Episode One...The Phantom Menace.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...ok, maybe it was Uranus.

Ok, that was corny. But I figured since this is an ass crack story, I could take a crack about ass.

I guess the best way to start this story would be at the beginning. That's where most things start, unless they're some silly Quentin Tarantino movie, then I have no clue where the beginning, middle, or end is. I just know that the 'F' word is used a lot.

It all started a few months back. Life was really good then. I had a job where I could cool my heels for 8 hours a day, I was moving out of my crappy apartment, and my very first stand-up show was coming up. Things were really good...or so it seemed.

One day I was at my girlfriend's place, playing the airplane game on the floor with her son, Alex. He loves the airplane game, but he always insists on being in first-class, then starts ordering too many free beers, gets belligerent with the stewardesses and gets arrested. I've had to bail him out of jail too many times.

What?! How do you play airplane?

Anyway, I digress. During his 2nd six pack of Budweisers, I rolled onto my tailbone to lift him up and I felt the hardest, sharpest pain I have ever felt in my entire life roll up my back straight out of my eyeballs. It was the kind of pain that Stedman feels when he wakes up next to Oprah everyday. Well, I immediately put Alex down, and by put down I mean I ever so gently dropped him on his head then ran to the bathroom.

As I splashed cold water on my face to get my bearings, a bunch of questions went through my head. Questions like, "What in the blue hell was that?!" and "Did I break something?" and "Why did they ever cancel the Golden Girls?". I guess pain like that makes you think weird things. It was at that point where I decided I had to find out what was going on down there. So I dropped my pants and tried to muster up the courage to check things out. Maybe it was the fear of actually finding something or just the embarrassment of me sticking my hand in my butt crack that stopped me from looking. Let's face it, a grown man putting his hand in his own crack when there isn't a bar bet on the line is a freaky sight. So I stopped, pulled my pants up, and said to myself that it's probably nothing...just like a proud, brave, and stupid macho dummy should.

I went on like nothing happened that night and for the next few days, things felt fine. Life was good again, for the time being...

To be continued...

-B
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Prologue...

The last few weeks have been a little tough. But don't cry for me. It's not very becoming and the other kids will make fun of you.

I know I haven't been posting regularly lately. But then again, nothing has been regular that much these days. It's because I had a procedure done last week. I'm sure it was surgery, but the doctor insists it was a procedure. "Where was this procedure?", you ask. It was on the most dignified of places on the human anatomy...my ass crack. I'm not sure if 'ass crack' is the proper technical terminology, but that's what I'm going with.

During the next several posts, I'll be telling you all the story of me and my ass crack. We'll share some laughs, some tears, and maybe learn a thing or two along the way. And what I mean by that last sentence is that you will all laugh at me, I'll get my feelings hurt and cry, then learn never to tell you guys personal things like this again.

Stay tuned...

-B

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Our prices are INSANE!!!

As I'm sitting here, watching TV, I'm starting to notice something. I watch too much late night Cinemax.

But in between nudie shows, I flip throught the local channels. And with local channels, come local commercials. No matter where you go in the country they're all the same. Whether it's a used car dealer dancing around screaming at you to come on down because his deals are insane, or some electronics sales guy telling you he HAS to sell you that TV because he's lost his mind, they never change.

When did it become good business to be crazy? And when did we all think it was a good idea to buy goods off of these folks?

On one hand I should feel guilty for taking advantage of folks who are mentally sick for the sake of saving a few bucks. Or maybe, I should feel a bit wary because one of these dudes may actually snap in the middle of a sale if I put too much pressure on him. Let's face it, the last thing I want is to catch a bullet in the face when I broker a deal on a toaster oven.

...I hardly even eat toast.

-B
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5,7,5...and those aren't your Lucky Lotto numbers.

I'm feeling a bit artistic today, and the fumes from huffing that gasoline haven't worn off yet. So today, I give you all a dose of...

"Stupidity Induced Haikus"

Something isn't right.
Is that lipstick I detect?
Not my coffee mug.
-------------------------

How could you do that?!
The pool water is now warm...
Oh well, I did too.
--------------------------

Halt you! Who goes there?
Don't make me blow my whistle.
Mall security.
--------------------------

I sit here alone.
There is no justice for me.
No toilet paper.
--------------------------

Was he on TV?
Wait, he's no celebrity.
It's just Hasselhoff.
--------------------------

Don't you all feel cultured now? I know I do.

-B
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So many distractions...but they're all so good.

So me and my girlfriend are sitting here right now just thinking about something to write, but I don't know if I'll get any of it done. I've got to tell you, it's hard to type with someone else's hand down your pants.

Ooooh, I'm gonna need a minute, or maybe an hour, or maybe just the rest of the evening.

