Where There's a Will...

Ok, so I'm still on the downhill track. In my old age, as I say this tongue-in-cheek, I've been thinking about death, and how wonderful it's gonna be. I've also been thinking about making a will and I thought I'd share it with you as I'm working on it.

I, the Y2Cajun, being of sound mind…not stable, but sound, do hereby state the following:

If I am on a respirator, pull the plug…but shoot me in the face, just so it’ll look like I went out like a badass.

Instead of a normal funeral and burial, jam a bunch of candy up my ass, tie me to a tree, and let the neighborhood kids whack me with a stick.

Furthermore, I bequeath all of my worldly possessions to the winner of a no-holds barred steel cage match. If you want my stuff, you gotta earn it!

I can't wait for the steel cage match...that's going to be fun!

-Y2

Downhill Only Leaves You at the Bottom.

I just turned 30 a couple of weeks ago and someone told me, "It's all downhill from here." That's funny, because when I turned 18 someone else told me the same thing. Then just the other day a friend of mine turned 40 a few days ago and said the same thing.

Let's get our damn stories straight! When does the downhill arc really begin? With all of these conflicting ages, it started to piss me off. So I did a little research and I found out exactly when it all goes downhill. And lucky you, dear reader, I'll let you in on the secret. The downhill ride begins when you get potty trained.

Don't believe me? I'll explain it then. Before you're potty trained, you have a person waiting on you hand a foot to clothe, feed, and remove you from your own filth. It's all about you. You start crying, someone is there to find out what's wrong a fix it. Usually it takes a toy or a cookie. You hurt yourself, someone will be there to tell you it's ok. The whole world is yours for the taking.

And right when we have the world in the palm of our hands, what do we do? We start feeling cocky and independent. We make the mistake of wanting to do everything ourselves. Next thing you know, you're doing things for yourself and it feels pretty good. And when you want someone to do something for you, that's when the wheels of your plan fall off. They say, "Well you can do it our your own now."

All of a sudden, these people that were breaking their backs for you start ignoring you. They start expecting you to do things. You've got to start contributing. Welcome to the downhill ride...don't forget your helmet. (You can tell I'm a parent now, huh?)

The downhill ride seems like a ride you can't get off, right? Wrong! I'm working on a plan for that. From now on, I'm gonna stop being so independent. I'll stop trying to do everything for myself. Now I've got to make sure this plan is executed very slowly at first. Maybe I'll forget how to use a fork and spoon for a day, or forget how to drive. Then the concept of writing checks and paying bills will become foreign to me. Tying my shoes will flabbergast me next. Then I'll stop using words like 'flabbergast' and revert back to 'baba' and 'poopoo'.

Speaking of poopoo, that'll be the coup de grace of my plan. I'll just start crapping myself...a lot! And if someone makes the mistake of changing me, that's when I know I can take off life's helmet, and enjoy the ride back uphill.

Don't worry, I'll make sure to wave 'bye bye' as I pass you on your downhill slide.

-Y2

Papa was a rolling stone...

Did you miss me? I didn't think so.

It's kind of weird. I've been away from the blog for so long, and so many things have happened, and I have no idea where to start. I guess I should start at the beginning. I was born to Albanian immigrants in 1934... Ok, maybe I wasn't, but it'd be a lot more interesting if I was.

Well, I'm just posting to let you all know that I'm still alive and doing ok. I'm also posting to whore myself out...as usual. Catch me at Dr. Dremo's open mic show on June 21st. Also, if you know of anyone who would needs a comedian for an event...and who wouldn't...get in contact with me. I'm for hire. I can be contacted at Y2Cajun@gmail.com

-Y2

Just dropping by for a second...

Hey all,

I know I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy looking for a new place to live. Luckily my fiance and I found a pad to call home.

That was the good news, now the bad...I probably won't post much in the next few weeks because I've been temporarily transferred at work, so my commute has grown from 23 miles (one way) to 60 miles. But once that's done and we get settled into the new house I'll be back up and running.

Ok, enough bad news, back to some more good news. I've got two stand-up comedy gigs coming up next week. Monday, March 20 at 9pm in DC at the SoHo Coffeehouse and Wednesday, March 22 at 8pm in Arlington at Dr. Dremo's. If you've got nothing to do, come on out and check out live comedy...hey, why not? They don't cost nothing.

