originally from?"
Ismail: "Egypt"
Conversation Man: "Cairo?" (Because when someone says there from a certain place, it's customary to ask if they're from the only city you've heard of when you're a moron.)
Ismail: "No, I'm from Suhag."
Conversation Man: "Is that near Cairo?" (It sounded like he was convinced that the only city in Egypt was Cairo.)
Ismail: "No, it's south of Cairo."
Conversation Man: "Oh, because my brother-in-law and his family went to Cairo. They said it was nice." (Wait a minute! That jerk had never even been there! You would think with all of those questions he would have had some kind of emotional investment into Egypt. Why the hell was he even asking? He just wanted everyone to go, "Oooh, you know someone who's been out of the country. Goody for you!" What a schmuck! Plus, he was really dead-set on the Cairo thing.)

After he held us up for almost 10 minutes he finally left. The clerk and I looked at each other and laughed our heads off. What an f'n tool!

As I was following him out in the parking lot to beat his ass, I heard him talking to the person he got into the car with. He gets in and goes, "I just had a conversation with the clerk. He was telling me about Egypt." NO HE WASN'T! You were asking him stupid questions and he was nodding his head and giving short answers. Plus, in order to have a conversations both parties have to be willing participants!

If you know of someone who does this, please do us a favor and put a beat down on them or if that's too drastic, just roll up a newspaper and smack them on the nose and say, "BAD! BAD!"

-Y2

It's good to be back, I think.

2006-02-23T22:27:00.000-05:00

Let me just start off by saying thanks to all the folks who showed up at Dr. Dremo’s for my open mic set last night. Thanks for the support. I know it’s only open mic but it’s kind of a big deal to me being that I’m just starting out in standup.

So where have I been for the past week? I just got back from my home in Louisiana, or as I call it, “Bizzaro World”. My fiancé and I went down there to catch a few parades, eat some good food, have some drinks courtesy of the drive-thru daiquiri shop, and have a good time with my family. We almost did all of that. Three out of four ain’t bad.

My family was in rare form last weekend. It’s a little late to go into details but I’ll give you a quick sample of one of my mom’s random outbursts: “The two worst inventions in the history of the world are the bed and the TV.” You may have to read that last sentence a few more times so the level of f’d up really sinks in.

Ever wonder why I’m so weird? There ya go.

-Y2

Phew!

2006-02-23T00:52:00.000-05:00

Hey gang,

It's been a hell of a week. I'll update ya'll tomorrow to fill you in. Stay tuned.

-Y2

Where's Tony the Tiger when you need him?

2006-02-09T17:50:00.000-05:00

WOW! What a great show last night!!! Great cast! Great characters! Great audience! Great! Great! Great!

By the way, did I mention it was great?

Sorry I don't much of a post tonight. I'm still sapped from last night. So, I'll put it to bed early and have some creative things put up very soon.

-Y2

p.s. There another show this Saturday at 12 pm at the DC Improv. I know it's early, but at least admission is free! Stop on by and check it out...

My Momma?!

2006-02-07T22:46:00.000-05:00

It's a quiet night on the homefront and I've really got nothing stirring in my brain tonight. It's about time. So I'm finally going to go to bed on time and get some rest. Got a big day tomorrow and an even bigger night afterwards.

So, I'll say good night and leave you all with a classic 'Yo Momma' joke...

"Yo Momma's teeth are so yellow, when she yawns, traffic slows down."

-Y2

Got a Momma joke of your own? Submit it in the comments section.

Halftime at the old folks' home

2006-02-06T23:43:00.000-05:00

Let's recap...Steelers 21, Seahawks 10, my brain cells 3. Why did my brain cells score so low? It was bad defense...against the Rolling Stones.

The only reason I watched that awful halftime show was just in case their would be another nipple shot. I know they were fully clothed, but their was still a chance their saggy man boobs would fall out from their pants leg.

Choke on that visual...UGH!

-Y2

By the way, tickets are still available for the show at the DC Improv on February 8. Also, there will be a free show at the Improv on the February 11 at 12 noon. Stop on by and watch us bring the funny. Stay tuned for more shameless plugs.

The Early Bird Catches the Pregame Show

2006-02-05T00:56:00.000-05:00

I've only got time for a quick post today. I've got to get to bed so I can wake up at 5 am. Why am I waking up so early? The answer is simple. I've got to catch the 13 hours worth of Superbowl pregame.

Cut me some slack. Just like a herpes outbreak, it only happens once a year.

-Y2

Oh, and before I forget...

Come and check out me and Bryant Collins for a night of stand-up comedy at Dr. Dremo's in Arlington, VA on February 22. The show is free and starts at 8 pm.

Think about it

2006-02-02T22:40:00.000-05:00

Well, there's nothing exciting going on today. So, I'll just put up some random thoughts...

1. The dingo did eat my baby.
2. You know it's a good fart if you can taste it.
3. You just can't slap it up, flip it, and rub it down anywhere you please.
4. Boobs.
5. What the hell is a 'luftballoon', and why do we need 99 of them?
6. Big boobs.
7. Lava lamps are cool...
8. ...Lava soap is not.
9. Gigantic boobs.
10. I think I'm a boob man.
11. I don't care what state of mind I'm in, if I see a dog taking a dump, I'll laugh.
12. I think Colonel Sanders acted alone.
13. El Camino!
14. If you get so dirty that you need to be hosed off, then you did it right.
15. Bellybuttons make a great fingertip warmer.

-Y2

Plug it in while you can

2006-02-01T23:42:00.000-05:00

Hey gang. This is gonna be a quick post. It's close to bedtime.

I just got in from my buddy, Bryant Collins' open mic set. Let me tell you, he lit the place on fire. No, he really did. Apparently he loves to play with matches and things got out of hand. Anyway, after the insurance settlement is taken care of go and check him out. He is super funny and he puts me to shame. No kidding. I'm telling you right here and now, remember that name, he's got talent.

While I'm plugging things here, I've got another appearance at the DC Improv on February 8. Come on down and support live comedy, you'll be glad you did. For more info, click here, and please stay tuned for more appearance announcements.

-Y2

My Fellow Americans...DRINK!

2006-02-01T00:11:00.000-05:00

So, I watched the President's State of the Union Address tonight. (Don't ask me why I just capitalized most of that last sentence. I guess I'm showing reverence.) Anyway, I was watching it and thought of a good drinking game. Every time the President gets an applause break, take a shot. If it's a standing ovation by half of the house (partisan politics in action) take two. If it's an entire house ovation, take three. If he stumbles over a word, finish your beer.

That seems like a good game in theory. But after I took score of all the applause and the stumbles, it shapes up to be a one-way ticket to the emergency room. After all of the totals were tallied up, I came up with 61 applause breaks, 41 standing ovations, and 9 word stumbles. Now I like a good drinking game like the rest of you, but if I had to take a slug for every time something like that happened, I'd end up a dead man, or the newest member of the Rolling Stones.

