Exercising those writing muscles

I use this blog for a variety of reasons. I've used it to ponder on weird things that I notice, like when I followed a lady on the highway who was smacking herself in the head for at least a miles worth...that story will come another time. Sometimes I use it to tell everyone embarrassing stories about myself...search for my ass saga sometime. I've also been known to work out stand up comedy material out here...see just about any post at all. But mostly I use the blog as a tool for writing exercises.

I have a tendency to be lazy when it comes to writing. Well, let me rephrase that. I have a tendency to be lazy. There. That's better. When that happens, I usually fall back to writing exercises to get me back on track. One of those exercises is making lists. So, before I go goofing off again, here are a few lists I've been working. Remember, anything in these lists are subject to change upon further research, my whim, and/or the hardness of my nipples. Don't laugh, they make a lot of decisions for me.

1. Superpowers I would like to have:

• Invisibility
• Flight
• Super Speed
• The ability to fart clouds into letters and shapes

2. Things that are both funny and sad:

• Fat people eating and crying at the same time
• Tickling an old person until they pee themselves
• Ugly Twins (They're both ugly, but not unique.)
• Clowns dieing violently (Think elephant rampage.)
• Midgets not being able to reach something crucial (A diabetic midget jumping up to reach his insulin, but not quite making it.)
• Bears getting toddlers stuck in their teeth (Silly bear, you don't know how to use a toothpick!)

3. People who could play me in a movie:

• Jack Black (I've been told I look like him. But then again, I've also been told I'm good in the sack. So take it for what it's worth.)
• Gary Oldman (He could play anybody. He's probably playing you right now!)
• Bea Arthur (Naturally)
• Ian Holm (He's that dude from those flicks. Look him up.)
• Rosie O'Donnel (Rosie needs the work.)
• Johnny Depp (Another guy who could play anyone. I'm sure he'd ugly himself up for the role.)
• William Shatner (Wishful thinking. How great would it be if Bill Shatner was saying things I say on the movie screen? "It's...not...going...to...suckitself!!!" I say that all the time.)
• James Garner (Again, wishful thinking. He's like a more easy going Clint Eastwood. Anyone who watched TV in the 70's knows what I'm talking about. Rockford Files, anyone?)
• Billy Crystal (We both have round heads.)
• Eddie Albert (If you have to look him up, you sadden me.)
• Don Rickles (Chalk up another for wishful thinking.)
• Dom DeLuise (...and another.)

4. Things I would do if I were a woman:

• Not be so insecure about my appearance
• Be a slut