Chapter Three...Pain for a good cause.

I really want to get this story done. There are so many more interesting things going on in the world and I'm pretty sure you'd rather read about them than listen to me ramble on about my ass. So if it seems like I'm cutting a few corners, you'll know why. On with the show...

It was tough calling the doctor's office for me because I knew they were going to ask why I wanted to come in, and I didn't know how to tell them I was afraid of my ass. I guess I just wasn't well versed in the technical terminology. I'm sorry if I didn't know how to say 'ass lump' in Latin. So, I just lied and said that I needed a physical.

When I showed up for my appointment, I kind of felt sorry for the doctor. She was probably thinking that she was going to just slap a stethoscope on my chest and let me be on my way. Instead, I was coming with an ugly surprise.

As a sidenote, I chose a female doctor, because women generally have small, soft hands, and I didn't want a guy with some giant, rock crushing mitts anywhere near my butt. (Yes, I actually put that much thought into it.)

After the song and dance of getting my blood pressure and pulse taken, I sprung the lump on my doctor. And when I say 'sprung' I mean I barely whispered, "I think there's something wrong with my butt." Hey, you never know if someone else was listening. Either way, she said, "Ok then. Let's take a look", and made me drop my pants. Ok, she didn't MAKE me do it. It's just that I've never passed a chance to moon someone.

Well, when I mooned her, she gave me the most shocking and painful goose of my entire life. I guess that was her payback for surprising her with an ass lump. After a bit of prodding she wanted me to go get some X-rays done.

Flash forward to a few hours later and I'm in a radiology office. At this point my dignity is sky high. Why wouldn't it be? I'm a paper robe and socks, I'm still stinging from the goosing, and I'm still not sure what this lump is. Just to make things a little worse, the X-ray tech was in a bad mood. I tried to cheer her up by telling her that things could have been worse. SHE could have been walking around with an ass lump. She replied, "I wish I had one." Ok, I made that part up.

Then she thumbed me in the eye and pushed me onto the table...ok, I made that part up too.

After the X-ray process came the most nerve-racking few minutes of my life. The information had to be sent to the doc's office and then they had to call back and tell me what it was. Those five minutes wreaked havoc on me. The whole time my mind was just churning crazy thoughts. "What if it's cancer? What will I do? What if I have to have chemotherapy? Will I look good bald? I wonder if a lot of folks will show up to my funeral? I wonder if they'll let me rent midgets to entertain folks at my burial..." I know those are morbid and weird thoughts, but that's what actually went through my head.

Then the phone rang. My heart skipped a beat.

"Sir, good news. It's not a tumor" (visions of Arnold Schwarzenegger screaming at five year olds danced in my head)

Relief came over me. No, not THAT kind of relief. I haven't peed on myself in years...two, to be exact. I was so happy that I sprinted and slid down the freshly waxed hallways of the office in my paper gown and socks. The moody X-ray tech yelled at me for that, but I didn't care. My ass lump wasn't trying to kill me, and that's all I cared about. So I got dressed, thanked everyone and went on about my way...for a few months.

-B
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p.s. I got into another show at the DC Improv. It's on Thursday, August 4th at 8:30 p.m. So, if you'd like to see me and some very funny and talented folks for a night of live, totally improvised comedy, log onto www.dcimprov.com and purchase your tickets. Buy them early because the show will sell out. Hope to see you all there!