What amazed me though is that the President only stumbled 9 times in the time that he spoke, which was a little over an hour. Like him or hate him, that's pretty impressive. I sometimes have a hard time ordering at Burger King, and that only takes 10 seconds. "I'd like a Whopper, some fries, and a Duh duh duh duh Dr. Pepper please."

What I don't like about the Address is the post-speech analysis on the news networks after the fact. It's condescending for these reporters to try and translate what was just said. The President does speak English (not great English, but it's manageable) and I understand English. So why do I need some stiff in a suit to try and tell me what just happened?

Thankfully though, we live in an age where cable TV is prevalent. So we don't have to suffer like the old days. Most of us remember, years ago, when all we had was a few channels and when the Commander in Chief decided he had something to say you had two choices: 1. Sit tight and listen or 2. Be forced into some quality 'family time'.

I'd always get forced into the family time. That's when we'd dust off an old board game and sit quietly together as a family...for five minutes. Then one of my brothers would start cheating. I'd get upset because he wasn't playing fair. Then my mom would get all pissed and beat our asses for fighting and then get sent to bed bruised and crying.

That's why, when I was a kid, when an adult would ask me if I wanted to be President when I grew up, I'd say "No way!". I couldn't have all of those suffering children on my conscience.

-Y2

You got a lot of nerve waltzing back in here...

2006-01-30T22:49:00.000-05:00

Heeeey everybody! (Everyone in unison: Hey Dr. Nick!)

I know I've been gone awhile, but I've had a lot of developments in my absence. Let's see if I can sum up the last couple of months for you. I've done a few stand-up comedy shows, an improv show, learned a few household tips (nothing like fixing broken things with a hangover on New Year's day), and did one of the most wonderful things of my life...got engaged to my girlfriend. I'll give you a minute to catch your breath and curse my name. Sorry ladies, but I'm off the market...unless the price is right. Baby, if you're reading this, I'm keeeeeeding!

Well, I just wanted to drop a post to let you all know I'm alive and somewhat well...except for the occasional brain tumor. But don't worry about that, those will pass...they always do. And I promise to update more...and I always keep my promises, just like this guy!

-Y2

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

2005-12-28T23:09:00.000-05:00

If Santa sees me all the time, I hope he catches me giving him the finger...

You wanna leave too?

2005-12-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

Pack it up and beat it!

1. Joan Rivers:
AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!

Her tagline is, "Can we talk?" No we can't. All we can do is stare at you in disbelief and scratch our heads.

2. Uppity Sports Reporters:
These are guys who probably haven’t really played sports at all, unless you count chasing butterflies in deep right field. These guys think they’re experts on the game because they remember obscure stats like a certain batter’s slugging percentage against right-handed pitching with runners in scoring position in stadiums that have a retractable roof. Guys, cough up what’s left of the lunch money you have to the jocks you’re reporting on and go away.

-Y2

Planes, Trains, and Jerks

2005-11-30T22:36:00.000-05:00

All aboard! The next train is leaving for 'away from here' and we've got room for two more:

1. Kevin Federline:
We get it! You’re nailing a hot chick! You can quit rubbing it in our faces. I’ve got to say you are everything that is wrong with everything. I don’t know how you slipped past karma’s radar, but you better enjoy while you can because Brittany is going to come to her senses one day and pitch you out on your ass. And don’t think for a second I’ll let you bum a cigarette when you ask for it.

Oh, and just to put the topping on the cake, you call yourself K-Fed...Ugh.

2. 'Finger Shooters':
I told you all this list wasn’t specific to just a person. Certain types of people can be included. This time I’m including the people who use their fingers as guns when they’re saying ‘hello’ to you. You know the guy. He walks up in his Members’ Only jacket, large hair, and toothy grin and says “There’s my guy! Hey buddy!”, then proceeds to give the finger shoot…’Bang Bang’!

I wish those fingers were loaded, and you would turn them on yourself. But, unfortunately, those fingers, like you, would probably shoot blanks. Instead, pack your bags, head on down to the airport, make sure to turn in your ‘weapons’ to the security guards, and fly far, far away.

-Y2

Two more candidates.

2005-11-29T23:06:00.000-05:00

Looks like I've found two more folks who've made the 'Go Away' list. So help me in saying 'Bye Bye' to:

1. Yoko Ono
Where did she come from? Why won’t she go back? Yoko just seemed to appear out of the blue, hanging around the Beatles. Who knew that she would be the one to destroy them? It’s almost like a cold sore on your lip ending your life. After she did her number on one the greatest rock and roll bands ever, she then guided John Lennon to make some of the most retarded recordings in history. I’m sorry, but screeching isn’t singing.

As if that isn’t enough, she’s also a vocal activist for world peace. Sheesh. What a wide open cause to root for. Why don’t you just be an activist for no more bad things to happen on the planet in every way shape or form? You know what, Yoko? The only way all of those world unity rallies you’re holding would be successful is if everyone in the world united to get you to pack your bags, and go back to whatever planet you came from.

2. Barbara Streisand
You suck! End of story...

-Y2

Make like a tree and get outta here!

2005-11-28T23:23:00.000-05:00

Certain people piss me off to no end. You know the type. These are people that bring nothing to the table of humanity other than to annoy and bewilder us. Now it’s human nature for us to want to kill them, but I’m not that spiteful. I would just rather they’d go away. That’s all I’m asking for. I’d like to see them pack their bags and never be heard from again.

This isn’t just limited to people either. There are a bunch of annoying things I wish would disappear. Hopefully, if I can make you folks aware of these people and things, maybe we can make them go away for good. So now, I’d like to present a new segment in the ‘Scribblings’ called the ‘Go Away List’. I now present our first candidate to leave us...

Oprah Winfrey:
General Mao, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, Oprah Winfrey. Don’t think Oprah’s name belongs in that list? Think again. Just like the others in that list, Oprah has a large, faithful following of supporters. Just like the others in that list, Oprah has limitless resources available to her whim. Just like the others, Oprah has the potential to torture the masses.

Don’t let the energetic entrances on her TV show, the car giveaways, the book-of-the-month club, or even the endless parade of celebrities crying on her couch fool you. She’s up to no good.

So why is she on the “Go Away” list? It comes down to two factors. Factor #1: She’s annoying. Her army of followers chanting, “You go girl!” makes every heterosexual, and even some bi- and homosexual men go sterile. Factor #2: Time magazine has named her on of the most powerful woman in the world. If you take those two factors and put them together, you get someone that has the capability to get on your nerves every waking and most sleeping, if she invades your dreams, second of the day. If you ask me, that’s just a recipe for disaster.

So Oprah, do us all a favor, take all of the money you have, buy your own planet, and move there…permanently!

-Y2

Are you threatening me?

2005-11-27T22:07:00.000-05:00

I appreciate a good threat. The more creative, the better. Whether you want to kick someone's ass, just beat them up, or however you want to lay your vengeance upon someone, it's good to get a good clever threat out to your adversary. Even if you don't plan on following through on it, you can get a good laugh out of it.

