Chapter 5...The Conclusion...finally!

Ok, it's time for chapter 5...for my Latin friends, it's chapter cinco. For my friends in Joliet, Illinois...well, I don't have any friends from there. If you happen to be from Joliet, hi there! Would you like to be my friend? (You probably won't after reading this blog.) Here we go...

I got an appointment with a surgeon and went in to see him. He was a very nice guy. He only punched me in the nose once! What a sweetheart. Anyway, after we got my nose to stop bleeding, he examined my butt and scheduled me down for surgery. Yeah, THAT kind of surgery. The kind where they admit you in a hospital and put you out. I bet my butt's ego was feeling pretty good. After all, it had been getting tons of attention.

A week later I went on down to the hospital. I've got to admit I was a little scared. Regardless of how minor the surgery is, there is still a chance of dying when they put you out and I started getting ready for my death, just in case. I had it all planned out too. I was going to have midget Elvis impersonators, a dancing monkey show...ok, that's as far as I planned it. I still wasn't sure on what I wanted done to my body. I either wanted to have my crotch cremated and sprinkled over the Virgin Islands, or have my body wrapped in Saran Wrap and let my friends do things like hit me with a baseball bat and shoot me out of a cannon.

Regardless of how far I had planned, it was time to go under the knife. They rolled my bed into the operating room and placed a mask on my face. The attendant told me the mask was for oxygen and I was cool with that. Then the smell of the mask changed. I asked if it was the gas, but all I could get out was, "Hey, you tricked me. You dirty motherblaamuuuffffff..." Off to sleep I went.

I didn't have any visions of going through a tunnel or seeing a white light when I was under, so I guess things went smoothly. When I woke up, I was really loopy and my butt hurt. Unlike other punchlines to most jokes I've heard and told, this was supposed to happen.

The recovery period over the next few weeks was a pain in the butt. Seriously, it was. After the swelling went down, which was hard to tell because of my fat ass, I took a look at the damage. Not only did they remove the cyst, but they gave me a boob job too! Ok, I'm kidding, the boobs were there before the surgery.

Just about a month ago, I finally got the stitches out and I was given a clean, bill of health. All I've got to show for it now is a huge scar that makes my ass look like it's got gills, and a few doctor bills to pay. This will definitley put my professional mooning career on hold for about a year. You know, at least they could have gave me a T-shirt that says, "If you think my face is ugly, you should see my ass!", and a lollipop for all of this. Oh well, at least it feels good to sit down again.

Thanks for bearing with this long story. Now we can get back to the business of funny thoughts and dangerous ideas again. Thanks, again, for playing along...

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/019ElP.jpg