Planes, Trains, and Jerks

All aboard! The next train is leaving for 'away from here' and we've got room for two more:

1. Kevin Federline:
We get it! You’re nailing a hot chick! You can quit rubbing it in our faces. I’ve got to say you are everything that is wrong with everything. I don’t know how you slipped past karma’s radar, but you better enjoy while you can because Brittany is going to come to her senses one day and pitch you out on your ass. And don’t think for a second I’ll let you bum a cigarette when you ask for it.

Oh, and just to put the topping on the cake, you call yourself K-Fed...Ugh.

2. 'Finger Shooters':
I told you all this list wasn’t specific to just a person. Certain types of people can be included. This time I’m including the people who use their fingers as guns when they’re saying ‘hello’ to you. You know the guy. He walks up in his Members’ Only jacket, large hair, and toothy grin and says “There’s my guy! Hey buddy!”, then proceeds to give the finger shoot…’Bang Bang’!

I wish those fingers were loaded, and you would turn them on yourself. But, unfortunately, those fingers, like you, would probably shoot blanks. Instead, pack your bags, head on down to the airport, make sure to turn in your ‘weapons’ to the security guards, and fly far, far away.

-Y2

Two more candidates.

Looks like I've found two more folks who've made the 'Go Away' list. So help me in saying 'Bye Bye' to:

1. Yoko Ono
Where did she come from? Why won’t she go back? Yoko just seemed to appear out of the blue, hanging around the Beatles. Who knew that she would be the one to destroy them? It’s almost like a cold sore on your lip ending your life. After she did her number on one the greatest rock and roll bands ever, she then guided John Lennon to make some of the most retarded recordings in history. I’m sorry, but screeching isn’t singing.

As if that isn’t enough, she’s also a vocal activist for world peace. Sheesh. What a wide open cause to root for. Why don’t you just be an activist for no more bad things to happen on the planet in every way shape or form? You know what, Yoko? The only way all of those world unity rallies you’re holding would be successful is if everyone in the world united to get you to pack your bags, and go back to whatever planet you came from.

2. Barbara Streisand
You suck! End of story...

-Y2

Make like a tree and get outta here!

Certain people piss me off to no end. You know the type. These are people that bring nothing to the table of humanity other than to annoy and bewilder us. Now it’s human nature for us to want to kill them, but I’m not that spiteful. I would just rather they’d go away. That’s all I’m asking for. I’d like to see them pack their bags and never be heard from again.

This isn’t just limited to people either. There are a bunch of annoying things I wish would disappear. Hopefully, if I can make you folks aware of these people and things, maybe we can make them go away for good. So now, I’d like to present a new segment in the ‘Scribblings’ called the ‘Go Away List’. I now present our first candidate to leave us...

Oprah Winfrey:
General Mao, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, Oprah Winfrey. Don’t think Oprah’s name belongs in that list? Think again. Just like the others in that list, Oprah has a large, faithful following of supporters. Just like the others in that list, Oprah has limitless resources available to her whim. Just like the others, Oprah has the potential to torture the masses.

Don’t let the energetic entrances on her TV show, the car giveaways, the book-of-the-month club, or even the endless parade of celebrities crying on her couch fool you. She’s up to no good.

So why is she on the “Go Away” list? It comes down to two factors. Factor #1: She’s annoying. Her army of followers chanting, “You go girl!” makes every heterosexual, and even some bi- and homosexual men go sterile. Factor #2: Time magazine has named her on of the most powerful woman in the world. If you take those two factors and put them together, you get someone that has the capability to get on your nerves every waking and most sleeping, if she invades your dreams, second of the day. If you ask me, that’s just a recipe for disaster.

So Oprah, do us all a favor, take all of the money you have, buy your own planet, and move there…permanently!

-Y2

Are you threatening me?

I appreciate a good threat. The more creative, the better. Whether you want to kick someone's ass, just beat them up, or however you want to lay your vengeance upon someone, it's good to get a good clever threat out to your adversary. Even if you don't plan on following through on it, you can get a good laugh out of it.

For example, I was talking to a friend of mine today and, as most guys do, we were talking trash to each other. I told him I thought his sister was cute. He told me that I doesn't have a sister. So I said that his brother had better grow a moustache so I'd know better next time. He replied that he'd put his foot so far up my ass, that we'd be walking home together.

I know that it's an old threat, but it's a classic. I like hearing it every now again. Speaking of hearing threats, here's a list of good threats I've heard over the years:

1. I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry.
2. I'll hit you with so many lefts, you'll be begging me for a right.
3. I'll kick bloody chiclets down your throat.
4. I'll punch you so far back in time, when you wake up, your clothes will be out of style.
5. I'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwhich.
6. I'm gonna rip your arm off and beat you with it.
7. I'll slap the taste out of your mouth.
8. I'll beat you to sleep.
9. I'm gonna knock your lungs loose.
10. It's only gonna take two hits: me hitting you, and you hitting the floor.

If you've heard any good threats, please leave it in the comment section. If they're really good, they'll be used for an edition of El Presidente`.

-Y2

A Scratch Behind the Ears

It is a sad time around the household. My roommate's 16 year old (calendar years) dog, Benny is gonna have to be put down tomorrow. Although he's not really my dog, I've grown pretty attached to him. I consider him like a nephew to me, well that was until he got neutered. Now he's one of my favorite nieces. All jokes aside, he was a good pet and a great member of the family. He will sorely be missed.

Sit. Stay. Rest in peace...good boy!