For example, I was talking to a friend of mine today and, as most guys do, we were talking trash to each other. I told him I thought his sister was cute. He told me that I doesn't have a sister. So I said that his brother had better grow a moustache so I'd know better next time. He replied that he'd put his foot so far up my ass, that we'd be walking home together.

I know that it's an old threat, but it's a classic. I like hearing it every now again. Speaking of hearing threats, here's a list of good threats I've heard over the years:

1. I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry.
2. I'll hit you with so many lefts, you'll be begging me for a right.
3. I'll kick bloody chiclets down your throat.
4. I'll punch you so far back in time, when you wake up, your clothes will be out of style.
5. I'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwhich.
6. I'm gonna rip your arm off and beat you with it.
7. I'll slap the taste out of your mouth.
8. I'll beat you to sleep.
9. I'm gonna knock your lungs loose.
10. It's only gonna take two hits: me hitting you, and you hitting the floor.

If you've heard any good threats, please leave it in the comment section. If they're really good, they'll be used for an edition of El Presidente`.

-Y2

A Scratch Behind the Ears

2005-11-05T00:16:00.000-05:00

It is a sad time around the household. My roommate's 16 year old (calendar years) dog, Benny is gonna have to be put down tomorrow. Although he's not really my dog, I've grown pretty attached to him. I consider him like a nephew to me, well that was until he got neutered. Now he's one of my favorite nieces. All jokes aside, he was a good pet and a great member of the family. He will sorely be missed.

Sit. Stay. Rest in peace...good boy!

Happy Halloween!

2005-10-31T22:59:00.000-05:00

TWO? Only two trick-or-treaters showed up to my door?!

Now it looks like it's up to me to eat all of that leftover candy. Oh well, if I end up in a diabetic coma, it was for the kids.

The Wonder of it All

2005-10-27T22:07:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder...

If you're at a Catholic church and they drop the communion bread on the ground, do you have to call the cops and draw a chalk outline around it? It is the body of Christ, and he is dead after all.

When rap artists write their song titles such as "In Da House" or "Thuggin' Fo Eva" on Microsoft Word, does it drive their spell checker crazy?

If dogs can smell fear in others and smell poop on the ground, how do they know the difference?

Why is it so funny when little people run?

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to witness it, can I move into the mobile home it fell on for free?

Why can't strippers keep a tip jar on the stage? They don't have pockets to hold the money.

Why isn't belching the alphabet isn't a marketable skill on my resume? It's not something everyone can do, and that's what set me apart from the rest of the applicants.

(All you credence Clearwater Revival fans sing this part with me.)
And I wonder, still I wonder who'll stop the rain...
...and if someone can do that, will they use their powers for good or evil?

Why aren't there any dinosaurs in the bible? That would have made the Noah and the Arc story so much more exciting.

If cats have nine lives, does the vet have to put them to sleep nine times?

If blind folks senses compensate and heighten for their lack of site, they should be the first one to know if someone farted.

Booya!

2005-10-26T23:24:00.000-04:00

'Nuff said.

Howard Walters?!

2005-10-25T22:39:00.000-04:00

Today's forecast calls for cold, rainy, and generally suckass.

Momma said there'd be days like this. Actually, she never said anything like that. She usually said, "Go run down to the store and pick me up a box of wine." At least she drank wine. What a classy lady.

Now, I don't know if it was the wine talking but she always knew how to comfort me. One time my older brother was teasing my by saying I was adopted. That upset me, so I asked her if I was. She sat me down and told me I wasn't really adopted. Instead, they just found me on the side of the road with a note pinned to my chest saying that I was the abandoned love child of Howard Cosell and Barbara Walters. I'm serious about this! You can't make drunk rambling like this up. Now if that were the truth, I'd look a little something like this. Thankfully that's not true, because nobody this handsome could be their child.

Thanks mom, you really knew how to put a kid's fears and insecurities to rest as he cries himself to sleep every night.

Cleanup on Aisle 5!

2005-10-23T22:28:00.000-04:00

I love the grocery store. You can usually find me prancing behind a shopping cart once a week. Yeah, I prance in the grocery store. Why not? Now that I’m an adult and I have a steady job, I can get whatever I want. I don’t have to beg a parent to get me a giant bag of chips that I’ll probably nibble on for a minute and throw away later. I don’t have to justify any purchases anymore! I’m a grown man, and if I want to buy that Silly Putty in the toy section, I can do that! God, It’s so liberating.

The breakfast cereal aisle is my absolute favorite section of the grocery store. I usually get the most sugar loaded brand of cereal I can find. Take ‘Cookie Crisp’ for example. It’s nothing but a box of miniature chocolate chip cookies. How much more decadent can you get? Why don’t they just make a children’s cereal made out of chocolate bars, pop rocks, and jawbreakers? Better yet, make one for adults with Jack Daniel’s, coffee, and cigarettes?

Sometimes I’ll get a box of cereal just for the toy inside. I don’t care that I don’t even want the family sized Wheaties. They’re giving away wrist-held Batsignal and I need it! Why do I need it? Well, I can’t look like a totally cool superhero without it. DUH!

-B

Goin' my way?

2005-10-04T00:15:00.000-04:00

As I was driving around last night, looking for my bible study class (yeah, right), I saw a couple of deer on the side of the road. They were so cute, and probably delicious, but that's besides the point.

As they started to step foot into the road all of the other cars started flashing their high beams and honking their horns, and that made me sad. After all, all those deer wanted was a ride and those poor creatures had no thumbs to hitchhike with.

People can be so cruel.

I'm not a doctor, but I play one in real life.

2005-09-28T00:07:00.000-04:00

It’s funny how life altering revelations can get dropped in your lap sometimes. As I was eating supper, I think I found my calling in life tonight.

I was cutting into my steak and I noticed I was making some really precise and beautiful cuts. Maybe it was skill, or maybe it was all of these years of being a fat-ass who likes to eat fatty red meat. Either way, my knife work was excellent. Then it hit me, maybe I was born to be a surgeon.

Now, I know it takes more than just tearing into a T-bone to become a licensed doctor. It’ll take me months to get a degree from a highly regarded Tijuana medical school. I also know that there are plenty of other aspects of being a doctor I need to fully grasp. For example, I need to work on my bedside manner. I have a nasty habit of telling people who are hurt to ‘rub some dirt on it and walk it off’.

I also need to learn about prescribing the right medicine instead of giving people Tic-Tac’s. Sure, the pain wouldn’t go away, but their breath would be minty fresh. Actually, that’s how you could tell who my patients were. They’d be the ones constantly moaning in pain, but would smell terrific.

You know, the real reason I was good at cutting the meat (as well as the cheese, but that’s another story) is because I was also using a fork and I’m not sure that would fly too far in the operating room. My surgeries would go down the tubes because of it, “Nurse, pass me the scalpel. Now the clamps. Now the salad fork. What do you mean we don’t have a salad fork?! What kind of rinky-dink hospital is this anyway?!”

Oh well, maybe I should just stick to playing doctor with my girlfriend. At least I don’t have to worry about being slapped with a malpractice suit with her. But then again, I do take the game very seriously. I pay attention to every detail like wearing the lab coat, using the stethoscope, and making sure my interns take precise notes. She gets creeped out by having a bunch of medical school students in the bedroom, but how else are they going to learn?

