My Tuesday is fatter than your Tuesday.

Happy Mardi Gras everyone! Get your sinning in before we have to feel guilty for it.

Unfortunately I missed the first part of it: Palm Sunday. That’s when us Catholics all go to church and get a palm branch to take home. I don’t remember the significance of it. I think it’s supposed to represent when Jesus went to the Virgin Islands or something. I don’t remember it all, but Jesus had something to do with virgins, right? Or was it that the only chicks he could nail had to be virgins? My theology studies are lacking.

What little I do remember about Palm Sunday is that a palm branch isn’t a smart thing to give to a bunch of kids. When I was a kid my friends and I would take our palms and go out in the backyard and have branch fights. And we would whip the ever loving hell out of each other. One time my parents caught us coming back all bloody and they lost their minds. They yelled, “What the hell were ya’ll doing?” We answered, “We were just playing ‘Jesus’.”

After Palm Sunday comes Fat Tuesday, which we all know what that is. Then there is Ash Wednesday, or as I like to call it, ‘Dirt on Your Head Day’. This is what really kicks off the 40 days of Lent where we don’t eat meat on Fridays until Easter. But sometimes I can’t handle that. That’s why I carry around a can of SPAM, just in case of an emergency. We also supposed give something up during Lent. I guess its symbolic that the sacrifice we make is just like Jesus’ sacrifice. So me giving up gummy bears is supposed to be comparable to Jesus getting tortured and crucified. That seems fair enough to me.

Usually I try to give up an everyday bad habit drinking coffee or doing coke off of the asses of crackwhores. I gotta say though, forty days without those things can get really tough.

Want to play Jesus too? Click here!

-Y2

You've trained your whole life for this.

I hope you've all trained for the Ultimate Showdown! Click here if you're ready.

-Y2

Flavor FLAAAAAAV!!!

As I’m sitting here watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics I can only think one thing…clowns suck.

It’s alright though, I’m flipping the channels soon. I’ve got to get my dose Flavor Flav tonight. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, flip on over to VH1 every now and again and catch The Flavor of Love. You'll be hooked just like me. C'mon, everyone scream with me, "FLAVOR FLAAAAAVVV!!!"

Anyway, here's some random thoughts:

1. Coughing and farting at the same time really hurts.

2. 3 year olds are funny.

3. Why am I so bitter when celebrities win prizes on TV shows?

4. How weird is it to have a man-crush? (Terry Bradshaw, if you're reading this, call me.)

5. Getting shot in the face with birdshot isn't that big of a deal. Plus, that's what you get when you walk in the line of fire.

6. I'm having a tough time deciding which song sucks more: Hollaback Girl or My Hump.

7. I miss Public Enemy.

8. I love my son.

9. What's the deal with MySpace? Can anyone fill me in?

10. Flavor Flav has ugly feet.

Before I call it a night, check these links out for your surfing enjoyment:

The one and only Chewbacca's blog

Arts and Crafts at its finest!

-Y2



P.S. Got another gig booked. Sunday, March 5, at 7 pm, come watch me do some stand-up comedy at the Comedy Spot in Arlington, VA. 5 bucks at the door. I hope to see you there!

Walk away like an Egyptian

So I'm in line at the gas station the other morning to pick up a pack of smokes and a candy bar (the breakfast of champions!). I got caught behind this tool who decided to strike up a conversation with the clerk. Don't you just hate those jerks who are so desperate for conversation that they'll start the most inane babble with anyone they meet?

Well, this cat starts trying to show off his smarts by saying, "Oh, your name is Ismail. That name means the son of Abraham." The clerk showed how impressed he was by saying, "Uh, yeah." Well, the jackhole wasn't finished there. Here's how the rest of it went.

Conversation Man: "So, where are you originally from?"
Ismail: "Egypt"
Conversation Man: "Cairo?" (Because when someone says there from a certain place, it's customary to ask if they're from the only city you've heard of when you're a moron.)
Ismail: "No, I'm from Suhag."
Conversation Man: "Is that near Cairo?" (It sounded like he was convinced that the only city in Egypt was Cairo.)
Ismail: "No, it's south of Cairo."
Conversation Man: "Oh, because my brother-in-law and his family went to Cairo. They said it was nice." (Wait a minute! That jerk had never even been there! You would think with all of those questions he would have had some kind of emotional investment into Egypt. Why the hell was he even asking? He just wanted everyone to go, "Oooh, you know someone who's been out of the country. Goody for you!" What a schmuck! Plus, he was really dead-set on the Cairo thing.)

