Momma said there'd be days like this. Actually, she never said anything like that. She usually said, "Go run down to the store and pick me up a box of wine." At least she drank wine. What a classy lady.
Now, I don't know if it was the wine talking but she always knew how to comfort me. One time my older brother was teasing my by saying I was adopted. That upset me, so I asked her if I was. She sat me down and told me I wasn't really adopted. Instead, they just found me on the side of the road with a note pinned to my chest saying that I was the abandoned love child of Howard Cosell and Barbara Walters. I'm serious about this! You can't make drunk rambling like this up. Now if that were the truth, I'd look a little something like this. Thankfully that's not true, because nobody this handsome could be their child.
Thanks mom, you really knew how to put a kid's fears and insecurities to rest as he cries himself to sleep every night.
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Italian Honeymoon
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip.
"Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'
"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!
"Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
"So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting ata a top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia! .....Nofolka Virginia!'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus!!"
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