-B

Returns, excuses, and storms.

2005-09-22T23:51:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the long lapse in posts. I'd like to give you all a good reason why I haven't been on the ball, but I don't have one. What I do have, however, is a bunch of totally unrelated excuses that won't explain my actions, but should draw your attention away from my laziness:

1. I didn't mean to blow you off, but my world domination plans have thickened.
2. My dog ate my posts, and by 'my dog' I mean 'me' and by 'ate my posts' I mean 'sat on the couch and stuffed my face with cheetos all night'.
3. It was the Germans.
4. How can I post with the state of global economics and unilateral affairs are in the state they're in?
5. They don't make the internet like they used to.
6. The virgin sacrifices took way longer than I expected.
7. The man on the TV told me to stay tuned. I didn't want to let him down.
8. My stigmata was acting up.
9. Time travel accident.
10. Remember that movie with the little kid and the alien and the flying bikes? Same thing happened to me.

Now with that out of the way, I can tackle a pressing issue, Hurricane Katrina. Ok, it was pressing a few weeks ago, but now that I've had time to digest most of it, I think I'm ready to comment. First off, for those of you who don't know, my family and friends down in Louisiana are ok. Houma was spared for the most part. Also, to those of you who asked about my family and showed me the utmost concern and compassion, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

For a while I was pretty nervous. After the storm hit I didn't get in touch with my family for about a week. I did get word that my parents left town and went to Houston. I wasn't worried too much about them leaving town. It was my oldest brother that I was worried about. I wasn't sure if he evacuated or not. In the back of my mind I could picture him half-naked in his driveway, with empty beer cans strewn about the yard, and screaming at God to "come and get you some of this, big boy!" Sure, that scenario seems a little silly, but for those of you who have met my brother, you all know that it isn't too far-fetched.

It's so very sad that the region got nailed the way it did. But then again, that's just the way nature plays the game. I feel bad for the folks who have lost so much and hopefully they'll find the courage to move through this. I can see both sides of the coin for the people who evacuated and the people who stayed put.

For the folks who left, regardless of how early or late they decided to take off, I understand them being concerned with their safety and the uncertainty of not knowing what they would come home to, if they even had a home to come back to at all. It's got to be tough when you're packing your things and you begin to think that there is a chance that these may be your only possessions after all of this is through.

For the folks who stayed put, I understand as well. To those of you say, "Well anyone who stayed deserved what they got", I say this, "Shut your lips!" Nobody, and I mean NOBODY deserves to lose their possessions, their homes, their family, their friends, or their lives. So the next time you hear anyone say that, call them on their ignorance, or if you yourself are thinking about saying that, hold that thought and let it be the stillborn idea it was meant to be.

Not everyone had the means or resources it took to leave town. Not everyone even knew how to leave. It's not something they teach us in school. There are no "Reading, Writing, and Running Like Hell" lesson plans in the curriculum. Once again, for whatever reason people stayed behind, NOBODY deserved this.

Now that I'm nice and spun up, I'd like to ask CNN and Fox News for a favor: Guys, I'm pleading with you, stop showing us just the sensational and negative sides of the story. We just want the facts, nothing more, nothing less. I don't want to see fifty reporters on the street getting tossed about in the wind. You can just tell me that it's windy. I'll believe you. It doesn't take getting clobbered by a flying mailbox to convince me. I'm really not that dense, regardless of what my friends have told you.

Also, there is much more news going on that just looting. Tell me the coordinates of the storm. Tell me how the levees are holding up. Tell me which shelters are open. Tell what roads are closed. We're not asking for much, except for news. Oh wait, I forgot that I was asking a news channel for all of this, I won't get none of that. Let's just watch another three hours of folks running about with bags in waist deep water.

While I've brought up looting, here's my take on it. I think it all comes down to someone's intention when it comes to taking things. 'Oh my goodness, are you condoning theft?' Well, sort of. If things are so bad where you don't have the resources to survive, then, by all means, go and get what you need live. You can always ask for forgiveness later. Now, if you've got your eyes on a kickass big-screen TV and are just waiting for the right natural disaster to go and get that bad boy, I say 'no'. I understand it's tempting. I think the same thoughts. Although I'm in Maryland, where we've got no natural disasters on tap, I'm still wishing for a giant 100 foot mutant bug to come rampage through my city so I can knockout my Christmas list at the local Best Buy. I'm saying this now, but I'm pretty sure if Mothra decided to hit town I'd go stock up on bug spray first before I stroll through video games section. Although, when the new version of Madden NFL Football comes out, I might make an exception.

Now most of you who know me know that I don't like talking politics. I don't care if you vote Democrat, Republican, Independent, Libertarian, Green Party, Mars Delegation, Purple Lizard People for a United Venus, or whatever. It's just not my thing. I have my thoughts and beliefs, and you have yours, and I like to leave it at that. But I will say this. Everyone who is trying to find out whose fault it is for the slow response time, or the distribution of resources, or the movement of the evacuees in the shelters, please shut up for a minute. Now is not the time to point fingers. Now is the time to clean up, pick each other up, help each other out, give to charities, and just try to fix the mess before any of us decides who did what to who. Right now, the only thing that can be blamed for Hurricane Katrina is Hurricane Katrina. And I'll tell you what, the hurricane doesn't give a damn if you hate it or not. I've cursed at many a storm and guess what, it didn't stop them one bit.

While I've been putting all of this together, I'm watching Hurricane Rita romping through the Gulf of Mexico. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who is and going to be affected by this one. I hope everyone who decided to leave got out safe, and I hope everyone who decided to stay batons down the hatches and makes it through alright.

Thanks for being so patient with me. Your support is appreciated.
-B

By the way, I'm trying new bells and whistles with the blog. Let me know what you think and if you have any tips, tricks, or suggestions you'd like to throw my way, drop a comment.

I'm wearing my Foghat to the opera.

2005-08-22T21:14:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, my friends and I were sitting around having a few beers and shooting the breeze. We brought up the usual topics: midgets, porn, and Tijuana donkey shows. You know, if you think about it, the Tijuana donkey shows could fit into the midgets AND porn category. That's a piece of knowledge you'll never run across in a game of Trivial Pursuit.

Anyway, the radio was on a classic rock station and we were all jamming until one of my buddies popped up and said, "What band?" As soon as he said that, we all fell silent. It was as if you would have given a family of apes a calculus book. Blank stares all around. Then my buddy said, "C'mon, it's Foghat off of their 1975 album, Fool for the City...DUUUHHH!!!" This is when I promptly socked him in the arm.

Now I don't know about you, but I've always hated those goobers who feel it's their duty to quiz you on old songs. It makes it hard to jam out to some old tunes with some assclown over your shoulder going, "What band? What album? What year? What record label? Who was the first lead singer? Who was the third triangle player after they went to progressive rock?" SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!

You don't see people doing this stuff over opera. "What composer? Who's the tenor? Who is his understudy? Who was the fifth fat lady to audition for this part? What's her bra size?"

