Chapter 4...I don't feel like putting a title here.

Once again, I know it seems like I'm rushing through this. Well, I won't deny that I am. It just gets to be a pain thinking, "What am I going to write about my ass this time?". What a silly thing to think about...

So let's all flash forward a few months from the last entry. It was during good times. I just celebrated my birthday (the 14th one in a row) and just switched jobs. I was happy, I was feeling good, I was OWWW...what the hell was that? Once again my old friend, the lump, decided to rear it's ugly head. Well, I'm not sure it had a head, but it had a voice, and it decided to talk.

"Hellooooooo.", it said in a creepy voice.
I didn't answer.
"Hellooooooo?", it said again.
I still didn't respond.
Then it said, "If you won't answer me, I'll just have to hurt you." And hurt me, it did.

For the next few days a mean pain arose. Sitting and even laying down became uncomfortable and painful. That really upset me, because those were two things I was really good at.

As time passed, I decided to examine the area. Imagine my surprise when I looked to find that I was growing a tail! Normally growing a tail would be a good thing. It's a sign of evolution, after all. But this tail sucked! It wasn't even a cool prehensile tail. At least with one of those, I could put it to good use by having another appendage to feed myself with.

Enough was enough and it was finally time to get this taken care of. I was tired of my lump controlling me. Heck, it even made me watch late night Cinemax dirty movies, and I hate doing that...yeah, right. After a full day of calling doctors' offices with no luck, I decided I had to go to the emergency room. What an adventure that was. Just when I thought that Wal-Mart shoppers were on the lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder, the emergency room patrons found a new way to set the deficient chromosome standard. If you happen to be a Wal-Mart shopper who is checking this out, don't feel bad. I typed this part really slow so you can read this.

This emergency ward was something special. There were folks laid out all over the floors just bleeding, passing out, and smoking all over the place. I guess the cigarettes takes the edge off the pain of a sucking chest wound.

After a few hours, my number was finally called. I went into the room and prepared to take my lumps, or in this case, get my lump taken out. The physician laid me on the table and told me to relax. At least one of us was, because I hear her mutter under her breath, "Oh my God." I don't know if it was the sight of my classically sculpted ass (once again...yeah, right), or the giant lump winking at her that freaked her out (by this time it had grown a set of eyes).

I'll give her credit though, she was a trooper. In a matter of minutes she had me numbed, lanced, and drained. (I thought I'd spare you the gory details.) One prescription of percocets and a surgeon's referral later I was on my way again, feeling relieved for just a few more days...


-B
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