-Y2

No hard feelings...

For those of you who didn't make it to the show Sunday night...don't worry about it. I guess Sunday night in a mall, for a crowd of 20, where 15 of them are comics, doesn't garner much enthusiasm for a gig. Oh well, stage time is stage time, so I won't complain. And I did get some laughs, which is a tough thing to do when you're performing for fellow comics.

Other than that, let's see what's been happening. Oh yeah, the Oscars were also on Sunday...and I don't care.

Well, looks like we're all up to date.

-Y2

The Rebellion Continues...

Two nights in a row...woo hoo! I'll see you at AA.

Here's more silly links...

Everything you've wanted to know about Chuck Norris

They're evil, I tell ya!

-Y2

Join the Rebellion!

There's something about getting a buzz on a school night. I feel like a rebel!

Enjoy the silly links...

Idiot's Guide to Life

More Arts and Crafts

-Y2

My Tuesday is fatter than your Tuesday.

Happy Mardi Gras everyone! Get your sinning in before we have to feel guilty for it.

Unfortunately I missed the first part of it: Palm Sunday. That’s when us Catholics all go to church and get a palm branch to take home. I don’t remember the significance of it. I think it’s supposed to represent when Jesus went to the Virgin Islands or something. I don’t remember it all, but Jesus had something to do with virgins, right? Or was it that the only chicks he could nail had to be virgins? My theology studies are lacking.

What little I do remember about Palm Sunday is that a palm branch isn’t a smart thing to give to a bunch of kids. When I was a kid my friends and I would take our palms and go out in the backyard and have branch fights. And we would whip the ever loving hell out of each other. One time my parents caught us coming back all bloody and they lost their minds. They yelled, “What the hell were ya’ll doing?” We answered, “We were just playing ‘Jesus’.”

After Palm Sunday comes Fat Tuesday, which we all know what that is. Then there is Ash Wednesday, or as I like to call it, ‘Dirt on Your Head Day’. This is what really kicks off the 40 days of Lent where we don’t eat meat on Fridays until Easter. But sometimes I can’t handle that. That’s why I carry around a can of SPAM, just in case of an emergency. We also supposed give something up during Lent. I guess its symbolic that the sacrifice we make is just like Jesus’ sacrifice. So me giving up gummy bears is supposed to be comparable to Jesus getting tortured and crucified. That seems fair enough to me.

Usually I try to give up an everyday bad habit drinking coffee or doing coke off of the asses of crackwhores. I gotta say though, forty days without those things can get really tough.

Want to play Jesus too? Click here!

-Y2

You've trained your whole life for this.

I hope you've all trained for the Ultimate Showdown! Click here if you're ready.

-Y2

Flavor FLAAAAAAV!!!

As I’m sitting here watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics I can only think one thing…clowns suck.

It’s alright though, I’m flipping the channels soon. I’ve got to get my dose Flavor Flav tonight. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, flip on over to VH1 every now and again and catch The Flavor of Love. You'll be hooked just like me. C'mon, everyone scream with me, "FLAVOR FLAAAAAVVV!!!"

Anyway, here's some random thoughts:

1. Coughing and farting at the same time really hurts.

2. 3 year olds are funny.

3. Why am I so bitter when celebrities win prizes on TV shows?

4. How weird is it to have a man-crush? (Terry Bradshaw, if you're reading this, call me.)

5. Getting shot in the face with birdshot isn't that big of a deal. Plus, that's what you get when you walk in the line of fire.

6. I'm having a tough time deciding which song sucks more: Hollaback Girl or My Hump.

7. I miss Public Enemy.

8. I love my son.

9. What's the deal with MySpace? Can anyone fill me in?

10. Flavor Flav has ugly feet.

Before I call it a night, check these links out for your surfing enjoyment:

The one and only Chewbacca's blog

Arts and Crafts at its finest!

-Y2



P.S. Got another gig booked. Sunday, March 5, at 7 pm, come watch me do some stand-up comedy at the Comedy Spot in Arlington, VA. 5 bucks at the door. I hope to see you there!