After he held us up for almost 10 minutes he finally left. The clerk and I looked at each other and laughed our heads off. What an f'n tool!

As I was following him out in the parking lot to beat his ass, I heard him talking to the person he got into the car with. He gets in and goes, "I just had a conversation with the clerk. He was telling me about Egypt." NO HE WASN'T! You were asking him stupid questions and he was nodding his head and giving short answers. Plus, in order to have a conversations both parties have to be willing participants!

If you know of someone who does this, please do us a favor and put a beat down on them or if that's too drastic, just roll up a newspaper and smack them on the nose and say, "BAD! BAD!"

-Y2

It's good to be back, I think.

Let me just start off by saying thanks to all the folks who showed up at Dr. Dremo’s for my open mic set last night. Thanks for the support. I know it’s only open mic but it’s kind of a big deal to me being that I’m just starting out in standup.

So where have I been for the past week? I just got back from my home in Louisiana, or as I call it, “Bizzaro World”. My fiancé and I went down there to catch a few parades, eat some good food, have some drinks courtesy of the drive-thru daiquiri shop, and have a good time with my family. We almost did all of that. Three out of four ain’t bad.

My family was in rare form last weekend. It’s a little late to go into details but I’ll give you a quick sample of one of my mom’s random outbursts: “The two worst inventions in the history of the world are the bed and the TV.” You may have to read that last sentence a few more times so the level of f’d up really sinks in.

Ever wonder why I’m so weird? There ya go.

-Y2

Phew!

Hey gang,

It's been a hell of a week. I'll update ya'll tomorrow to fill you in. Stay tuned.

-Y2

Where's Tony the Tiger when you need him?

WOW! What a great show last night!!! Great cast! Great characters! Great audience! Great! Great! Great!

By the way, did I mention it was great?

Sorry I don't much of a post tonight. I'm still sapped from last night. So, I'll put it to bed early and have some creative things put up very soon.

-Y2



p.s. There another show this Saturday at 12 pm at the DC Improv. I know it's early, but at least admission is free! Stop on by and check it out...

My Momma?!

It's a quiet night on the homefront and I've really got nothing stirring in my brain tonight. It's about time. So I'm finally going to go to bed on time and get some rest. Got a big day tomorrow and an even bigger night afterwards.

So, I'll say good night and leave you all with a classic 'Yo Momma' joke...

"Yo Momma's teeth are so yellow, when she yawns, traffic slows down."

-Y2



Got a Momma joke of your own? Submit it in the comments section.

Halftime at the old folks' home

Let's recap...Steelers 21, Seahawks 10, my brain cells 3. Why did my brain cells score so low? It was bad defense...against the Rolling Stones.

The only reason I watched that awful halftime show was just in case their would be another nipple shot. I know they were fully clothed, but their was still a chance their saggy man boobs would fall out from their pants leg.

Choke on that visual...UGH!

-Y2



By the way, tickets are still available for the show at the DC Improv on February 8. Also, there will be a free show at the Improv on the February 11 at 12 noon. Stop on by and watch us bring the funny. Stay tuned for more shameless plugs.

The Early Bird Catches the Pregame Show

I've only got time for a quick post today. I've got to get to bed so I can wake up at 5 am. Why am I waking up so early? The answer is simple. I've got to catch the 13 hours worth of Superbowl pregame.

Cut me some slack. Just like a herpes outbreak, it only happens once a year.

-Y2













Oh, and before I forget...

Come and check out me and Bryant Collins for a night of stand-up comedy at Dr. Dremo's in Arlington, VA on February 22. The show is free and starts at 8 pm.

Think about it

Well, there's nothing exciting going on today. So, I'll just put up some random thoughts...

1. The dingo did eat my baby.
2. You know it's a good fart if you can taste it.
3. You just can't slap it up, flip it, and rub it down anywhere you please.
4. Boobs.
5. What the hell is a 'luftballoon', and why do we need 99 of them?
6. Big boobs.
7. Lava lamps are cool...
8. ...Lava soap is not.
9. Gigantic boobs.
10. I think I'm a boob man.
11. I don't care what state of mind I'm in, if I see a dog taking a dump, I'll laugh.
12. I think Colonel Sanders acted alone.
13. El Camino!
14. If you get so dirty that you need to be hosed off, then you did it right.
15. Bellybuttons make a great fingertip warmer.

-Y2

Plug it in while you can

Hey gang. This is gonna be a quick post. It's close to bedtime.