-B

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/022ElP.jpg

Can I get you anything, sir?

2005-08-16T19:43:00.000-04:00

My girlfriend and I went out to dinner the other night. No, it wasn't the type of place where they ask if I'd like to 'supersize' anything. I guess that's because she chose the restaurant. Although, I would have bought her the hot apple pie. I like to pamper my baby.

As we went through ordering everything, our waiter, Brad, seemed to be really excited over everything we wanted. He'd ask us what we wanted to drink, then he'd freak out and go, "Excellent choice!" When we ordered the appetizer, he did it again, "Fabulous! This is really good!" As we went through the rest of menu, he just kept on doing it, and it was starting to make me feel like he wasn't being sincere. When my girlfriend asked for another glass of water he said, "Ooooh, good call ma'am!" That's when I knew he was just kissing our asses for a good tip.

I hate it when waiters try to schmooze you after you make a menu choice just to get an extra few bucks. It makes me feel like a retarded kid who just gave his parents the 37th piece of macaroni art but they don't want to tell him that they're sick of his terrible pasta creations so they just say things like "Oooh, Corky, that's sooooo good. You're so special!"

And another thing, it doesn't matter what you order, they're gonna say that patronizing crap anyway. I could have ordered a turd on a cracker and Brad would've gushed over my choice of cuisine by saying, "Tremendous choice, sir. I just had that last week." Well Brad, wipe the crap outta your teeth and get me another round of drinks, you're gonna have to find another way to hustle these last few bones outta my pocket.

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/021ElP.jpg

Thank ya. Thank ya vera much...

2005-08-10T23:58:00.000-04:00

Did I mention I'm glad to be done with the ass story? Just checking.

I know this is a week late, but I'd like to personally thank everyone who came out to our show at the DC Improv last Thursday. It was good to see all of you. I hope we put on a good show for you and I hope you had as much fun watching it as we did doing it. Thanks, again, for supporting live comedy and I hope we can do it again really soon.

Oh, and I'd like to give a special 'thanks' to my crazy cheering section..."Hey Bart! Nice shirt!" You guys are nuts...and I like it.

-B

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/020ElP.jpg

By the way, there is another DICSC show on the 24th of August at the DC Improv. I won't be in it, but won't you stop by and check it out? The shows are always funny and it will be loaded with a very talented cast.

While I'm making plugs, if you're in the Centreville, VA area on August 12th or 13th go to Lafterhours and see my mentor and role model Matt Kazam. He's a great comedian and good person. Look for details at http://www.lafterhours.com/

Chapter 5...The Conclusion...finally!

2005-08-09T21:58:00.000-04:00

Ok, it's time for chapter 5...for my Latin friends, it's chapter cinco. For my friends in Joliet, Illinois...well, I don't have any friends from there. If you happen to be from Joliet, hi there! Would you like to be my friend? (You probably won't after reading this blog.) Here we go...

I got an appointment with a surgeon and went in to see him. He was a very nice guy. He only punched me in the nose once! What a sweetheart. Anyway, after we got my nose to stop bleeding, he examined my butt and scheduled me down for surgery. Yeah, THAT kind of surgery. The kind where they admit you in a hospital and put you out. I bet my butt's ego was feeling pretty good. After all, it had been getting tons of attention.

A week later I went on down to the hospital. I've got to admit I was a little scared. Regardless of how minor the surgery is, there is still a chance of dying when they put you out and I started getting ready for my death, just in case. I had it all planned out too. I was going to have midget Elvis impersonators, a dancing monkey show...ok, that's as far as I planned it. I still wasn't sure on what I wanted done to my body. I either wanted to have my crotch cremated and sprinkled over the Virgin Islands, or have my body wrapped in Saran Wrap and let my friends do things like hit me with a baseball bat and shoot me out of a cannon.

Regardless of how far I had planned, it was time to go under the knife. They rolled my bed into the operating room and placed a mask on my face. The attendant told me the mask was for oxygen and I was cool with that. Then the smell of the mask changed. I asked if it was the gas, but all I could get out was, "Hey, you tricked me. You dirty motherblaamuuuffffff..." Off to sleep I went.

I didn't have any visions of going through a tunnel or seeing a white light when I was under, so I guess things went smoothly. When I woke up, I was really loopy and my butt hurt. Unlike other punchlines to most jokes I've heard and told, this was supposed to happen.

The recovery period over the next few weeks was a pain in the butt. Seriously, it was. After the swelling went down, which was hard to tell because of my fat ass, I took a look at the damage. Not only did they remove the cyst, but they gave me a boob job too! Ok, I'm kidding, the boobs were there before the surgery.

Just about a month ago, I finally got the stitches out and I was given a clean, bill of health. All I've got to show for it now is a huge scar that makes my ass look like it's got gills, and a few doctor bills to pay. This will definitley put my professional mooning career on hold for about a year. You know, at least they could have gave me a T-shirt that says, "If you think my face is ugly, you should see my ass!", and a lollipop for all of this. Oh well, at least it feels good to sit down again.

Thanks for bearing with this long story. Now we can get back to the business of funny thoughts and dangerous ideas again. Thanks, again, for playing along...

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/019ElP.jpg

Chapter 4...I don't feel like putting a title here.

2005-07-26T21:51:00.000-04:00

Once again, I know it seems like I'm rushing through this. Well, I won't deny that I am. It just gets to be a pain thinking, "What am I going to write about my ass this time?". What a silly thing to think about...

So let's all flash forward a few months from the last entry. It was during good times. I just celebrated my birthday (the 14th one in a row) and just switched jobs. I was happy, I was feeling good, I was OWWW...what the hell was that? Once again my old friend, the lump, decided to rear it's ugly head. Well, I'm not sure it had a head, but it had a voice, and it decided to talk.

"Hellooooooo.", it said in a creepy voice.
I didn't answer.
"Hellooooooo?", it said again.
I still didn't respond.
Then it said, "If you won't answer me, I'll just have to hurt you." And hurt me, it did.

For the next few days a mean pain arose. Sitting and even laying down became uncomfortable and painful. That really upset me, because those were two things I was really good at.

As time passed, I decided to examine the area. Imagine my surprise when I looked to find that I was growing a tail! Normally growing a tail would be a good thing. It's a sign of evolution, after all. But this tail sucked! It wasn't even a cool prehensile tail. At least with one of those, I could put it to good use by having another appendage to feed myself with.

Enough was enough and it was finally time to get this taken care of. I was tired of my lump controlling me. Heck, it even made me watch late night Cinemax dirty movies, and I hate doing that...yeah, right. After a full day of calling doctors' offices with no luck, I decided I had to go to the emergency room. What an adventure that was. Just when I thought that Wal-Mart shoppers were on the lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder, the emergency room patrons found a new way to set the deficient chromosome standard. If you happen to be a Wal-Mart shopper who is checking this out, don't feel bad. I typed this part really slow so you can read this.