Walk away like an Egyptian

So I'm in line at the gas station the other morning to pick up a pack of smokes and a candy bar (the breakfast of champions!). I got caught behind this tool who decided to strike up a conversation with the clerk. Don't you just hate those jerks who are so desperate for conversation that they'll start the most inane babble with anyone they meet?

Well, this cat starts trying to show off his smarts by saying, "Oh, your name is Ismail. That name means the son of Abraham." The clerk showed how impressed he was by saying, "Uh, yeah." Well, the jackhole wasn't finished there. Here's how the rest of it went.

Conversation Man: "So, where are you originally from?"
Ismail: "Egypt"
Conversation Man: "Cairo?" (Because when someone says there from a certain place, it's customary to ask if they're from the only city you've heard of when you're a moron.)
Ismail: "No, I'm from Suhag."
Conversation Man: "Is that near Cairo?" (It sounded like he was convinced that the only city in Egypt was Cairo.)
Ismail: "No, it's south of Cairo."
Conversation Man: "Oh, because my brother-in-law and his family went to Cairo. They said it was nice." (Wait a minute! That jerk had never even been there! You would think with all of those questions he would have had some kind of emotional investment into Egypt. Why the hell was he even asking? He just wanted everyone to go, "Oooh, you know someone who's been out of the country. Goody for you!" What a schmuck! Plus, he was really dead-set on the Cairo thing.)

After he held us up for almost 10 minutes he finally left. The clerk and I looked at each other and laughed our heads off. What an f'n tool!

As I was following him out in the parking lot to beat his ass, I heard him talking to the person he got into the car with. He gets in and goes, "I just had a conversation with the clerk. He was telling me about Egypt." NO HE WASN'T! You were asking him stupid questions and he was nodding his head and giving short answers. Plus, in order to have a conversations both parties have to be willing participants!

If you know of someone who does this, please do us a favor and put a beat down on them or if that's too drastic, just roll up a newspaper and smack them on the nose and say, "BAD! BAD!"

-Y2

It's good to be back, I think.

Let me just start off by saying thanks to all the folks who showed up at Dr. Dremo’s for my open mic set last night. Thanks for the support. I know it’s only open mic but it’s kind of a big deal to me being that I’m just starting out in standup.

So where have I been for the past week? I just got back from my home in Louisiana, or as I call it, “Bizzaro World”. My fiancé and I went down there to catch a few parades, eat some good food, have some drinks courtesy of the drive-thru daiquiri shop, and have a good time with my family. We almost did all of that. Three out of four ain’t bad.

My family was in rare form last weekend. It’s a little late to go into details but I’ll give you a quick sample of one of my mom’s random outbursts: “The two worst inventions in the history of the world are the bed and the TV.” You may have to read that last sentence a few more times so the level of f’d up really sinks in.

Ever wonder why I’m so weird? There ya go.

-Y2

Phew!

Hey gang,

It's been a hell of a week. I'll update ya'll tomorrow to fill you in. Stay tuned.

-Y2

Where's Tony the Tiger when you need him?

WOW! What a great show last night!!! Great cast! Great characters! Great audience! Great! Great! Great!

By the way, did I mention it was great?

Sorry I don't much of a post tonight. I'm still sapped from last night. So, I'll put it to bed early and have some creative things put up very soon.

-Y2



p.s. There another show this Saturday at 12 pm at the DC Improv. I know it's early, but at least admission is free! Stop on by and check it out...

My Momma?!

It's a quiet night on the homefront and I've really got nothing stirring in my brain tonight. It's about time. So I'm finally going to go to bed on time and get some rest. Got a big day tomorrow and an even bigger night afterwards.

So, I'll say good night and leave you all with a classic 'Yo Momma' joke...

"Yo Momma's teeth are so yellow, when she yawns, traffic slows down."

-Y2



Got a Momma joke of your own? Submit it in the comments section.

Halftime at the old folks' home

Let's recap...Steelers 21, Seahawks 10, my brain cells 3. Why did my brain cells score so low? It was bad defense...against the Rolling Stones.

The only reason I watched that awful halftime show was just in case their would be another nipple shot. I know they were fully clothed, but their was still a chance their saggy man boobs would fall out from their pants leg.

Choke on that visual...UGH!

