Fork This

I hate puns in my titles. From now on, I swear to never do a 'punny' title again. May Jesus stab me if I do.

I have a hobby. It's a stupid hobby. But it's still gives me something to do. I like taking forks from restaurants. How stupid and childish of me. But I can't help it. I'm usually a law-abiding type of guy, and it's the closest feeling to being a criminal I get.

Now I don't just go stealing any fork I get my hands on. My thievery is contained to just silverware only, and I only take forks. At the moment I don’t take donations. I’d rather just steal them myself (although my wife is getting very good at it). Maybe I’ll take contributions one day, but that’ll be when I start getting nervous about G-Men getting on my tail. Yeah, one day I’ll have the reputation of an international super-criminal. Until then, my wife and I will be the Bonnie and Clyde of silverware.

I have a set of regulations I like to follow. Here they are:

1. Only forks.


2. Only one - I only grab one fork from the place. I don’t do this for the fork, I do it more to say I’ve been there. I know, saying that I’ve been to a Denny’s in Podunk isn’t much, but there are usually stories attached to the trip, and I’m more into collecting stories than anything. (Wow, that was a long rule.)


3. No plastic - Like I said earlier, no plastic dinnerware. I just want the metal ones. This includes sporks. I know they’re cool, but maybe that’ll be a different project down the road.


4. No duplicates – If I’ve been to an Outback in New York, I’m not going to grab an Outback fork from Maryland. One will do. Following this rule will get me to eat at other types of establishments. There’s no use in getting caught in a rut.


5. Not in your mouth – I won’t eat with these forks. You don’t want to know what I have to do to smuggle them out. (This is more of a guideline.)

How did it start? I have no idea. I like taking souvenirs of when I go places. But I usually don’t walk with the kind of souvenir that’s sold at the gift shop. I like to go with something offbeat. For example, 12 years ago I went to a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Japan and stole an ashtray. I don’t know what happened to it, but that was quite a job being subtle while I stuffed that in my pants.

Currently I have 9 forks from various restaurants. It’s no criminal empire, but it’s a good start. I’ll be taking pictures of them soon to post up here so everyone can share in the beautiful designs. I say that tongue in cheek, but there are some that I really like. The forks from the Olive Garden are pretty nice; three-pronged and simple. And, surprisingly, some designs are very similar to each other. The forks from Copeland’s and the Olive Tree (a local Italian restaurant) are the same. Maybe the Olive Tree got a discount on some slightly used silverware.

Know you know of one my quirky hobbies. Is there something wrong with me? Is this wrong for me to do? Go ahead and judge me. But remember what Jesus said about judging people. He said that it's not good, and then he stabbed a bunch of folks.