Now it looks like it's up to me to eat all of that leftover candy. Oh well, if I end up in a diabetic coma, it was for the kids.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Happy Halloween!
TWO? Only two trick-or-treaters showed up to my door?!
Now it looks like it's up to me to eat all of that leftover candy. Oh well, if I end up in a diabetic coma, it was for the kids.
Now it looks like it's up to me to eat all of that leftover candy. Oh well, if I end up in a diabetic coma, it was for the kids.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
The Wonder of it All
Sometimes I wonder...
If you're at a Catholic church and they drop the communion bread on the ground, do you have to call the cops and draw a chalk outline around it? It is the body of Christ, and he is dead after all.
When rap artists write their song titles such as "In Da House" or "Thuggin' Fo Eva" on Microsoft Word, does it drive their spell checker crazy?
If dogs can smell fear in others and smell poop on the ground, how do they know the difference?
Why is it so funny when little people run?
If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to witness it, can I move into the mobile home it fell on for free?
Why can't strippers keep a tip jar on the stage? They don't have pockets to hold the money.
Why isn't belching the alphabet isn't a marketable skill on my resume? It's not something everyone can do, and that's what set me apart from the rest of the applicants.
(All you credence Clearwater Revival fans sing this part with me.)
And I wonder, still I wonder who'll stop the rain...
...and if someone can do that, will they use their powers for good or evil?
Why aren't there any dinosaurs in the bible? That would have made the Noah and the Arc story so much more exciting.
If cats have nine lives, does the vet have to put them to sleep nine times?
If blind folks senses compensate and heighten for their lack of site, they should be the first one to know if someone farted.
If you're at a Catholic church and they drop the communion bread on the ground, do you have to call the cops and draw a chalk outline around it? It is the body of Christ, and he is dead after all.
When rap artists write their song titles such as "In Da House" or "Thuggin' Fo Eva" on Microsoft Word, does it drive their spell checker crazy?
If dogs can smell fear in others and smell poop on the ground, how do they know the difference?
Why is it so funny when little people run?
If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to witness it, can I move into the mobile home it fell on for free?
Why can't strippers keep a tip jar on the stage? They don't have pockets to hold the money.
Why isn't belching the alphabet isn't a marketable skill on my resume? It's not something everyone can do, and that's what set me apart from the rest of the applicants.
(All you credence Clearwater Revival fans sing this part with me.)
And I wonder, still I wonder who'll stop the rain...
...and if someone can do that, will they use their powers for good or evil?
Why aren't there any dinosaurs in the bible? That would have made the Noah and the Arc story so much more exciting.
If cats have nine lives, does the vet have to put them to sleep nine times?
If blind folks senses compensate and heighten for their lack of site, they should be the first one to know if someone farted.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Howard Walters?!
Today's forecast calls for cold, rainy, and generally suckass.
Momma said there'd be days like this. Actually, she never said anything like that. She usually said, "Go run down to the store and pick me up a box of wine." At least she drank wine. What a classy lady.
Now, I don't know if it was the wine talking but she always knew how to comfort me. One time my older brother was teasing my by saying I was adopted. That upset me, so I asked her if I was. She sat me down and told me I wasn't really adopted. Instead, they just found me on the side of the road with a note pinned to my chest saying that I was the abandoned love child of Howard Cosell and Barbara Walters. I'm serious about this! You can't make drunk rambling like this up. Now if that were the truth, I'd look a little something like this. Thankfully that's not true, because nobody this handsome could be their child.
Thanks mom, you really knew how to put a kid's fears and insecurities to rest as he cries himself to sleep every night.
Momma said there'd be days like this. Actually, she never said anything like that. She usually said, "Go run down to the store and pick me up a box of wine." At least she drank wine. What a classy lady.
Now, I don't know if it was the wine talking but she always knew how to comfort me. One time my older brother was teasing my by saying I was adopted. That upset me, so I asked her if I was. She sat me down and told me I wasn't really adopted. Instead, they just found me on the side of the road with a note pinned to my chest saying that I was the abandoned love child of Howard Cosell and Barbara Walters. I'm serious about this! You can't make drunk rambling like this up. Now if that were the truth, I'd look a little something like this. Thankfully that's not true, because nobody this handsome could be their child.
Thanks mom, you really knew how to put a kid's fears and insecurities to rest as he cries himself to sleep every night.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Cleanup on Aisle 5!
I love the grocery store. You can usually find me prancing behind a shopping cart once a week. Yeah, I prance in the grocery store. Why not? Now that I’m an adult and I have a steady job, I can get whatever I want. I don’t have to beg a parent to get me a giant bag of chips that I’ll probably nibble on for a minute and throw away later. I don’t have to justify any purchases anymore! I’m a grown man, and if I want to buy that Silly Putty in the toy section, I can do that! God, It’s so liberating.
The breakfast cereal aisle is my absolute favorite section of the grocery store. I usually get the most sugar loaded brand of cereal I can find. Take ‘Cookie Crisp’ for example. It’s nothing but a box of miniature chocolate chip cookies. How much more decadent can you get? Why don’t they just make a children’s cereal made out of chocolate bars, pop rocks, and jawbreakers? Better yet, make one for adults with Jack Daniel’s, coffee, and cigarettes?
Sometimes I’ll get a box of cereal just for the toy inside. I don’t care that I don’t even want the family sized Wheaties. They’re giving away wrist-held Batsignal and I need it! Why do I need it? Well, I can’t look like a totally cool superhero without it. DUH!
-B
The breakfast cereal aisle is my absolute favorite section of the grocery store. I usually get the most sugar loaded brand of cereal I can find. Take ‘Cookie Crisp’ for example. It’s nothing but a box of miniature chocolate chip cookies. How much more decadent can you get? Why don’t they just make a children’s cereal made out of chocolate bars, pop rocks, and jawbreakers? Better yet, make one for adults with Jack Daniel’s, coffee, and cigarettes?
Sometimes I’ll get a box of cereal just for the toy inside. I don’t care that I don’t even want the family sized Wheaties. They’re giving away wrist-held Batsignal and I need it! Why do I need it? Well, I can’t look like a totally cool superhero without it. DUH!
-B
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Goin' my way?
As I was driving around last night, looking for my bible study class (yeah, right), I saw a couple of deer on the side of the road. They were so cute, and probably delicious, but that's besides the point.
As they started to step foot into the road all of the other cars started flashing their high beams and honking their horns, and that made me sad. After all, all those deer wanted was a ride and those poor creatures had no thumbs to hitchhike with.
People can be so cruel.
As they started to step foot into the road all of the other cars started flashing their high beams and honking their horns, and that made me sad. After all, all those deer wanted was a ride and those poor creatures had no thumbs to hitchhike with.
People can be so cruel.
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