This emergency ward was something special. There were folks laid out all over the floors just bleeding, passing out, and smoking all over the place. I guess the cigarettes takes the edge off the pain of a sucking chest wound.

After a few hours, my number was finally called. I went into the room and prepared to take my lumps, or in this case, get my lump taken out. The physician laid me on the table and told me to relax. At least one of us was, because I hear her mutter under her breath, "Oh my God." I don't know if it was the sight of my classically sculpted ass (once again...yeah, right), or the giant lump winking at her that freaked her out (by this time it had grown a set of eyes).

I'll give her credit though, she was a trooper. In a matter of minutes she had me numbed, lanced, and drained. (I thought I'd spare you the gory details.) One prescription of percocets and a surgeon's referral later I was on my way again, feeling relieved for just a few more days...

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/018ElP.jpg

Chapter Three...Pain for a good cause.

2005-07-25T21:54:00.000-04:00

I really want to get this story done. There are so many more interesting things going on in the world and I'm pretty sure you'd rather read about them than listen to me ramble on about my ass. So if it seems like I'm cutting a few corners, you'll know why. On with the show...

It was tough calling the doctor's office for me because I knew they were going to ask why I wanted to come in, and I didn't know how to tell them I was afraid of my ass. I guess I just wasn't well versed in the technical terminology. I'm sorry if I didn't know how to say 'ass lump' in Latin. So, I just lied and said that I needed a physical.

When I showed up for my appointment, I kind of felt sorry for the doctor. She was probably thinking that she was going to just slap a stethoscope on my chest and let me be on my way. Instead, I was coming with an ugly surprise.

As a sidenote, I chose a female doctor, because women generally have small, soft hands, and I didn't want a guy with some giant, rock crushing mitts anywhere near my butt. (Yes, I actually put that much thought into it.)

After the song and dance of getting my blood pressure and pulse taken, I sprung the lump on my doctor. And when I say 'sprung' I mean I barely whispered, "I think there's something wrong with my butt." Hey, you never know if someone else was listening. Either way, she said, "Ok then. Let's take a look", and made me drop my pants. Ok, she didn't MAKE me do it. It's just that I've never passed a chance to moon someone.

Well, when I mooned her, she gave me the most shocking and painful goose of my entire life. I guess that was her payback for surprising her with an ass lump. After a bit of prodding she wanted me to go get some X-rays done.

Flash forward to a few hours later and I'm in a radiology office. At this point my dignity is sky high. Why wouldn't it be? I'm a paper robe and socks, I'm still stinging from the goosing, and I'm still not sure what this lump is. Just to make things a little worse, the X-ray tech was in a bad mood. I tried to cheer her up by telling her that things could have been worse. SHE could have been walking around with an ass lump. She replied, "I wish I had one." Ok, I made that part up.

Then she thumbed me in the eye and pushed me onto the table...ok, I made that part up too.

After the X-ray process came the most nerve-racking few minutes of my life. The information had to be sent to the doc's office and then they had to call back and tell me what it was. Those five minutes wreaked havoc on me. The whole time my mind was just churning crazy thoughts. "What if it's cancer? What will I do? What if I have to have chemotherapy? Will I look good bald? I wonder if a lot of folks will show up to my funeral? I wonder if they'll let me rent midgets to entertain folks at my burial..." I know those are morbid and weird thoughts, but that's what actually went through my head.

Then the phone rang. My heart skipped a beat.

"Sir, good news. It's not a tumor" (visions of Arnold Schwarzenegger screaming at five year olds danced in my head)

Relief came over me. No, not THAT kind of relief. I haven't peed on myself in years...two, to be exact. I was so happy that I sprinted and slid down the freshly waxed hallways of the office in my paper gown and socks. The moody X-ray tech yelled at me for that, but I didn't care. My ass lump wasn't trying to kill me, and that's all I cared about. So I got dressed, thanked everyone and went on about my way...for a few months.

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/017ElP.jpg

p.s. I got into another show at the DC Improv. It's on Thursday, August 4th at 8:30 p.m. So, if you'd like to see me and some very funny and talented folks for a night of live, totally improvised comedy, log onto www.dcimprov.com and purchase your tickets. Buy them early because the show will sell out. Hope to see you all there!

Chapter Two...Taking My Lumps

2005-07-14T21:24:00.000-04:00

When we last left off I was ignoring the warning signs that my body was giving me. I’ve never been one to heed warning signs anyway. I’m the type of guy who would eat Pop Rocks and drink Coke even though I know that is one of the deadliest combinations known to man. I know it’s true because I read it on the internet.

So I was living relatively pain free, unless you count watching a few episodes of American Idol, until one day I was sitting on the floor of my apartment organizing my CD’s by alphabetical order by artist, then by year, then by how many tracks were on the CD…I’m anal that way. I rolled onto my back to reach for some CD’s and it hit me again. This time the pain was so intense I actually talked to Elvis. What a weird conversation that was. It went a little something like this…

Elvis said, “Hey there buddy. If ya pass me that chocolate donut and a bottle of Formula 44D, I’ll buy you a Cadillac.”

I replied, “OOOOWWWWWWW!!! MY ASS IS KILLING ME!!!”

Elvis then said, “Thankyaveramuch.”

I told you it was weird. After Elvis left the building, I went to the bathroom and finally mustered up the courage to check my butt. I wasn’t embarrassed this time. After all, searing pain tends to make a person forget modesty. Also, I was alone at my place and I’ve done far more embarrassing things there by myself. (Hey, that inflatable doll wasn’t mine. Someone left it there.)

It was the moment of truth, or some cliché like that. I felt around down there and my world stopped spinning. I felt a lump. I’ll say it again so it really hits home. I…felt…a…lump.

For the third time in my life I was scared. The first time was when I was a little kid and went to go see the movie “E.T.” (that toad faced critter messed me up good), the second time was when I had to face the fact that my Grandma June was sick and dying (I don’t think I’ll ever get over that), and this third time was definitely a charm.

The next few days were a morbid haze. My thoughts were consumed with this little lumpy menace sitting on my tailbone harassing me. Sometimes it felt like this monster was controlling me by throwing itself into conversations. When folks would say ‘hi’ I’d reply with, “Have a nice lump…I mean ‘day’.”

After a few more days of self-torture I finally decided to call the doctor. And in I went…

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/016ElP.jpg

Episode One...The Phantom Menace.

2005-06-30T23:13:00.000-04:00

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...ok, maybe it was Uranus.

Ok, that was corny. But I figured since this is an ass crack story, I could take a crack about ass.

I guess the best way to start this story would be at the beginning. That's where most things start, unless they're some silly Quentin Tarantino movie, then I have no clue where the beginning, middle, or end is. I just know that the 'F' word is used a lot.

It all started a few months back. Life was really good then. I had a job where I could cool my heels for 8 hours a day, I was moving out of my crappy apartment, and my very first stand-up show was coming up. Things were really good...or so it seemed.

One day I was at my girlfriend's place, playing the airplane game on the floor with her son, Alex. He loves the airplane game, but he always insists on being in first-class, then starts ordering too many free beers, gets belligerent with the stewardesses and gets arrested. I've had to bail him out of jail too many times.

