A few days ago, my friends and I were sitting around having a few beers and shooting the breeze. We brought up the usual topics: midgets, porn, and Tijuana donkey shows. You know, if you think about it, the Tijuana donkey shows could fit into the midgets AND porn category. That's a piece of knowledge you'll never run across in a game of Trivial Pursuit.
Anyway, the radio was on a classic rock station and we were all jamming until one of my buddies popped up and said, "What band?" As soon as he said that, we all fell silent. It was as if you would have given a family of apes a calculus book. Blank stares all around. Then my buddy said, "C'mon, it's Foghat off of their 1975 album, Fool for the City...DUUUHHH!!!" This is when I promptly socked him in the arm.
Now I don't know about you, but I've always hated those goobers who feel it's their duty to quiz you on old songs. It makes it hard to jam out to some old tunes with some assclown over your shoulder going, "What band? What album? What year? What record label? Who was the first lead singer? Who was the third triangle player after they went to progressive rock?" SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!
You don't see people doing this stuff over opera. "What composer? Who's the tenor? Who is his understudy? Who was the fifth fat lady to audition for this part? What's her bra size?"
-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/022ElP.jpg
Monday, August 22, 2005
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Can I get you anything, sir?
My girlfriend and I went out to dinner the other night. No, it wasn't the type of place where they ask if I'd like to 'supersize' anything. I guess that's because she chose the restaurant. Although, I would have bought her the hot apple pie. I like to pamper my baby.
As we went through ordering everything, our waiter, Brad, seemed to be really excited over everything we wanted. He'd ask us what we wanted to drink, then he'd freak out and go, "Excellent choice!" When we ordered the appetizer, he did it again, "Fabulous! This is really good!" As we went through the rest of menu, he just kept on doing it, and it was starting to make me feel like he wasn't being sincere. When my girlfriend asked for another glass of water he said, "Ooooh, good call ma'am!" That's when I knew he was just kissing our asses for a good tip.
I hate it when waiters try to schmooze you after you make a menu choice just to get an extra few bucks. It makes me feel like a retarded kid who just gave his parents the 37th piece of macaroni art but they don't want to tell him that they're sick of his terrible pasta creations so they just say things like "Oooh, Corky, that's sooooo good. You're so special!"
And another thing, it doesn't matter what you order, they're gonna say that patronizing crap anyway. I could have ordered a turd on a cracker and Brad would've gushed over my choice of cuisine by saying, "Tremendous choice, sir. I just had that last week." Well Brad, wipe the crap outta your teeth and get me another round of drinks, you're gonna have to find another way to hustle these last few bones outta my pocket.
-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/021ElP.jpg
As we went through ordering everything, our waiter, Brad, seemed to be really excited over everything we wanted. He'd ask us what we wanted to drink, then he'd freak out and go, "Excellent choice!" When we ordered the appetizer, he did it again, "Fabulous! This is really good!" As we went through the rest of menu, he just kept on doing it, and it was starting to make me feel like he wasn't being sincere. When my girlfriend asked for another glass of water he said, "Ooooh, good call ma'am!" That's when I knew he was just kissing our asses for a good tip.
I hate it when waiters try to schmooze you after you make a menu choice just to get an extra few bucks. It makes me feel like a retarded kid who just gave his parents the 37th piece of macaroni art but they don't want to tell him that they're sick of his terrible pasta creations so they just say things like "Oooh, Corky, that's sooooo good. You're so special!"
And another thing, it doesn't matter what you order, they're gonna say that patronizing crap anyway. I could have ordered a turd on a cracker and Brad would've gushed over my choice of cuisine by saying, "Tremendous choice, sir. I just had that last week." Well Brad, wipe the crap outta your teeth and get me another round of drinks, you're gonna have to find another way to hustle these last few bones outta my pocket.
-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/021ElP.jpg
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Thank ya. Thank ya vera much...
Did I mention I'm glad to be done with the ass story? Just checking.
I know this is a week late, but I'd like to personally thank everyone who came out to our show at the DC Improv last Thursday. It was good to see all of you. I hope we put on a good show for you and I hope you had as much fun watching it as we did doing it. Thanks, again, for supporting live comedy and I hope we can do it again really soon.
Oh, and I'd like to give a special 'thanks' to my crazy cheering section..."Hey Bart! Nice shirt!" You guys are nuts...and I like it.
-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/020ElP.jpg
By the way, there is another DICSC show on the 24th of August at the DC Improv. I won't be in it, but won't you stop by and check it out? The shows are always funny and it will be loaded with a very talented cast.
While I'm making plugs, if you're in the Centreville, VA area on August 12th or 13th go to Lafterhours and see my mentor and role model Matt Kazam. He's a great comedian and good person. Look for details at http://www.lafterhours.com/
I know this is a week late, but I'd like to personally thank everyone who came out to our show at the DC Improv last Thursday. It was good to see all of you. I hope we put on a good show for you and I hope you had as much fun watching it as we did doing it. Thanks, again, for supporting live comedy and I hope we can do it again really soon.
Oh, and I'd like to give a special 'thanks' to my crazy cheering section..."Hey Bart! Nice shirt!" You guys are nuts...and I like it.