-Y2



By the way, tickets are still available for the show at the DC Improv on February 8. Also, there will be a free show at the Improv on the February 11 at 12 noon. Stop on by and watch us bring the funny. Stay tuned for more shameless plugs.

The Early Bird Catches the Pregame Show

I've only got time for a quick post today. I've got to get to bed so I can wake up at 5 am. Why am I waking up so early? The answer is simple. I've got to catch the 13 hours worth of Superbowl pregame.

Cut me some slack. Just like a herpes outbreak, it only happens once a year.

-Y2













Oh, and before I forget...

Come and check out me and Bryant Collins for a night of stand-up comedy at Dr. Dremo's in Arlington, VA on February 22. The show is free and starts at 8 pm.

Think about it

Well, there's nothing exciting going on today. So, I'll just put up some random thoughts...

1. The dingo did eat my baby.
2. You know it's a good fart if you can taste it.
3. You just can't slap it up, flip it, and rub it down anywhere you please.
4. Boobs.
5. What the hell is a 'luftballoon', and why do we need 99 of them?
6. Big boobs.
7. Lava lamps are cool...
8. ...Lava soap is not.
9. Gigantic boobs.
10. I think I'm a boob man.
11. I don't care what state of mind I'm in, if I see a dog taking a dump, I'll laugh.
12. I think Colonel Sanders acted alone.
13. El Camino!
14. If you get so dirty that you need to be hosed off, then you did it right.
15. Bellybuttons make a great fingertip warmer.

-Y2

Plug it in while you can

Hey gang. This is gonna be a quick post. It's close to bedtime.

I just got in from my buddy, Bryant Collins' open mic set. Let me tell you, he lit the place on fire. No, he really did. Apparently he loves to play with matches and things got out of hand. Anyway, after the insurance settlement is taken care of go and check him out. He is super funny and he puts me to shame. No kidding. I'm telling you right here and now, remember that name, he's got talent.

While I'm plugging things here, I've got another appearance at the DC Improv on February 8. Come on down and support live comedy, you'll be glad you did. For more info, click here, and please stay tuned for more appearance announcements.

-Y2

My Fellow Americans...DRINK!

So, I watched the President's State of the Union Address tonight. (Don't ask me why I just capitalized most of that last sentence. I guess I'm showing reverence.) Anyway, I was watching it and thought of a good drinking game. Every time the President gets an applause break, take a shot. If it's a standing ovation by half of the house (partisan politics in action) take two. If it's an entire house ovation, take three. If he stumbles over a word, finish your beer.

That seems like a good game in theory. But after I took score of all the applause and the stumbles, it shapes up to be a one-way ticket to the emergency room. After all of the totals were tallied up, I came up with 61 applause breaks, 41 standing ovations, and 9 word stumbles. Now I like a good drinking game like the rest of you, but if I had to take a slug for every time something like that happened, I'd end up a dead man, or the newest member of the Rolling Stones.

What amazed me though is that the President only stumbled 9 times in the time that he spoke, which was a little over an hour. Like him or hate him, that's pretty impressive. I sometimes have a hard time ordering at Burger King, and that only takes 10 seconds. "I'd like a Whopper, some fries, and a Duh duh duh duh Dr. Pepper please."

What I don't like about the Address is the post-speech analysis on the news networks after the fact. It's condescending for these reporters to try and translate what was just said. The President does speak English (not great English, but it's manageable) and I understand English. So why do I need some stiff in a suit to try and tell me what just happened?

Thankfully though, we live in an age where cable TV is prevalent. So we don't have to suffer like the old days. Most of us remember, years ago, when all we had was a few channels and when the Commander in Chief decided he had something to say you had two choices: 1. Sit tight and listen or 2. Be forced into some quality 'family time'.

I'd always get forced into the family time. That's when we'd dust off an old board game and sit quietly together as a family...for five minutes. Then one of my brothers would start cheating. I'd get upset because he wasn't playing fair. Then my mom would get all pissed and beat our asses for fighting and then get sent to bed bruised and crying.

That's why, when I was a kid, when an adult would ask me if I wanted to be President when I grew up, I'd say "No way!". I couldn't have all of those suffering children on my conscience.

-Y2