What?! How do you play airplane?

Anyway, I digress. During his 2nd six pack of Budweisers, I rolled onto my tailbone to lift him up and I felt the hardest, sharpest pain I have ever felt in my entire life roll up my back straight out of my eyeballs. It was the kind of pain that Stedman feels when he wakes up next to Oprah everyday. Well, I immediately put Alex down, and by put down I mean I ever so gently dropped him on his head then ran to the bathroom.

As I splashed cold water on my face to get my bearings, a bunch of questions went through my head. Questions like, "What in the blue hell was that?!" and "Did I break something?" and "Why did they ever cancel the Golden Girls?". I guess pain like that makes you think weird things. It was at that point where I decided I had to find out what was going on down there. So I dropped my pants and tried to muster up the courage to check things out. Maybe it was the fear of actually finding something or just the embarrassment of me sticking my hand in my butt crack that stopped me from looking. Let's face it, a grown man putting his hand in his own crack when there isn't a bar bet on the line is a freaky sight. So I stopped, pulled my pants up, and said to myself that it's probably nothing...just like a proud, brave, and stupid macho dummy should.

I went on like nothing happened that night and for the next few days, things felt fine. Life was good again, for the time being...

To be continued...

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/015ElP.jpg

Prologue...

2005-06-28T22:25:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have been a little tough. But don't cry for me. It's not very becoming and the other kids will make fun of you.

I know I haven't been posting regularly lately. But then again, nothing has been regular that much these days. It's because I had a procedure done last week. I'm sure it was surgery, but the doctor insists it was a procedure. "Where was this procedure?", you ask. It was on the most dignified of places on the human anatomy...my ass crack. I'm not sure if 'ass crack' is the proper technical terminology, but that's what I'm going with.

During the next several posts, I'll be telling you all the story of me and my ass crack. We'll share some laughs, some tears, and maybe learn a thing or two along the way. And what I mean by that last sentence is that you will all laugh at me, I'll get my feelings hurt and cry, then learn never to tell you guys personal things like this again.

Stay tuned...

-B

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/014ElP.jpg

Our prices are INSANE!!!

2005-06-27T21:27:00.000-04:00

As I'm sitting here, watching TV, I'm starting to notice something. I watch too much late night Cinemax.

But in between nudie shows, I flip throught the local channels. And with local channels, come local commercials. No matter where you go in the country they're all the same. Whether it's a used car dealer dancing around screaming at you to come on down because his deals are insane, or some electronics sales guy telling you he HAS to sell you that TV because he's lost his mind, they never change.

When did it become good business to be crazy? And when did we all think it was a good idea to buy goods off of these folks?

On one hand I should feel guilty for taking advantage of folks who are mentally sick for the sake of saving a few bucks. Or maybe, I should feel a bit wary because one of these dudes may actually snap in the middle of a sale if I put too much pressure on him. Let's face it, the last thing I want is to catch a bullet in the face when I broker a deal on a toaster oven.

...I hardly even eat toast.

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/013ElP.jpg

5,7,5...and those aren't your Lucky Lotto numbers.

2005-06-23T23:07:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling a bit artistic today, and the fumes from huffing that gasoline haven't worn off yet. So today, I give you all a dose of...

"Stupidity Induced Haikus"

Something isn't right.
Is that lipstick I detect?
Not my coffee mug.
-------------------------

How could you do that?!
The pool water is now warm...
Oh well, I did too.
--------------------------

Halt you! Who goes there?
Don't make me blow my whistle.
Mall security.
--------------------------

I sit here alone.
There is no justice for me.
No toilet paper.
--------------------------

Was he on TV?
Wait, he's no celebrity.
It's just Hasselhoff.
--------------------------

Don't you all feel cultured now? I know I do.

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/012ElP.jpg

So many distractions...but they're all so good.

2005-06-17T22:05:00.000-04:00

So me and my girlfriend are sitting here right now just thinking about something to write, but I don't know if I'll get any of it done. I've got to tell you, it's hard to type with someone else's hand down your pants.

Ooooh, I'm gonna need a minute, or maybe an hour, or maybe just the rest of the evening.

Good night everyone!

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/011ElP.jpg

Big bucks. No Whammy!

2005-06-16T22:12:00.000-04:00

Bob Eubanks, Chuck Woolery, Wink Martindale, Richard Dawson, Gene Rayburn, Chuck Barris.

These were the guys I grew to love when I was growing up. It was guys like this that made game shows fun. I used to love to hear Bob Eubanks ask people about their "whoopi" practices, watch Chuck Woolery crawl all over the couch when he asked folks how the date went and telling us he'd see us in "two and two", and see Richard Dawson molest innocent women right in front of their husbands and families. Game shows were fun and somewhat innocent then, and the hosts were happy folks with big toothy grins and perfect hair.

But if you turn on the TV today, forget it. It's all gone. No more giant, colorful sets or studios full of happy audience members. Today its all about how dramatic we can get the mood or how far we can push the contestants. Between shows like 'Fear Factor', 'Dog Eat Dog', and 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?', it seems like its not fun to be on a game show anymore. And it's only getting worse...

Pretty soon instead of shows making you eat marsupial testicles (which are pretty good by the way) or having you climbing up tall buildings hanging on by a flimsy harness, the host will just walk up to you in your home, ask your name for the tv cameras, shoot you in the face with a pistol, and give your widow a wad of cash.

...and as much as I hate to say it, I'd watch that show.

-B

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/010ElP.jpg

I'm all 'geeked' up.

2005-06-16T01:43:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the long delay gang. More computer problems. But I can't blame it all on the computer. The glitches would have been if I were a smart enough human to take care of them. I was going to give the 'Geeks on Call' a holler but I ended up calling 'Dweebs on Call'. A bunch of guys looking like Steve Urkel showed up at my house, ate all my cheese, and then left. I didn't realize there was such a difference between a geek and a dweeb.

Anyway, it looks like El Presidente` will be back up and running tomorrow.

Viva Los Something!!!

-B

I've got something on my radar...

2005-06-06T23:20:00.000-04:00

As I’m looking out the window, seeing this thunderstorm roll through, I'm sure the local weathermen are pretty pleased with themselves. They’re probably popping the corks on a few cases of champagne because they finally got a forecast right. This means that they’re off the hook for another five years.

With our meteorologists' track record the way it is, why don't we just give up on them and start looking out the window to see what the weather is like? You would think that they would get a forecast or two right once in a while with all of those Doppler radar systems they have. I bet that they probably don’t even use them for the weather. More than likely, they bought them for the same reason most people buy SUV’s…just to show them off and try to impress the neighbors.

I can just see it now at the local weatherman bar, or wherever they hang out, to talk about cirrus clouds and stuff…

Channel 4 guy Bill Sprinkle: You know, we just got that Super Doppler 2000 system in. It’s really quite an effective system.

Channel 7 weatherguy Stormy Raines: Oh yeah? Well we just installed the Super MEGA Doppler 10000.

