Dropped in...

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.

If I could only get my kid to do this...


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-Bart

By the way, if you're going to be in Arlington, VA tomorrow night, stop by Dr. Dremo's for a free stand-up comedy show. I'll be in the lineup.

Also, January 17 @ 8pm, I'll be in the Improvisational show at the DC Improv. Get your tickets early, because these things always sell out.

Monkey see, monkey do...evil.

Those monkeys always sneak up on you.

Here's a couple links to put you in the Christmas spirit:

Now you've got Santa where you want him.

Who wants some eggnog and whole bottle of sleeping pills?

By the way, if you're going to be in DC Wednesday night, stop by the DC Improv for a free improvisational show. I'll buy you a beer. I'll even help you drink it, if you want.

Random Christmas Musings...

What a prick.

Christmas is upon us, like another herpes outbreak. Yipee! Anyway, here are some random holiday thoughts I've had:

• Nothing says, "I have no idea what to get you," like cash and a card.

• We've had to institute a new rule in the house. 'Thou shalt not puke on the Christmas tree.'

• Santa still owes me back from 1987.

• Eggnog is one of the easiest mixes of hooch to throw up...

• ...rumballs are not.

• Its not officially Christmas time until someone in your neighborhood falls off the ladder putting up the lights.

• Is the family of Malcom X alright with folks using his name for X-Mas?

• Is that where Kwanzaa came from?

• Is it 'One horse open sleigh', or 'One whore soap and sleigh'? I think it's the latter.

• If those deer in your front yard are so 'animated', how come they haven't jumped out in front of traffic like real deer?

• Who else wants to shoot the inflatable yard decorations with a BB gun?

• I like opening my presents very carefully and methodically. Why? Because it pisses you off.

• Just because it has the logo of my favorite sports team, doesn't mean I want it. (New Orleans Saints socks, anyone?)

• Maybe next time, you'll get me cash and a card.

• Now I know why my Dad wanted to sleep in on Christmas morning.

• It sucks to be broke around the holidays. That's why I'm going to steal my son's toys, rewrap them, and give them back to him. He'll never know the difference.

• Santa is great leverage for making children behave...

• ...so is holding a gun to the family dog's head...

• ...but it doesn't work on the family fish. Nobody cares about the fish.

• While you're enjoying your present, I'm going to go play with the box.

• If you don't have a chimney on your house, how does Santa get in? If he does pick your locks, where did he learn that? Probably in the joint.

• Sure, everyone wants to put the 'Christ' back in 'Christmas', but when are we going to put the 'Christ' back in 'Chrysler'?

• I vote that we put the 'Cha' back in 'Chanukah'.

• Baby Jesus in your Nativity scene makes a great football. But if your score a touchdown, don't spike him. Jesus doesn't like showboating.

Have a happy whatever you call it...

Bart

New Orleans Saints...nice.

42-17. What a magical set of numbers. My Saints did it again, and this time put a whippin' on the Cowboys. I'm sure you'll hear about it on ESPN or something. But I'm just thrilled to see them play a great game.

It looks like being a life-long fan of these guys may start shaping up to pay its dividends. Or I just might be jinxing them by writing this. I don't know. I don't know what it's like to be successful...except for that stint I had as Rosie O'Donnell's personal chef. (How random was that reference?)

Geaux Saints!
Bart

"Where'd he go?" "Where'd who go?"

One of these days I'm going to learn to stop saying that I'll post more. I'm such a liar. I know, I could lie more and say I was busy working on my epic lymeric about a gentleman from Nantucket. But I won't do that to you. It's not fair to you, the readers, and it's not fair to that small New England community. (Is Nantucket in New England?)

Anyway, here's the brief rundown of what's been happening with me...

1. First and foremost, I got married. Hooray for us!
2. I'm finally back to doing stand-up comedy after a little hiatus. Shows and dates to come.
3. My Saints are playing pretty hot right now. There will be more sports related posts (if I post).
4. My LSU Tigers aren't too shabby either.
5. The Pilates are really working out for me.

That about covers everything I can think of at the moment. So, stay tuned...if you dare! Aw, who am I trying to intimidate? All I can do is shake my chubby finger at you guys, and, let's face it, that's got no pull nowadays.

Enjoy,
Bart (Yeah, I'm using my real name...don't ask why.)