What a prick.Nothing says, "I have no idea what to get you," like cash and a card.
We've had to institute a new rule in the house. 'Thou shalt not puke on the Christmas tree.'
Santa still owes me back from 1987.
Eggnog is one of the easiest mixes of hooch to throw up...
...rumballs are not.
Its not officially Christmas time until someone in your neighborhood falls off the ladder putting up the lights.
Is the family of Malcom X alright with folks using his name for X-Mas?
Is that where Kwanzaa came from?
Is it 'One horse open sleigh', or 'One whore soap and sleigh'? I think it's the latter.
If those deer in your front yard are so 'animated', how come they haven't jumped out in front of traffic like real deer?
Who else wants to shoot the inflatable yard decorations with a BB gun?
I like opening my presents very carefully and methodically. Why? Because it pisses you off.
Just because it has the logo of my favorite sports team, doesn't mean I want it. (New Orleans Saints socks, anyone?)
Maybe next time, you'll get me cash and a card.
Now I know why my Dad wanted to sleep in on Christmas morning.
It sucks to be broke around the holidays. That's why I'm going to steal my son's toys, rewrap them, and give them back to him. He'll never know the difference.
Santa is great leverage for making children behave...
...so is holding a gun to the family dog's head...
- ...but it doesn't work on the family fish. Nobody cares about the fish.
- While you're enjoying your present, I'm going to go play with the box.
- If you don't have a chimney on your house, how does Santa get in? If he does pick your locks, where did he learn that? Probably in the joint.
- Sure, everyone wants to put the 'Christ' back in 'Christmas', but when are we going to put the 'Christ' back in 'Chrysler'?
- I vote that we put the 'Cha' back in 'Chanukah'.
- Baby Jesus in your Nativity scene makes a great football. But if your score a touchdown, don't spike him. Jesus doesn't like showboating.
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