Bill: Well, ours can show us where the weather is heading up to the minute.

Stormy: Ours can show us up to the second.

Bill: Well ours can show the severity of the storms by color!

Stormy: Ours is done by smell!

Bill: Ours is in 3-D!!!

Stormy: Ours can actually bring the storm to your living room by raining through your TV set and sending bolts of lightning at your couch.

Bill: LIAR!

Stormy: AM NOT!

Bill: ARE TOO!

Stormy: AM NOT!

Bill: TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO…

Stormy: NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT…

Then a girly slapfight would break out with the two making sure they don't mess up their hair, because that’s how I imagine weatherguys fight. All the while the sports reporters would be cheering them on and high-fiving each other in the bar. Off in the corner the guy who usually does the Adopt-A-Pet segments on Sunday mornings would be calling play by play because that's the only practice at reporting he can get hoping that, one day, they may call him up to the big show on weeknights at 11.

But he's just wasting his breath, because they'll never call him up. Just when he thinks he'll get a shot at the big desk with the really comfortable seats, the station will hire some new smooth talking anchorman with a baratone voice, great smile, and god-like hair. It won't seem fair to our Adopt-A-Pet fellow because he figures he knows this city far better and loves his community much more than the new 'Golden Boy'. Alas, he will accept that he will never get a break then drink a fifth of cheap Boone's Farm wine, climb atop of the massive Super MEGA Doppler 10000 radar and plunge to his death.

When you think about it, all of this tragedy happened just because we wanted to see if it was raining and all we had to do was look out of the window.

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/009ElP.jpg

Another year older, another year dumber.

2005-06-05T23:20:00.000-04:00

Wow, what a hangover.

Nothing says, "Happy birthday" like a headache and the dry heaves. I'm not sure I can take the aftermath of getting loaded anymore. But just to be sure, I'll try it again next weekend. I know it sounds like I'm a glutton for punishment but, believe me, I'm just trying to be thorough to make sure that I can take it.

Either way, it was still a good birthday. It feels good to be 25 again and I'm looking forward to turning 25 again next year.

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/008ElP.jpg

Hey look! I can do political comedy too!

2005-06-01T21:24:00.000-04:00

I know it's been awhile since I posted. My computer was on the Fritz. Hell, it was on the Hans, Gunther, Schultz, Wilhelm, and Johan too. Get it? German names! Ok, I'm the only one laughing.

So, if you live in the DC area you've probably heard the big news about Deep Throat revealing their identity. Maybe I'm the only one who doesn't see the big deal. I'm pretty sure that Richard Nixon didn't do porn, so I have no idea how these two things are related. Plus, I'm pretty sure Linda Lovelace would have never went down on the Commander in Chief.

Now I don't know about most of you, but I'm not one for mixing my porn and politics. Porn stars shouldn't get it on with Presidents, only chunky interns and white trash office assisstants should. You nasty interns stay with your own kind, and you porn stars continue to do ugly rock stars and midgets.

But, if the two worlds of adult entertainment and politics do keep mixing, maybe CSPAN will be finally worth watching.

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/007ElP.jpg

Be sure and tip your barkeeper.

2005-05-26T03:31:00.000-04:00

Tonight I was going to talk about socialogical evolutions within corporate America and the ramifications it has on global economics further impacting the shift of structure within the world's superpowers. But then again, I figure that's beneath you all.

So instead, I'll just tell a lame joke and go to bed.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, goes up to the barkeep and says, "Gimme a Scotch and soda."
The barkeep turns to him and says, "Look pal, we don't serve food here."

GOODNIGHT!
-B

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/006ElP.jpg

Education is the name of the game.

2005-05-24T21:09:00.000-04:00

"Why haven't you posted lately?", is the question I've been getting lately. If there is one thing I learned from doing this on the 'other side', it's that you've got to take some breaks every now and again. This gives me time to think about topics and silliness that I'd like to throw up on here. (Did I just say 'throw up'?)

Speaking of things learned, I'd like to give you all an edition of something I call, "Things I've learned...mostly the hard way."

I've learned that:
1. Even if I use a smooth British accent, "Let's hump like a couple of wild marmosets", still makes a crappy pickup line.
2. "Objection, your honor" works much better in a court of law than, "He's not playing fair!"
3. You shouldn't be on a first name basis at your liquor store.
4. Doodling at an office meeting is fine. But breaking out brushes, paint, and an easel is just going too far.
5. I have to speak more clearly on a plane. "I'm gonna go to see my mom.", sounds a lot like "I'm gonna blow up this bomb."

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/005ElP.jpg

Ah memories...

2005-05-19T18:54:00.000-04:00

I don't have much to talk about today, so instead I'll just give you a taste of "Random Childhood Memories":

"You know, it's days like this I wish I was forty years younger, and a woman."

These were the words spoken to me by my father one day. Dad, if you're reading this, you know I'm kidding. You look great for your age...and mom wants her underwear back.

Now you all know why I can run so good in high heels. It must be in the genes.

-B

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/004ElP.jpg

Equality for all.

2005-05-18T23:01:00.000-04:00

You know, I don't hate many things in this world but there is one thing that I despise is breast reduction surgery. For those of you who are saying that it's for a woman's back need to lay off. I think a woman can look sexy in a back brace.

But I am a little curious. What do the doctors do with all of that extra boobie that gets taken out? I hope they don't throw it away. That would be such a waste. They should just stockpile all of that extra boobie and donate them to women who are flat. Then you wouldn't have to worry about implants bursting and putting their lives in danger. (You see ladies? I care about your health.) Then you could just set up the stockpile like a big boobie bank and all someone would have to do is run on down to the boobie bank and make a little withdrawel for their chest.

When all is said and done all women will be truely equal and all men will be equally happy. I'm pretty sure that this would be the only case in the world where nobody would have a problem with communism. It's genius I tell you.

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/003ElP.jpg

Why's it always got to be about color?

2005-05-18T00:22:00.000-04:00

Howdy,

Wow, 2 posts in a row. That's got to be a record...in Haiti. Well, I don't have much about to rant about tonight. Ok, thats not true. I just haven't made enough time to rant tonight. So that's where that stands.

So, I'll sign off for now. But remember, don't trust whitey. I know for a fact. I'm white too and look what he's done to me.

Bart

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/002ElP.jpg

...it is on after all.

2005-05-17T01:13:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone,

This is the first real post of the crazy scribblings from me and our favorite dictator, El Presidente`. For those of you who are in the know about him, welcome back. It's been too long.

For those of you who aren't hip to the jive, El Presidente` is our favorite, and fictitious, Generalisimo type strongman. He's here to give us daily words of wisdom, lay his musings upon us, and generally say the first silly thing that comes to mind. While he's doing that, I'll be doing the same thing on this blog during, what I call 'The Rant Portion'. Here is where I'll be ranting on whatever is going on in the world around us and in my life.

Hopefully, you'll enjoy what we've got to say and we welcome your comments. Thanks for tuning in and enjoy your stay.

Bart
p.s. Below is where the link to El P will usually be.

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/001ElP.jpg