I just got in from my buddy, Bryant Collins' open mic set. Let me tell you, he lit the place on fire. No, he really did. Apparently he loves to play with matches and things got out of hand. Anyway, after the insurance settlement is taken care of go and check him out. He is super funny and he puts me to shame. No kidding. I'm telling you right here and now, remember that name, he's got talent.

While I'm plugging things here, I've got another appearance at the DC Improv on February 8. Come on down and support live comedy, you'll be glad you did. For more info, click here, and please stay tuned for more appearance announcements.

-Y2

My Fellow Americans...DRINK!

So, I watched the President's State of the Union Address tonight. (Don't ask me why I just capitalized most of that last sentence. I guess I'm showing reverence.) Anyway, I was watching it and thought of a good drinking game. Every time the President gets an applause break, take a shot. If it's a standing ovation by half of the house (partisan politics in action) take two. If it's an entire house ovation, take three. If he stumbles over a word, finish your beer.

That seems like a good game in theory. But after I took score of all the applause and the stumbles, it shapes up to be a one-way ticket to the emergency room. After all of the totals were tallied up, I came up with 61 applause breaks, 41 standing ovations, and 9 word stumbles. Now I like a good drinking game like the rest of you, but if I had to take a slug for every time something like that happened, I'd end up a dead man, or the newest member of the Rolling Stones.

What amazed me though is that the President only stumbled 9 times in the time that he spoke, which was a little over an hour. Like him or hate him, that's pretty impressive. I sometimes have a hard time ordering at Burger King, and that only takes 10 seconds. "I'd like a Whopper, some fries, and a Duh duh duh duh Dr. Pepper please."

What I don't like about the Address is the post-speech analysis on the news networks after the fact. It's condescending for these reporters to try and translate what was just said. The President does speak English (not great English, but it's manageable) and I understand English. So why do I need some stiff in a suit to try and tell me what just happened?

Thankfully though, we live in an age where cable TV is prevalent. So we don't have to suffer like the old days. Most of us remember, years ago, when all we had was a few channels and when the Commander in Chief decided he had something to say you had two choices: 1. Sit tight and listen or 2. Be forced into some quality 'family time'.

I'd always get forced into the family time. That's when we'd dust off an old board game and sit quietly together as a family...for five minutes. Then one of my brothers would start cheating. I'd get upset because he wasn't playing fair. Then my mom would get all pissed and beat our asses for fighting and then get sent to bed bruised and crying.

That's why, when I was a kid, when an adult would ask me if I wanted to be President when I grew up, I'd say "No way!". I couldn't have all of those suffering children on my conscience.

-Y2

You got a lot of nerve waltzing back in here...

Heeeey everybody! (Everyone in unison: Hey Dr. Nick!)

I know I've been gone awhile, but I've had a lot of developments in my absence. Let's see if I can sum up the last couple of months for you. I've done a few stand-up comedy shows, an improv show, learned a few household tips (nothing like fixing broken things with a hangover on New Year's day), and did one of the most wonderful things of my life...got engaged to my girlfriend. I'll give you a minute to catch your breath and curse my name. Sorry ladies, but I'm off the market...unless the price is right. Baby, if you're reading this, I'm keeeeeeding!

Well, I just wanted to drop a post to let you all know I'm alive and somewhat well...except for the occasional brain tumor. But don't worry about that, those will pass...they always do. And I promise to update more...and I always keep my promises, just like this guy!

-Y2

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

If Santa sees me all the time, I hope he catches me giving him the finger...

You wanna leave too?

Pack it up and beat it!

1. Joan Rivers:
AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!

Her tagline is, "Can we talk?" No we can't. All we can do is stare at you in disbelief and scratch our heads.

2. Uppity Sports Reporters:
These are guys who probably haven’t really played sports at all, unless you count chasing butterflies in deep right field. These guys think they’re experts on the game because they remember obscure stats like a certain batter’s slugging percentage against right-handed pitching with runners in scoring position in stadiums that have a retractable roof. Guys, cough up what’s left of the lunch money you have to the jocks you’re reporting on and go away.

-Y2

Planes, Trains, and Jerks

All aboard! The next train is leaving for 'away from here' and we've got room for two more:

1. Kevin Federline:
We get it! You’re nailing a hot chick! You can quit rubbing it in our faces. I’ve got to say you are everything that is wrong with everything. I don’t know how you slipped past karma’s radar, but you better enjoy while you can because Brittany is going to come to her senses one day and pitch you out on your ass. And don’t think for a second I’ll let you bum a cigarette when you ask for it.

Oh, and just to put the topping on the cake, you call yourself K-Fed...Ugh.

