Episode One...The Phantom Menace.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...ok, maybe it was Uranus.

Ok, that was corny. But I figured since this is an ass crack story, I could take a crack about ass.

I guess the best way to start this story would be at the beginning. That's where most things start, unless they're some silly Quentin Tarantino movie, then I have no clue where the beginning, middle, or end is. I just know that the 'F' word is used a lot.

It all started a few months back. Life was really good then. I had a job where I could cool my heels for 8 hours a day, I was moving out of my crappy apartment, and my very first stand-up show was coming up. Things were really good...or so it seemed.

One day I was at my girlfriend's place, playing the airplane game on the floor with her son, Alex. He loves the airplane game, but he always insists on being in first-class, then starts ordering too many free beers, gets belligerent with the stewardesses and gets arrested. I've had to bail him out of jail too many times.

What?! How do you play airplane?

Anyway, I digress. During his 2nd six pack of Budweisers, I rolled onto my tailbone to lift him up and I felt the hardest, sharpest pain I have ever felt in my entire life roll up my back straight out of my eyeballs. It was the kind of pain that Stedman feels when he wakes up next to Oprah everyday. Well, I immediately put Alex down, and by put down I mean I ever so gently dropped him on his head then ran to the bathroom.

As I splashed cold water on my face to get my bearings, a bunch of questions went through my head. Questions like, "What in the blue hell was that?!" and "Did I break something?" and "Why did they ever cancel the Golden Girls?". I guess pain like that makes you think weird things. It was at that point where I decided I had to find out what was going on down there. So I dropped my pants and tried to muster up the courage to check things out. Maybe it was the fear of actually finding something or just the embarrassment of me sticking my hand in my butt crack that stopped me from looking. Let's face it, a grown man putting his hand in his own crack when there isn't a bar bet on the line is a freaky sight. So I stopped, pulled my pants up, and said to myself that it's probably nothing...just like a proud, brave, and stupid macho dummy should.

I went on like nothing happened that night and for the next few days, things felt fine. Life was good again, for the time being...

To be continued...

-B
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