Good night everyone!

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Big bucks. No Whammy!

Bob Eubanks, Chuck Woolery, Wink Martindale, Richard Dawson, Gene Rayburn, Chuck Barris.

These were the guys I grew to love when I was growing up. It was guys like this that made game shows fun. I used to love to hear Bob Eubanks ask people about their "whoopi" practices, watch Chuck Woolery crawl all over the couch when he asked folks how the date went and telling us he'd see us in "two and two", and see Richard Dawson molest innocent women right in front of their husbands and families. Game shows were fun and somewhat innocent then, and the hosts were happy folks with big toothy grins and perfect hair.

But if you turn on the TV today, forget it. It's all gone. No more giant, colorful sets or studios full of happy audience members. Today its all about how dramatic we can get the mood or how far we can push the contestants. Between shows like 'Fear Factor', 'Dog Eat Dog', and 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?', it seems like its not fun to be on a game show anymore. And it's only getting worse...

Pretty soon instead of shows making you eat marsupial testicles (which are pretty good by the way) or having you climbing up tall buildings hanging on by a flimsy harness, the host will just walk up to you in your home, ask your name for the tv cameras, shoot you in the face with a pistol, and give your widow a wad of cash.

...and as much as I hate to say it, I'd watch that show.

-B

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I'm all 'geeked' up.

Sorry for the long delay gang. More computer problems. But I can't blame it all on the computer. The glitches would have been if I were a smart enough human to take care of them. I was going to give the 'Geeks on Call' a holler but I ended up calling 'Dweebs on Call'. A bunch of guys looking like Steve Urkel showed up at my house, ate all my cheese, and then left. I didn't realize there was such a difference between a geek and a dweeb.

Anyway, it looks like El Presidente` will be back up and running tomorrow.


Viva Los Something!!!

-B

I've got something on my radar...

As I’m looking out the window, seeing this thunderstorm roll through, I'm sure the local weathermen are pretty pleased with themselves. They’re probably popping the corks on a few cases of champagne because they finally got a forecast right. This means that they’re off the hook for another five years.

With our meteorologists' track record the way it is, why don't we just give up on them and start looking out the window to see what the weather is like? You would think that they would get a forecast or two right once in a while with all of those Doppler radar systems they have. I bet that they probably don’t even use them for the weather. More than likely, they bought them for the same reason most people buy SUV’s…just to show them off and try to impress the neighbors.

I can just see it now at the local weatherman bar, or wherever they hang out, to talk about cirrus clouds and stuff…

Channel 4 guy Bill Sprinkle: You know, we just got that Super Doppler 2000 system in. It’s really quite an effective system.

Channel 7 weatherguy Stormy Raines: Oh yeah? Well we just installed the Super MEGA Doppler 10000.

Bill: Well, ours can show us where the weather is heading up to the minute.

Stormy: Ours can show us up to the second.

Bill: Well ours can show the severity of the storms by color!

Stormy: Ours is done by smell!

Bill: Ours is in 3-D!!!

Stormy: Ours can actually bring the storm to your living room by raining through your TV set and sending bolts of lightning at your couch.

Bill: LIAR!

Stormy: AM NOT!

Bill: ARE TOO!

Stormy: AM NOT!

Bill: TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO…

Stormy: NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT…

Then a girly slapfight would break out with the two making sure they don't mess up their hair, because that’s how I imagine weatherguys fight. All the while the sports reporters would be cheering them on and high-fiving each other in the bar. Off in the corner the guy who usually does the Adopt-A-Pet segments on Sunday mornings would be calling play by play because that's the only practice at reporting he can get hoping that, one day, they may call him up to the big show on weeknights at 11.

But he's just wasting his breath, because they'll never call him up. Just when he thinks he'll get a shot at the big desk with the really comfortable seats, the station will hire some new smooth talking anchorman with a baratone voice, great smile, and god-like hair. It won't seem fair to our Adopt-A-Pet fellow because he figures he knows this city far better and loves his community much more than the new 'Golden Boy'. Alas, he will accept that he will never get a break then drink a fifth of cheap Boone's Farm wine, climb atop of the massive Super MEGA Doppler 10000 radar and plunge to his death.

When you think about it, all of this tragedy happened just because we wanted to see if it was raining and all we had to do was look out of the window.

-B
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Another year older, another year dumber.

Wow, what a hangover.

Nothing says, "Happy birthday" like a headache and the dry heaves. I'm not sure I can take the aftermath of getting loaded anymore. But just to be sure, I'll try it again next weekend. I know it sounds like I'm a glutton for punishment but, believe me, I'm just trying to be thorough to make sure that I can take it.

Either way, it was still a good birthday. It feels good to be 25 again and I'm looking forward to turning 25 again next year.