2. 'Finger Shooters':
I told you all this list wasn’t specific to just a person. Certain types of people can be included. This time I’m including the people who use their fingers as guns when they’re saying ‘hello’ to you. You know the guy. He walks up in his Members’ Only jacket, large hair, and toothy grin and says “There’s my guy! Hey buddy!”, then proceeds to give the finger shoot…’Bang Bang’!

I wish those fingers were loaded, and you would turn them on yourself. But, unfortunately, those fingers, like you, would probably shoot blanks. Instead, pack your bags, head on down to the airport, make sure to turn in your ‘weapons’ to the security guards, and fly far, far away.

-Y2

Two more candidates.

Looks like I've found two more folks who've made the 'Go Away' list. So help me in saying 'Bye Bye' to:

1. Yoko Ono
Where did she come from? Why won’t she go back? Yoko just seemed to appear out of the blue, hanging around the Beatles. Who knew that she would be the one to destroy them? It’s almost like a cold sore on your lip ending your life. After she did her number on one the greatest rock and roll bands ever, she then guided John Lennon to make some of the most retarded recordings in history. I’m sorry, but screeching isn’t singing.

As if that isn’t enough, she’s also a vocal activist for world peace. Sheesh. What a wide open cause to root for. Why don’t you just be an activist for no more bad things to happen on the planet in every way shape or form? You know what, Yoko? The only way all of those world unity rallies you’re holding would be successful is if everyone in the world united to get you to pack your bags, and go back to whatever planet you came from.

2. Barbara Streisand
You suck! End of story...

-Y2

Make like a tree and get outta here!

Certain people piss me off to no end. You know the type. These are people that bring nothing to the table of humanity other than to annoy and bewilder us. Now it’s human nature for us to want to kill them, but I’m not that spiteful. I would just rather they’d go away. That’s all I’m asking for. I’d like to see them pack their bags and never be heard from again.

This isn’t just limited to people either. There are a bunch of annoying things I wish would disappear. Hopefully, if I can make you folks aware of these people and things, maybe we can make them go away for good. So now, I’d like to present a new segment in the ‘Scribblings’ called the ‘Go Away List’. I now present our first candidate to leave us...

Oprah Winfrey:
General Mao, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, Oprah Winfrey. Don’t think Oprah’s name belongs in that list? Think again. Just like the others in that list, Oprah has a large, faithful following of supporters. Just like the others in that list, Oprah has limitless resources available to her whim. Just like the others, Oprah has the potential to torture the masses.

Don’t let the energetic entrances on her TV show, the car giveaways, the book-of-the-month club, or even the endless parade of celebrities crying on her couch fool you. She’s up to no good.

So why is she on the “Go Away” list? It comes down to two factors. Factor #1: She’s annoying. Her army of followers chanting, “You go girl!” makes every heterosexual, and even some bi- and homosexual men go sterile. Factor #2: Time magazine has named her on of the most powerful woman in the world. If you take those two factors and put them together, you get someone that has the capability to get on your nerves every waking and most sleeping, if she invades your dreams, second of the day. If you ask me, that’s just a recipe for disaster.

So Oprah, do us all a favor, take all of the money you have, buy your own planet, and move there…permanently!

-Y2

Are you threatening me?

I appreciate a good threat. The more creative, the better. Whether you want to kick someone's ass, just beat them up, or however you want to lay your vengeance upon someone, it's good to get a good clever threat out to your adversary. Even if you don't plan on following through on it, you can get a good laugh out of it.

For example, I was talking to a friend of mine today and, as most guys do, we were talking trash to each other. I told him I thought his sister was cute. He told me that I doesn't have a sister. So I said that his brother had better grow a moustache so I'd know better next time. He replied that he'd put his foot so far up my ass, that we'd be walking home together.

I know that it's an old threat, but it's a classic. I like hearing it every now again. Speaking of hearing threats, here's a list of good threats I've heard over the years:

1. I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry.
2. I'll hit you with so many lefts, you'll be begging me for a right.
3. I'll kick bloody chiclets down your throat.
4. I'll punch you so far back in time, when you wake up, your clothes will be out of style.
5. I'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwhich.
6. I'm gonna rip your arm off and beat you with it.
7. I'll slap the taste out of your mouth.
8. I'll beat you to sleep.
9. I'm gonna knock your lungs loose.
10. It's only gonna take two hits: me hitting you, and you hitting the floor.

If you've heard any good threats, please leave it in the comment section. If they're really good, they'll be used for an edition of El Presidente`.

-Y2