-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/020ElP.jpg
By the way, there is another DICSC show on the 24th of August at the DC Improv. I won't be in it, but won't you stop by and check it out? The shows are always funny and it will be loaded with a very talented cast.
While I'm making plugs, if you're in the Centreville, VA area on August 12th or 13th go to Lafterhours and see my mentor and role model Matt Kazam. He's a great comedian and good person. Look for details at http://www.lafterhours.com/
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Chapter 5...The Conclusion...finally!
Ok, it's time for chapter 5...for my Latin friends, it's chapter cinco. For my friends in Joliet, Illinois...well, I don't have any friends from there. If you happen to be from Joliet, hi there! Would you like to be my friend? (You probably won't after reading this blog.) Here we go...
I got an appointment with a surgeon and went in to see him. He was a very nice guy. He only punched me in the nose once! What a sweetheart. Anyway, after we got my nose to stop bleeding, he examined my butt and scheduled me down for surgery. Yeah, THAT kind of surgery. The kind where they admit you in a hospital and put you out. I bet my butt's ego was feeling pretty good. After all, it had been getting tons of attention.
A week later I went on down to the hospital. I've got to admit I was a little scared. Regardless of how minor the surgery is, there is still a chance of dying when they put you out and I started getting ready for my death, just in case. I had it all planned out too. I was going to have midget Elvis impersonators, a dancing monkey show...ok, that's as far as I planned it. I still wasn't sure on what I wanted done to my body. I either wanted to have my crotch cremated and sprinkled over the Virgin Islands, or have my body wrapped in Saran Wrap and let my friends do things like hit me with a baseball bat and shoot me out of a cannon.
Regardless of how far I had planned, it was time to go under the knife. They rolled my bed into the operating room and placed a mask on my face. The attendant told me the mask was for oxygen and I was cool with that. Then the smell of the mask changed. I asked if it was the gas, but all I could get out was, "Hey, you tricked me. You dirty motherblaamuuuffffff..." Off to sleep I went.
I didn't have any visions of going through a tunnel or seeing a white light when I was under, so I guess things went smoothly. When I woke up, I was really loopy and my butt hurt. Unlike other punchlines to most jokes I've heard and told, this was supposed to happen.
The recovery period over the next few weeks was a pain in the butt. Seriously, it was. After the swelling went down, which was hard to tell because of my fat ass, I took a look at the damage. Not only did they remove the cyst, but they gave me a boob job too! Ok, I'm kidding, the boobs were there before the surgery.
Just about a month ago, I finally got the stitches out and I was given a clean, bill of health. All I've got to show for it now is a huge scar that makes my ass look like it's got gills, and a few doctor bills to pay. This will definitley put my professional mooning career on hold for about a year. You know, at least they could have gave me a T-shirt that says, "If you think my face is ugly, you should see my ass!", and a lollipop for all of this. Oh well, at least it feels good to sit down again.
Thanks for bearing with this long story. Now we can get back to the business of funny thoughts and dangerous ideas again. Thanks, again, for playing along...
-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/019ElP.jpg
I got an appointment with a surgeon and went in to see him. He was a very nice guy. He only punched me in the nose once! What a sweetheart. Anyway, after we got my nose to stop bleeding, he examined my butt and scheduled me down for surgery. Yeah, THAT kind of surgery. The kind where they admit you in a hospital and put you out. I bet my butt's ego was feeling pretty good. After all, it had been getting tons of attention.
A week later I went on down to the hospital. I've got to admit I was a little scared. Regardless of how minor the surgery is, there is still a chance of dying when they put you out and I started getting ready for my death, just in case. I had it all planned out too. I was going to have midget Elvis impersonators, a dancing monkey show...ok, that's as far as I planned it. I still wasn't sure on what I wanted done to my body. I either wanted to have my crotch cremated and sprinkled over the Virgin Islands, or have my body wrapped in Saran Wrap and let my friends do things like hit me with a baseball bat and shoot me out of a cannon.
Regardless of how far I had planned, it was time to go under the knife. They rolled my bed into the operating room and placed a mask on my face. The attendant told me the mask was for oxygen and I was cool with that. Then the smell of the mask changed. I asked if it was the gas, but all I could get out was, "Hey, you tricked me. You dirty motherblaamuuuffffff..." Off to sleep I went.
I didn't have any visions of going through a tunnel or seeing a white light when I was under, so I guess things went smoothly. When I woke up, I was really loopy and my butt hurt. Unlike other punchlines to most jokes I've heard and told, this was supposed to happen.
The recovery period over the next few weeks was a pain in the butt. Seriously, it was. After the swelling went down, which was hard to tell because of my fat ass, I took a look at the damage. Not only did they remove the cyst, but they gave me a boob job too! Ok, I'm kidding, the boobs were there before the surgery.
Just about a month ago, I finally got the stitches out and I was given a clean, bill of health. All I've got to show for it now is a huge scar that makes my ass look like it's got gills, and a few doctor bills to pay. This will definitley put my professional mooning career on hold for about a year. You know, at least they could have gave me a T-shirt that says, "If you think my face is ugly, you should see my ass!", and a lollipop for all of this. Oh well, at least it feels good to sit down again.
Thanks for bearing with this long story. Now we can get back to the business of funny thoughts and dangerous ideas again. Thanks, again, for playing along...
-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/019ElP.jpg
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