Exercising those writing muscles

I use this blog for a variety of reasons. I've used it to ponder on weird things that I notice, like when I followed a lady on the highway who was smacking herself in the head for at least a miles worth...that story will come another time. Sometimes I use it to tell everyone embarrassing stories about myself...search for my ass saga sometime. I've also been known to work out stand up comedy material out here...see just about any post at all. But mostly I use the blog as a tool for writing exercises.

I have a tendency to be lazy when it comes to writing. Well, let me rephrase that. I have a tendency to be lazy. There. That's better. When that happens, I usually fall back to writing exercises to get me back on track. One of those exercises is making lists. So, before I go goofing off again, here are a few lists I've been working. Remember, anything in these lists are subject to change upon further research, my whim, and/or the hardness of my nipples. Don't laugh, they make a lot of decisions for me.

1. Superpowers I would like to have:

• Invisibility
• Flight
• Super Speed
• The ability to fart clouds into letters and shapes

2. Things that are both funny and sad:

• Fat people eating and crying at the same time
• Tickling an old person until they pee themselves
• Ugly Twins (They're both ugly, but not unique.)
• Clowns dieing violently (Think elephant rampage.)
• Midgets not being able to reach something crucial (A diabetic midget jumping up to reach his insulin, but not quite making it.)
• Bears getting toddlers stuck in their teeth (Silly bear, you don't know how to use a toothpick!)

3. People who could play me in a movie:

• Jack Black (I've been told I look like him. But then again, I've also been told I'm good in the sack. So take it for what it's worth.)
• Gary Oldman (He could play anybody. He's probably playing you right now!)
• Bea Arthur (Naturally)
• Ian Holm (He's that dude from those flicks. Look him up.)
• Rosie O'Donnel (Rosie needs the work.)
• Johnny Depp (Another guy who could play anyone. I'm sure he'd ugly himself up for the role.)
• William Shatner (Wishful thinking. How great would it be if Bill Shatner was saying things I say on the movie screen? "It's...not...going...to...suckitself!!!" I say that all the time.)
• James Garner (Again, wishful thinking. He's like a more easy going Clint Eastwood. Anyone who watched TV in the 70's knows what I'm talking about. Rockford Files, anyone?)
• Billy Crystal (We both have round heads.)
• Eddie Albert (If you have to look him up, you sadden me.)
• Don Rickles (Chalk up another for wishful thinking.)
• Dom DeLuise (...and another.)

4. Things I would do if I were a woman:

• Not be so insecure about my appearance
• Be a slut

Where Did You Learn Them Fancy Words?

I've always been a big fan of words; foreign and domestic. They serve so many uses and are so versatile.

Sometimes many are used to convey simple messages: "We're running low on bread and milk. So when you get a chance, on your way home from work, stop by the store and pick us up a few things. Oh, I'll probably give you a call to add a few things on the list, so we make sure everything is taken care of." Translation: "I don't have any money."

Sometimes a single word can explain the most complicated and deepest of thoughts: "Meh." Translation: "Fine, I'll get all of the things on your list. Also, when I hang up this phone, I'm going to curse and scream at the little bobble-head Jesus that sits on my dashboard because he's the only one who will listen to me. Well, it's not like he listens anyway. He just sits on his cross with his arms wide opened as if to say, "I can't do nothing for you, man." And that's all life is...just a bunch of supernatural beings with all the omnipotent power in the universe who either choose not to use it for the sake of good, or are too inept to even know how to harness that power. God, why don't you just stab me now?!"

...or something like that.

Although words are very effective tools, like all most tools, I don't use them for the purpose they were built. You should see me using a Phillip's head screwdriver...makes the best Q-Tip on Earth. I mostly find words that are strange and just say them over and over to myself almost like a verbal playground. I like saying words like 'mucluc' and 'gazebo' where they don't belong, just because they're fun. Go ahead, try these words on for size too: Titicaca, flambe, geezer, dung, hobo, and lupus. Doesn't it bring a smile to your face? If not, you probably don't have lips...and I pity you.

Some words of my favorite words are words for things that you don't know the name of. A 'whatchamacallit' and a 'whoosie-whatsit' are always better than the actual labels. I also like using 'hootiedagger' and 'cha-chut', if you like talking in French nonsense.

Sidenote: One Cajun/French word that I've gotten a ton of use out of is 'fratch'. This word is one of the most diverse and flexible words that I've ever had the privelege to learn. Pronounced "FRAH-tch", as a noun it is used to describe a fart, usually one that can be classified as a rip. Sometimes, if you're really lucky, that's the sound it'll make...FRATCH! As a verb it can be used to describe a state of being or a process of being. Example: "We were driving down the road and "FRATCH!" There went my engine." If you have the opportunity to use this word, use it liberally.

Of course, some of my favorite words are curse words, although I'm trying to use those less and less these days. It's not that I'm trying to be a better person. It's just that when I do curse, I want the word to have an impact...like in church...when I call the priest a 'peckerhead'...again. Hey, that's what you get when you short me on the wine.

As we all know the most effective, powerful, and versatile word in the cursing category is the 'F' bomb. For a brief background on the word please see the following video. Warning, the video is NSFW:




That about covers my love affair language. Remember to have your muclucs on the ground, and to keep reaching for the fratch!