-B
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Hey look! I can do political comedy too!

I know it's been awhile since I posted. My computer was on the Fritz. Hell, it was on the Hans, Gunther, Schultz, Wilhelm, and Johan too. Get it? German names! Ok, I'm the only one laughing.

So, if you live in the DC area you've probably heard the big news about Deep Throat revealing their identity. Maybe I'm the only one who doesn't see the big deal. I'm pretty sure that Richard Nixon didn't do porn, so I have no idea how these two things are related. Plus, I'm pretty sure Linda Lovelace would have never went down on the Commander in Chief.

Now I don't know about most of you, but I'm not one for mixing my porn and politics. Porn stars shouldn't get it on with Presidents, only chunky interns and white trash office assisstants should. You nasty interns stay with your own kind, and you porn stars continue to do ugly rock stars and midgets.

But, if the two worlds of adult entertainment and politics do keep mixing, maybe CSPAN will be finally worth watching.

-B
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Be sure and tip your barkeeper.

Tonight I was going to talk about socialogical evolutions within corporate America and the ramifications it has on global economics further impacting the shift of structure within the world's superpowers. But then again, I figure that's beneath you all.

So instead, I'll just tell a lame joke and go to bed.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, goes up to the barkeep and says, "Gimme a Scotch and soda."
The barkeep turns to him and says, "Look pal, we don't serve food here."

GOODNIGHT!
-B

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Education is the name of the game.

"Why haven't you posted lately?", is the question I've been getting lately. If there is one thing I learned from doing this on the 'other side', it's that you've got to take some breaks every now and again. This gives me time to think about topics and silliness that I'd like to throw up on here. (Did I just say 'throw up'?)

Speaking of things learned, I'd like to give you all an edition of something I call, "Things I've learned...mostly the hard way."

I've learned that:
1. Even if I use a smooth British accent, "Let's hump like a couple of wild marmosets", still makes a crappy pickup line.
2. "Objection, your honor" works much better in a court of law than, "He's not playing fair!"
3. You shouldn't be on a first name basis at your liquor store.
4. Doodling at an office meeting is fine. But breaking out brushes, paint, and an easel is just going too far.
5. I have to speak more clearly on a plane. "I'm gonna go to see my mom.", sounds a lot like "I'm gonna blow up this bomb."

-B
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Ah memories...

I don't have much to talk about today, so instead I'll just give you a taste of "Random Childhood Memories":

"You know, it's days like this I wish I was forty years younger, and a woman."

These were the words spoken to me by my father one day. Dad, if you're reading this, you know I'm kidding. You look great for your age...and mom wants her underwear back.

Now you all know why I can run so good in high heels. It must be in the genes.

-B

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/004ElP.jpg

Equality for all.

You know, I don't hate many things in this world but there is one thing that I despise is breast reduction surgery. For those of you who are saying that it's for a woman's back need to lay off. I think a woman can look sexy in a back brace.

But I am a little curious. What do the doctors do with all of that extra boobie that gets taken out? I hope they don't throw it away. That would be such a waste. They should just stockpile all of that extra boobie and donate them to women who are flat. Then you wouldn't have to worry about implants bursting and putting their lives in danger. (You see ladies? I care about your health.) Then you could just set up the stockpile like a big boobie bank and all someone would have to do is run on down to the boobie bank and make a little withdrawel for their chest.

When all is said and done all women will be truely equal and all men will be equally happy. I'm pretty sure that this would be the only case in the world where nobody would have a problem with communism. It's genius I tell you.

-B
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/003ElP.jpg

Why's it always got to be about color?

Howdy,

Wow, 2 posts in a row. That's got to be a record...in Haiti. Well, I don't have much about to rant about tonight. Ok, thats not true. I just haven't made enough time to rant tonight. So that's where that stands.

So, I'll sign off for now. But remember, don't trust whitey. I know for a fact. I'm white too and look what he's done to me.

Bart

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/Y2Cajun/002ElP.jpg

...it is on after all.

Hi everyone,

This is the first real post of the crazy scribblings from me and our favorite dictator, El Presidente`. For those of you who are in the know about him, welcome back. It's been too long.

For those of you who aren't hip to the jive, El Presidente` is our favorite, and fictitious, Generalisimo type strongman. He's here to give us daily words of wisdom, lay his musings upon us, and generally say the first silly thing that comes to mind. While he's doing that, I'll be doing the same thing on this blog during, what I call 'The Rant Portion'. Here is where I'll be ranting on whatever is going on in the world around us and in my life.

Hopefully, you'll enjoy what we've got to say and we welcome your comments. Thanks for tuning in and enjoy your stay.

Bart
p.s. Below is where the link to El P will usually be.

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